Land Mine Seizes Power In Angola

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Issue 3505

Christopher Cross Finally Reaches Mexican Border

NOGALES, MEXICO—After nearly 20 years on the run, Grammy-winning singer-songwriter Christopher Cross finally reached the Mexican border Monday. "I had such a long way to go,"said Cross, who fled south after gunning down 10 in 1980, "but I've finally made it to the border of Mexico." Doctors, who described Cross' body as "weak," said much sleep would be necessary to restore the health of the fugitive adult-contemporary vocalist.

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FRESNO, CA—Despite clearly marking her initials on her rice-cake bag in black Magic Marker, secretary Elaine Fahey was once again the victim of I&G Marketing's breakroom rice-cake thief Monday. "Whoever's doing this really needs to learn about something called a supermarket," said Fahey, who has lost one strawberry and three caramel-apple rice cakes to the thief this month. "Rice cakes aren't free, you know." Fahey said she plans to take harsher security measures, including a Post-It note on the bag reading, "These are my rice cakes... Please get your own!!!"
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Land Mine Seizes Power In Angola

LUANDA, ANGOLA—The war-torn West African nation of Angola, for decades wracked by violent power struggles among rival factions, was cast into further political turmoil Monday when a 40-pound anti-personnel land mine seized power and declared itself president for life.

"Today represents the dawn of a glorious new era for our nation," said the landmine, which rose to power with the backing of Angola's estimated 40 million subterranean explosive devices. "For too many years, we have been ignored by Angola's leaders, denied representation despite the fact that we outnumber the humans by a margin of four to one."

The new leader punctuated its remarks with periodic detonations, which blew off the legs of numerous nearby orphans.

Though many Angolans are skeptical about having a non-sentient, man-made object designed to maim people as their leader, support for the mine appears to be growing.

"Killing and maiming thousands of innocent people has always been a crucial part of being president of Angola," said Xassengue villager Biaro Opala, one of the nation's 3,000,000+ amputees. "Who is better qualified for this task than a land mine?"

"This land mine will do at least as good a job governing Angola as our previous leaders," triple-amputee Kwala N'ele said. "It will also blow people's limbs and genitals off."

According to political observers, the land mine's ascent to power will likely pave the way for future non-human leaders in Angola.

"This land mine will open doors for other large but politically underrepresented African-Angolan groups, such as rocket-propelled grenade launchers and AK-47 assault rifles," Yale University African Studies professor Ralph Langwell said.

Langwell praised the land mine as a canny leader that may at last bring unity to a shattered nation.

"Waiting until now to seize power was a shrewd move on the part of this mine," Langwell said. "Using all of the innate skills typically possessed by land mines, it was smart enough to lay low for years, waiting until the Angolan political climate was just as volatile as the mine itself, and then—bang!—take everyone by surprise."

"The timing is right for a land-mine presidency," he added. "This is a leader people will think twice before walking all over."