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U.S. Populace Lurches Methodically Through The Motions For Yet Another Day

• Single Marine Sent Back In Time To Resolve Kosovo Crisis

  ISSUE 35•12 | 03.31.99 | News

  WASHINGTON, DC—In a bold move leaders hope will resolve the long-running conflict between the Serbs and ethnic Albanians, President Clinton deployed Marine Sgt. Brent Fitzsimmons to the 14th century Monday to assassinate Ottoman Sultan Murâd I. more»

  

• Ice Broken At Area Sales Seminar

  ISSUE 35•12 | 03.31.99 | News

  TAMPA, FL—Pharmex Industries CEO Jack Gorelick, keynote speaker at the "Commercializing New-Market Biopharmaceuticals" sales seminar, successfully broke the ice Saturday, setting a friendly, cordial tone for the two-day event with a string of quips during his opening address. more»

  

• Stoner Regales Friends With Tale Of This One Bong He Saw In Iowa City Once

  ISSUE 35•12 | 03.31.99 | News

  MINNEAPOLIS—Area stoner Mike Cudahy, his eyes a deep red from five years of near-continuous recreational marijuana use, regaled friends and neighbors Tuesday with half-remembered tales of this one amazing bong he saw in Iowa City once. more»

  

• Revolutionary New Insoles Combine Five Forms Of Pseudoscience

  ISSUE 35•12 | 03.31.99 | News

  MASSILLON, OH—New MagnaSoles shoe inserts harness the power of magnetism to restore the foot's natural bio-flow. more»

  

• Colorful Multicultural Mural Celebrates Diverse Lack Of Talent

  ISSUE 35•12 | 03.31.99 | News in Brief

  COLUMBUS, OH—A brightly colored multicultural mural on the side of the Walker Street Community Center has brought together Columbus' many diverse ethnic communities in a celebration of talentless painting. "The young people of this city have given us something we truly can kind of be proud of," City Councilman Terrence Fordham said Monday at the bad mural's dedication ceremony. "These ham-fisted dollops of garish paint and barely recognizable human figures are a joyous tribute to the gorgeous mosaic that is Columbus." more»

• Borrowed CD Slowly Integrated Into Own Collection

  ISSUE 35•12 | 03.31.99 | News in Brief

  OLYMPIA, WA—An Elvis Costello CD belonging to area resident Jonathan Wagner, 24, has entered the final stage of de facto ownership by friend Doug Alland, sources reported Tuesday. "For the first four or five days, I kept Jon's copy of Blood & Chocolate alone on top of my CD player," Alland, 23, said. "Then, for about a week and a half, I had it next to a stack of my own CDs that I'd been listening to." Alland said he then worked the album into the adjacent stack, eventually filing it away in his own CD shelf, where it will remain permanently, unless Wagner specifically asks for it back. "I'm way more into that album than Jon is, anyway," said Alland, defending the gradual acquisition. "He barely ever even played it." In 1997, Alland made news for a spectacular nine-stage acquisition of Down By Law on videocassette. more»

• Starlet-Viewer Age Difference Quickly Calculated

  ISSUE 35•12 | 03.31.99 | News in Brief

  GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Alarmed Grand Rapids data-entry clerk Clifford Gornowicz, 33, quickly calculated the age difference between himself and 17-year-old Tonight Show guest Gaby Hoffman while watching the program Monday. "Man... 16 years," Gornowicz said to himself after host Jay Leno disclosed the actress' age. "That means she wasn't even born when The Empire Strikes Back came out. Oh, God." Gornowicz has reportedly not been this distressed since Christina Ricci. more»

• Second-Grade Music Student Goes Nuts With Cowbell

  ISSUE 35•12 | 03.31.99 | News in Brief

  SAN BERNARDINO, CA—Lakeview Elementary School second-grader Andrew Armbrister went completely nuts with the cowbell during music class Monday, ferociously banging on the percussive instrument for more than five minutes in an effort to produce the loudest sound humanly possible. "Ah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah," the 7-year-old Armbrister shouted atonally to augment the performance, drowning out music teacher Brenda Noonan's impassioned appeals for him to stop. Noonan told reporters that in the future, Armbrister would be assigned triangle duty. more»

• Glandular Problem Forces Man To Eat Fifth Helping

  ISSUE 35•12 | 03.31.99 | News in Brief

  FREDERICKSBURG, MD—Born with a rare, debilitating glandular disorder, 450-pound Fredericksburg resident Gordon Hotchkiss, 41, helped himself to a fifth serving of mashed potatoes Monday. "Why, oh, why, was I chosen by God to suffer from this horrible blaaarghmum?" bemoaned the stricken Hotchkiss, helplessly shoveling fistfuls of buttery mashed potatoes into his mouth. "What have I done to deserve this awful glomphummm?" Hotchkiss' condition, known within medical circles as "bigfatfuckitis," also prevents him from using the stairs instead of the elevator to get to his second-floor apartment. more»

• The New Diva Age

  ISSUE 35•12 | 03.31.99 | Infographic

  From Celine to Shania, Whitney to Mariah, America is in the midst of a New Diva Age. Why are these female balladeers so popular? more»

  

• Horoscope for the week of March 31, 1999

  ISSUE 35•12 | 03.31.99 | Horoscope

  If the advice of the stars has still somehow failed to bring you happiness, don't worry: There's probably just something terribly wrong with you. more»

• What Is Sarah Michelle Gellar Complaining About This Week?

  ISSUE 35•12 | 03.31.99 | Statshot

  

• Routine Drunk-Driving Trip Turns Tragic For Five Local Teens

  ISSUE 35•12 | 03.31.99 | News in Photos

  

• Worthless Dog Can't Talk, Drive, Solve Crimes

  ISSUE 35•12 | 03.31.99 | News in Photos

  

• This Year's Tri-County Agribusiness Awards Were A Damn Travesty

  ISSUE 35•12 | 03.31.99 | Commentary

  As you no doubt know, this past Monday night was the Tri-County Agribusiness Awards, the gala annual event honoring the best in agriculture sales and marketing in the tri-county area. As is the case every year, I was really excited to watch the show. But after seeing who took home the coveted Aggys this year, I swear, I'm never watching again. The 1999 Tri-County Agribusiness Awards were nothing but a damn travesty! more»

• On The Road Again

  ISSUE 35•12 | 03.31.99 | Commentary

  I am sorry to say that Standish and I are no longer under the protection of the Burger-King. At the end of the first day of asylum, the diplomat known as "Dale—Crew Manager" informed us that we had been mistaken for two other "senior-citizens" who apparently also sought refuge with the fabled monarch of meat. more»

• Boxing's Black Eye

  ISSUE 35•12 | 03.31.99 | American Voices

  A New York grand jury is investigating whether judges received illegal payments in connection with the controversial March 13 Evander Holyfield-Lennox Lewis title fight, which was ruled a draw despite the fact that Lewis seemed to have easily beaten Holyfield. What do you think about this latest boxing scandal? more»

• Trophy Wife Mounted

• The Y2K Bug: How Will It Affect The Rapture?