Ham Glazed To Dangerously Delicious Levels

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Issue 3510

Woman Ejected From Bed In Cracker-Eating Incident

IRVINE, CA—Citing "insufficient looks," Charles Hausner, 31, threw Amy Glass out of his bed Monday after catching the 27-year-old consuming Saltines. According to Hausner, Glass was not attractive enough to warrant special in-bed cracker-eating privileges. "Had she looked like Claudia Schiffer, I most certainly would have let the transgression slide and allowed her to stay in my bed and get crumbs all over the sheets," Hausner said. "But she doesn't, so I had no choice but to kick her out."

Mourners Unable To Comprehend Last 20 Minutes Of Kubrick's Life

CHILDWICK GREEN, ENGLAND—Mourners at Stanley Kubrick's funeral expressed confusion Friday over the baffling, non-narrative final minutes of the director's life. "I really didn't get it," attendee Ron Blum said of Kubrick's climactic death scene. "I understood the convulsions and heavy sweats, but the whole swirling-colored-lights part of the 'beyond infinity' sequence? It just didn't make sense." Fellow mourner Steven Spielberg said he thought the disorienting editing of the deathbed sequence was meant to represent the chaos inherent in nature, but admitted that he "wasn't positive."

Report: One In Five Americans Currently Holding For The Next Available Representative

PRINCETON, NJ—A study released Monday by Princeton University found that 20 percent of all Americans are currently waiting for the next available representative. "At this moment, some 50 million of us are on hold," study head William Voss told reporters while waiting to talk to a Con Edison operator about an error in his February gas bill. "I myself have been on hold for 13 minutes now." Voss assured Americans that their calls would be answered in the order they were received.

Reformist Ku Klux Klan Splinter Group Claims Blacks, Jews May Be Partially Human

BIRMINGHAM, AL—For nearly 150 years, the Ku Klux Klan has been steadfast in its commitment to the ideals of its founders. These traditional values—preservation of White cultural heritage, strict adherence to Christian principles, and broad-based coalition-building against the inferior dog-races of Asia and Africa—have served to strengthen the Klan throughout its long and proud history.

The Great Gas Surplus

With supply plentiful, gasoline prices are currently at their lowest point in 20 years. How are U.S. consumers dealing with the surfeit of cheap gas?

Unemployed Businessman Has Time For Headache

DEARBORN, MI—The power of Extra-Strength Excedrin© was not needed Monday, when laid-off marketing executive Phillip Garden suffered a splitting headache for which he had plenty of time. "Back when I was gainfully employed by M&I Marketing, I wouldn't have had time for this throbbing migraine tension and would have needed the proven, fast-acting power of Excedrin©—The Headache Medicine™," Garden said. "But now that I'm out of work, I can easily fit this tough headache in between Card Sharks and One Life To Live."

Bottom Of Barrel Dangerously Overscraped, Experts Warn

WASHINGTON, DC—The bottom of the collective national barrel, already badly strained from massive content depletion in recent years, is now in "severe danger" as a result of unchecked, unregulated overscraping, a report from the House Subcommittee on Barrel Affairs revealed Monday.

Springtime Is The Best Time For The Cruise

Hola amigos. Whassup? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but a lot of shit's been going down in Anchower Town. First off, I blew a tire. Now, ordinarily, that'd be no big deal, but my spare was flat and I didn't have a jack, so I was going to have to make some heavy financial sacrifices.


Cast into the wilderness for nearly a month now, destitute, hungry and ragged, a man without a home or a name. Hated! Despised! Rejected! Exiled!
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Special Coverage


Ham Glazed To Dangerously Delicious Levels

PEORIA, IL—The EPA issued a warning Monday to the greater Peoria area regarding the "dangerously delicious" ham being prepared by Cora Daly of Riverside Street. "Mrs. Daly has gone too far in overglazing this already succulent and flavorful ham," the report read. "If emergency de-appetizing measures are not implemented immediately, the ham may reach catastrophically mouth-watering levels of sweet ham-tastic goodness." The report criticized Daly for "willfully and recklessly" adding fresh pineapple slices to the surface of the ham, "ignoring the obvious threat posed to the willpower of area diners."