Clinton Deploys Very Special Forces To Iraq

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Issue 3502

Newest Baywatch Cast Member Kicks It With Byron Allen

LOS ANGELES—Debi Tyler, the latest beach beauty to join the cast of TV's Baywatch, kicked it with Byron Allen Saturday on Allen's syndicated TV talk show. The pair kicked it for exactly six minutes, marking Tyler's first nationally televised kicking of it. Also kicking it with Allen during the one-hour show were NBA star Grant Hill, supermodel Heidi Klum, funnyman Richard Jeni and Lima, OH, resident Jon Specht, winner of the show's "I Wanna Kick It With Byron Allen" contest.

Lone Geek Sits Off By Self Reading The Silmarillion Throughout Recess

BANGOR, ME—For the 17th consecutive recess period, unathletic pariah Jake Muncie sat off by himself Monday and read The Silmarillion, sources reported. The book, fantasy author J.R.R. Tolkien's posthumously published account of the creation of Middle Earth and the subsequent Wars of the Silmarils, engaged the 12-year-old for the entire 33-minute recess period. Muncie reportedly positioned himself in a corner of the school cafeteria, far enough from his dodgeball-playing classmates to remain unmolested.

Yeah, Area Man Is Drunk... So?

MENDHAM, NJ—What are residents of this normally quiet suburban enclave looking at? Are they looking at 34-year-old resident Darren Pollard? Is that it? Yeah, Pollard, who has reportedly consumed 11 beers in the past four hours, is drunk, but so what? Does the greater Mendham area have some kind of problem with that? Shit, Pollard, a truck driver and father of three, drinks when he wants to drink, and a small crowd of pedestrians outside Mickey's Old Towne Tavern had better believe that. Mother fuck—get off of Pollard, man, Pollard is sick of taking shit from local law-enforcement officials. Who does Lt. Tim Brophy, 42, of the Mendham Police Department think he is, fuckin' Rambo? This is bullshit.

Slightly Larger Chair Shifts Delicate Balance Of Office Power

OXNARD, CA—The highly complex intra-office power dynamic at the accounting firm of Adams, Fitzhugh & Associates shifted dramatically Tuesday, when a $229 Futura EZ-Roll office chair was delivered to the cubicle of Henry Rozema. The deluxe new chair, ordered to replace a broken one, stands a full two inches higher than that of co-worker Bill Kraft and, unlike Kraft's chair, features such options as a fingertip-controlled pneumatic height adjuster, customized swivel/tilt controls, a five-blade base with dual-wheel casters, and a leather-upholstered ergonomic backrest. "This radically alters the elaborate, ongoing power struggle between Henry and Bill," office manager Brenda Rutt said. "As partner Willard Haines' retirement draws ever closer, Henry and Bill's desire to replace him only grows stronger, and this striking, option-packed piece of office furniture gives Henry a substantial psychological edge."

Man At Adjacent Urinal Pretends To Look Straight Ahead

CHEHALIS, WA—Curious about his fellow urinator's penis, restaurant patron Dennis Munro rolled his eyeballs far to the left Monday in the hope of surreptitiously glimpsing the flaccid male organ of a man at an adjacent urinal. Pretending to focus intently on a square of white ceramic tile directly in front of him, Munro managed to crane his head very slightly to the left, which, combined with his extreme leftward eyeball positioning, afforded him a brief but clear glimpse of the four-inch-long neighboring penis. Experts believe the heterosexual Munro was acting upon an evaluative impulse, hoping to see a fellow male's penis for purposes of comparing it to his own.

I Hate My Next-Door Neighbors

Not long ago, I was the master of all I surveyed. As I gazed down from my mountain-top estate, I was confident in the knowledge that the fate of the yeomanry that cowered below was firmly in my grasp. I owned all the property in the local village and took 15 percent of the harvest. If a peasant wanted to leave the county, he had to pay a toll on one of my bridges and had to be back before night-fall, lest my feared mastiffs track him down and tear him limb-from-limb. Then the nouveau riche started moving in. Yes, I realize I just used a phrase from the hated French language, but it is the best way to describe the Johnny-Come-Latelies who have decided to pollute my environs with their effete ways. They claim they like to "winter" here, far from the chill and coal-smoke of the city, and hunt foxes, play polo and enjoy "cocktail" drinking-beverages and other silly nonsense.

Satisfaction Guaranteed

Baby, there is one piece of information in particular that you need to know: With Smoove B, satisfaction is guaranteed.

Hipping Up The Grammys

Long-criticized as stodgy and out of touch, Grammy organizers are attempting to update the awards' image this year. What steps have they taken?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Clinton Deploys Very Special Forces To Iraq

WASHINGTON, DC—Preparing for another possible showdown with Iraq, President Clinton deployed more than 15,000 very special U.S. forces to the Persian Gulf region Tuesday.

Sgt. Tommy Dolber, who loves baseball and rollerskating, leads a group of very special forces in maneuvers near the Iraq-Kuwait border.

Clinton said the objective of the mission, dubbed Operation Great Job!, is twofold: to keep pressure on Saddam Hussein to permit the return of U.N. weapons inspectors, and to provide America's very special forces with a positive, rewarding, esteem-building experience.

"With Operation Great Job!, we send the message loud and clear to Saddam Hussein that his open defiance of the United Nations and international law will not be tolerated," Clinton said. "We also send the equally important message to our own troops that what's important is not whether you defeat the enemy, but that you try your best and have fun."

Added Clinton: "Hooray, U.S. troops!"

At a Pentagon press conference, Secretary of Defense William Cohen expressed confidence that the mission will be successful. "I have full faith that our troops will do a terrific job in Iraq," Cohen said, "but even if they make a few mistakes, we'll still be very, very proud of them."

Cohen stressed that the safety of America's special forces is of paramount importance. In an effort to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt, the Defense Secretary has urged all U.S. troops to tie their shoelaces "nice and tight."

"Whenever you're in a combat situation, there is almost always going to be some running involved," Cohen said, "And the last thing we want is for any of our soldiers to trip and fall."

President Clinton fields reporters' questions.

Morale is said to be high among members of the very special forces, who were flown Monday from Sheppard Air Force Base to Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, in a squadron of specially modified C-130 "short planes." Upon arriving, the troops were given a thorough mission debriefing by Gen. James Herzog and a butterscotch-pudding snack cup. Each soldier was then issued an AR-15 rifle, three clips of NATO 7.62 mm rounds, a combat helmet with a velcro safety-strap, and a fanny pack with his name written on it in black magic marker.

"We are going to win the war," said Pvt. Richie Ammaker of Hagerstown, MD, eating his snack cup with a Capri-Sun juice-pak. "I love to clap and sing along to the music!"

"Colonel Gene [Diering] says that if we take out the communications tower in Al Basrah, we can have a pizza party," Pvt. Josh Paretsky of Dallas said. "Pizza party! Pizza party! Pizza party!"

"You're pretty," Paretsky added. "Will you marry me?"

Gen. Thomas Merritt, who is in charge of overseeing Operation Great Job!, said the troops are thoroughly prepared for what lies ahead.

A C-130 short plane transports a battalion of very special forces to the Gulf.

"We have gone over maneuvers and protocol in detail, and we have all marked down our special targets in our special notebooks," Merritt said. "The soldiers know they are not to wander off from the group. They know they are to use inside voices when in enemy territory. And they know they are to go to the bathroom prior to all ground assaults. This group is ready."

Merritt went on to note that, despite the very special nature of the mission, strict military discipline will be maintained, including mandatory quiet-room "time-outs" for any soldiers who begin "acting out" or displaying inappropriate behavior in combat situations.

According to Secretary of State Madeleine Albright, the length of the mission depends upon the performance of the troops. "Hopefully, all will go well, and our very special forces will be back home within a week," Albright said. "But if there are setbacks, such as soldiers losing their keys or having trouble staying on task or forgetting to take their pills, it could take longer."

Regardless of the outcome on the field of battle, Albright said America's fighting forces will emerge as "big winners."

"These soldiers will have the chance to strike a blow for global democracy and make lots of new friends in the process, so how can they not win?" asked Albright, who noted that every soldier who participates in Operation Great Job! will receive a shiny medal. "This is truly going to be a very special invasion."