Issue 3508

Granta Derided By Philistines

CHAPEL HILL, NC—Granta, the award-winning quarterly literary magazine that features the finest in fiction, non-fiction, memoirs, interviews, essays and reportage, was derided Monday by a group of ignorant, uncultured philistines. "I was sitting in a local sub shop, enjoying a devastatingly witty Saul Bellow piece in the latest Granta, when I distinctly heard three philistines at the next table mocking my choice of reading material," said University of North Carolina graduate student Ira Green. "Apparently, there's something about engrossing, top-notch writing that these three primitives find amusing."

Slight Inconsistency Found In Bible

STILLWATER, OK—The world's theological community is in an uproar following Monday's discovery of a slight inconsistency in the Bible. "I was reading Jeremiah 17:4, in which God says, 'Ye have kindled a fire in mine anger, which shall burn forever,'" said Pastor Theodore Strait of First Lutheran Church in Stillwater. "And I immediately recalled Jeremiah 3:12, which says, 'For I am merciful, saith the Lord, and I will not keep anger forever.' I thought, how can this possibly be? The Bible, contradicting itself?" Biblical scholars are scrambling to explain the strange paradox, believed to be the first time a passage in the Bible has been found to contain flaws in logic.

Area Man Not Exactly Sure Why Doctor Needed Him Undressed For That

OREM, UT—A routine visit to the doctor ended in confusion Monday when Ray Lyons was asked to undress for an examination that did not seem to require disrobing. "He asked me about my smoking and my sleep patterns and stuff, then he looked in my ears and throat, and checked my heartbeat with his stethoscope, and that was it," the baffled, nude Lyons said. "Would having my pants on somehow affect my heartbeat?"

Fox Ordered To Cancel Upcoming When Presidents Are Assassinated Live Special

WASHINGTON, DC—The White House and the FBI have ordered Fox to cancel Friday's When Presidents Are Assassinated live television special. "I'm disappointed, to say the least," Fox vice-president of programming Warren Davidoff said of the one-hour prime-time event's cancellation. "Presidential assassinations are an unfortunate fact of life in this country, and the American public has a right to see what really happens when a president is gunned down in cold blood."

Porn Actress Very Nearly Appears To Enjoy Ejaculation In Face

LOS ANGELES—Detachment and boredom were very nearly concealed Monday when 1.5 ounces of semen were ejaculated into the face of adult-film star Brittany Silk, 20, on the set of Butt-Fuck Sluts Go Nuts Vol. 31, forthcoming from Mustang Entertainment. "Brittany really did a great job with that scene," director Rodney Campos said. "She practically made it look like she loved having [co-star] Rick [Steed] shoot his hot, steaming load all over her face."

Babes In The Woods

It is Day 12 of my precipitous fall into destitution and subsequent flight from justice. Imagine—I, T. Herman Zweibel (or rather, my alias, Herman T. Zwiebel), once the richest and most powerful plutocrat in the Republic, must now fight for survival in the desolate wilderness. Even my liberty is in peril: I am the target of a man-hunt, because, by abandoning my lost estate, I am in defiance of the court-order that confined me there. O Fate! What a cruel mistress you are!

I Have Newfound Respect For Yasmine Bleeth After Reading This Month's Maxim

Though I've long been familiar with actress Yasmine Bleeth from her work on Baywatch, I've never been lucky enough to catch one of her rare talk-show appearances. That's why I was so thrilled when I passed a newsstand and happened to notice her on the cover of this month's Maxim magazine. Eager to learn more about what makes this up-and-coming young actress tick, I purchased the issue. It was the best decision I've made in quite some time.

Breakthrough Drug Eliminates Crying In Infants

SOMERSET, NJ—Beleaguered parents worldwide are hailing Johnson Laboratories' new miracle drug Serenex, a single dose of which immobilizes the vocal cords of infants, rendering their cries inaudible for up to eight hours. "I used to be woken up five or six times a night by Ashley's shrieking," new mother Lisette Schonert said. "The noise drove me nuts. But now, thanks to Serenex, the problem's completely fixed."

How To Tell If You Were Adopted

Sometimes it's hard to figure out whether "Mom" and "Dad" are really your actual parents. Here are some things to look out for that mean you were adopted:

Brightly Colored Uniforms Boost Employee Morale

ELGIN, IL—The recent implementation of new cardinal and maize uniforms as the mandatory dress code at GrocerKing Food Stores has not only made employees look better, but also greatly boosted worker morale, sources within the regional supermarket chain's extensive management hierarchy reported Monday.

Military-Recruiting Woes

The U.S. military is facing a major personnel crisis, with recruitment and retention rates plunging in all branches. What is the military doing to draw enlistees?
End Of Section
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Secretary Of State Returns From 'Fucking Incredible' Diplomatic Trip To Ireland

WASHINGTON, DC—Secretary of State Madeleine Albright returned to the U.S. Monday following a four-day diplomatic visit to Ireland she categorized as "fucking incredible."

Secretary of State Albright deplanes at Washington's Dulles International Airport following a "totally amazing" diplomatic visit to the Emerald Isle.

"I had the most amazing time in Ireland," said Albright, who was there to meet with Prime Minister Bertie Ahern regarding a possible amendment to 1998's Good Friday Accord that would give the Republic a greater voice in Northern Irish affairs. "Everywhere you go, there are these terrific little local pubs and quaint cottages and really old, narrow cobblestone streets. I swear, it feels like you're in a movie."

Albright described her talks with Ahern as "extremely productive" and her day trip to Carrick-on-Suir in County Tipperary as "so incredibly cool."

"There's this castle there that's like 800 years old, and it's actually got a moat surrounding it," Albright said. "You sure don't find stuff like that back in the U.S."

Albright and Ahern also discussed trade between the two nations. Though many U.S. economists regard the European Union as a potential threat to American prosperity, and concern has been voiced over restrictions Ireland has placed on certain imports, Albright stressed that the Republic continues to be an excellent target for U.S. investment and consumer dollars.

"I bought this gorgeous handmade Aran fisherman's sweater at Blarney Woolen Mills in Kilkenny for a fraction of what I would've paid back in the States," Albright said. "If you want to save some serious coin, people, shop for Irish stuff in Ireland."

Albright also spent half a day meeting with Protestant and Catholic leaders in Northern Ireland. After laying a commemorative wreath in the town square of Omagh—site of the IRA bomb attack that killed 29 people last summer—the Secretary of State drove a rented Mini to the famed Giants' Causeway, a long shoreline of perfectly symmetrical, hexagonal volcanic rocks she said "weirded me out completely."

The visit to the Causeway was nearly ruined by an unexpected crisis, but Albright was able to broker an 11th-hour deal to save the situation. "I really wanted a picture of me at the Causeway, but stupid me left the camera at the hotel. Fortunately, this London Times guy happened to be there covering my visit. He promised he'd send me doubles of some of his shots if I mailed him a bunch of Butterfingers, which I guess you can't get in England. I was like, 'Definitely!'"

Before leaving the North, Albright met with Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams, who invited her for a pint at a "too cool" little pub in Belfast. According to Albright, the pub was owned and run by a heavy-set, chain-smoking, 68-year-old woman named Molly who "didn't take crap from anybody. I loved her to death. The whole time, I was like, 'You go, girl!' I won't forget her any time soon, that's for sure."

Albright poses in a "really cool" graveyard at the ancient Glendalough Monastery south of Dublin.

Albright concluded her visit with an address before the Oireachtas, the Irish parliament. In the speech, Albright pledged the U.S.'s full support in the ongoing Northern Irish peace process and expressed pride over "the deep and lasting friendship between our two nations." The speech concluded at 1 p.m., leaving the Secretary of State several hours to explore Dublin before having to catch a flight back to Washington.

"Dublin is so amazingly cool—me and [Irish president] Mary [McAleese] went shopping on Grafton Street, and we saw the Ha'penny Bridge and the mummified bog guy at the National Museum, which was seriously freaky," Albright said. "Then, at like 4 o'clock, we started getting hungry and we were kind of tired from all the walking, so we stopped at this café near Trinity College, where we met these two guys from Australia, John and Tony, who go to the University of Melbourne. They were really cool, especially Tony. Hopefully, if there's ever a diplomatic crisis in Australia, I'll get a chance to visit them."

Albright said she will return to Ireland in January 2000, when she is slated to be a featured guest at a symposium on Ireland's place in the world stage during the next millennium. During the 2000 visit, she said she hopes to continue to foster peaceful relations between Catholics and Protestants in the North, as well as take a side excursion to Amsterdam with her Eurail pass.

"Though great progress has been made by your people, there is still much work to be done," Albright told members of parliament. "Terrorism continues to rear its ugly head. Unemployment is rampant. And the monastery at Carrickmacross is nearly impossible to get to unless you rent a car in Mullagh, which is, like, 20 miles away."

"But despite these considerable challenges," Albright continued, "I wish to stress that I had a completely amazing time here and cannot wait to come back. And, hey, Ulster Unionist leader David Trimble, don't think I'm going to forget your promise to show me a wild time in Ballygowan, you crazy bastard!"

More from this section

Breakthrough Drug Eliminates Crying In Infants

SOMERSET, NJ—Beleaguered parents worldwide are hailing Johnson Laboratories' new miracle drug Serenex, a single dose of which immobilizes the vocal cords of infants, rendering their cries inaudible for up to eight hours. "I used to be woken up five or six times a night by Ashley's shrieking," new mother Lisette Schonert said. "The noise drove me nuts. But now, thanks to Serenex, the problem's completely fixed."

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