Area Film Buff Wondering What Pauline Kael Would Say About Cookie's Fortune

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Issue 3516

Eggs Good For You This Week

BOSTON—According to a Northeastern University study released Monday, eggs—discovered last week by a University of California-Santa Cruz study to be unhealthy, raising serum cholesterol by as much as 20 percent—have beneficial effects on cardiovascular health this week. "Contrary to what was previously thought, consuming an egg a day can lower a person's blood pressure and increase the heart's efficiency for the next week," the Northeastern study stated. The report urged Americans to increase egg consumption immediately, as eggs may be unhealthy again as soon as next Monday.

Greenspan Just Repeating Detractors' Criticisms In High-Pitched Girly Voice

WASHINGTON, DC—Fed up after years of criticism, Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan is now just parroting the words of detractors in a high-pitched girly voice, it was reported Monday. "Oooh, in light of the GNP's 5 percent growth in FY 1998-9, Mr. Greenspan should be keeping a much closer eye on the prime rate," Greenspan said Monday, responding to a recent Barron's editorial arguing that, in light of the GNP's 5 percent growth in FY 1998-9, the 73-year-old Fed chief should be keeping a much closer eye on the prime rate.

So-Called 'Giant' Mouse Actually Baby Kangaroo

TACOMA, WA—An article in the latest issue of the journal Nature revealed that the fabled "Giant Mouse Of Tacoma" is actually a baby kangaroo. "An infant kangaroo, which likely either escaped from a wooden crate or was delivered by a comically intoxicated stork, infiltrated the local ecosystem, causing great embarrassment to area cats and their deeply traumatized, bag-wearing sons," the report stated. "In any event, no mouse of any size can balance on its tail while vigorously kicking an adult cat with its feet." A similar report suggested that the love interest of much-feared Parisian "Polecat de Pew" may actually be an ordinary housecat accidentally painted with a white stripe.

A Satisfactory Denouement

Last week, I described how, upon losing my stolen fortune in an ambush, I was kidnapped by the villainous Black Scarlet, who spirited me off to an abandoned granary to await the dispatchment of a great deal of ransom-money. I asked Black Scarlet if he would set me free upon receipt of the money. "Set you free? Never!" he exclaimed with a bitter laugh. "You shall for-ever remain my captive and be as free as those you have kept in shackles for so long!" Curse the cheeky scoundrel! I have never once kept any-one in shackles, excepting a few of my servants and the wife.

I Got A Birthday Coming Up!

Hola amigos. How does it hang? I know it's been a long time since I last rapped at ya, but I've been buried under a whole heap of shit. First off, I accidentally dropped my lighter down the drain of my sink a few weeks ago. As a result, I've been forced to light my weed off my electric stove, which is a major hassle. Plus, the lighter's been keeping a whole bunch of food and crap from going down the drain, so now my sink's all clogged. I tried to get the damn thing out with a coat hanger, but I can't quite get it.

I'm Totally Psyched About This Abortion!

I know, I know, I've heard all the arguments: Abortion stops a beating heart. It's a child, not a choice. Every life is precious. Well, I don't care what the pro-lifers say... I am totally psyched for this abortion!

Social Security System Overhauled To Provide 'Early-Death Incentives'

WASHINGTON, DC—Overwhelmed by a dearth of funds and a glut of recipients, the Social Security Administration unveiled a new "Early-Death Incentives Plan" Monday. Under the terms of the program, senior citizens willing to sacrifice additional years of life will be eligible for larger payouts.

NATO's 50th Anniversary

This past weekend, dignitaries from around the world gathered in Washington, D.C. to celebrate the 50th anniversary of NATO's founding. What were some of the highlights of the gala affair?

Peripheral Acquaintance Casually Mentions She Was Molested

HUNTINGTON BEACH, CA—Area resident Doug Spengler was taken aback Friday when acquaintance and fellow partygoer Dianne Liston casually mentioned to him that she was sexually molested as a child. "Most Saturday nights, I'd rather curl up with a good book than go on a date," Liston told Spengler, with whom she has spoken only twice before. "Maybe that's because my dad did some really bad things to me when I was young that sort of ruined sex and dating for me. But whatever the reason, I just really enjoy spending quality time alone. So, what do you do for fun?" Spengler responded by telling Liston about his love of fishing, opting not to mention his brother's 1985 suicide.
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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Election 2016

Area Film Buff Wondering What Pauline Kael Would Say About Cookie's Fortune

DAYTON, OH—Sources reported Monday that Keith Kuenn, a 34-year-old Dayton film buff, is wondering what former New Yorker movie critic Pauline Kael would say about Cookie's Fortune. "Considering what a big Altman fan Pauline Kael is, I'd say she would find Cookie's Fortune to be a worthy entry in the director's oeuvre, a film whose rich emotional tapestry and eye for Southern detail more than make up for what it lacks in narrative thrust," Kuenn said. "Then again, as evidenced by her infamous panning of Alain Resnais' Hiroshima, Mon Amour, Kael always relished playing the role of devil's advocate, so perhaps she would deliberately go against the grain on this one." Kael could not be reached for comment.