Area Friend's Artwork Totally Amazing

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Issue 3517

Eleven-Year-Old Used As Human Shield In Dodgeball Game

SPARTANBURG, SC—The U.N. is condemning the actions of Spartanburg fifth-grader Joshua Fife, who on Monday violated the terms of the 1949 Geneva Convention by using classmate Doug Wiersbicki as a human shield during a gym-class dodgeball game. "The terms of civilian protection, as outlined in the Geneva Convention, were clearly violated by Fife's placement of Wiersbicki in the direct line of heavy dodgeball fire," U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan said. "Whether in Kosovo or Mr. Brundage's gym class, the use of innocents as human shields must not be tolerated."

Senior-Center Residents Debate New Anchorwoman's Ethnicity For Fifth Straight Evening

ST. PETERSBURG, FL—Ferndale Senior Center residents debated new Channel 27 Action News anchorwoman Sonya Luntz's ethnicity for a fifth straight day Friday, with Edward Bloch, 81, steadfastly holding to his "Mexican" theory and Muriel Simmons, 83, leaning toward Hawaiian or Indian. "If you ask me, she looks Oriental," said Jack McCallum, 79, watching Luntz on the 6 p.m. newscast. "Orientals have that shape to their face—I saw it in the war." Luntz's ethnicity will be put to an official senior-center vote this Thursday.

Nation's Legislators Resume Unfettered Whoring

WASHINGTON, DC—The Clinton-Lewinsky scandal safely behind them, members of Congress are finally clear to resume their unfettered whoring, Beltway sources reported Monday. "Thank goodness this terrible scandal is over at last," said U.S. Rep. Fred Hutchinson (R-PA), accompanied by two women identified as "Bunny" and "Chantal." "With the national spotlight finally off the sexual indiscretions of its elected officials, my fellow legislators and I are once again free to gleefully hump all manner of mistresses, secretaries and hookers with impunity." Hutchinson then had sex with the women.

Universe Ends As God Wakes Up Next To Suzanne Pleshette

CHICAGO—The 15-billion-year-old universe came to a surprise-twist end Tuesday, when God woke up next to actress Suzanne Pleshette. "What a crazy dream I just had," God said to Pleshette at the conclusion of the popular, long-running universe. "I was the Creator of all things, I had this crazy Son who was always getting arrested and wouldn't get a haircut, and My children were always hurting and killing each other in My name." Pleshette reassured God that He had imagined the whole thing and urged the beleaguered, well-intentioned deity to go back to sleep.

Pamela Sue Is Going Au Natural!

Item! Pamela Sue Anderson Lee is all over the news again! Devoted Harveyheads may recall that about six months ago, I reported that the former Baywatch Babe had help of a surgical variety in a certain chest area. Well, I have it on good authority that she recently underwent surgery again, this time to get rid of those "helpers." I, for one, have to say that she is a gorgeous gal with or without any chestal assistance, and I applaud her decision to go au natural. Kudos, Pam!

Home At Last

For the first time in several months, I woke to find my-self back in my dank, urine-smelling bed-chamber at the Zweibel Estate. How glorious a sight to be-hold! For a second, I almost believed that my horrific experiences were but a terrible night-mare, yet I was almost mad with joy to be reunited with the many possessions I had once so taken for granted. Hello, big stuffed moose head! Hello, chafing-dish! Hello, meerschaum pipe! Hello, blotting paper! Hello, armoire! Hello, cupsidor! Hello, iron-lung! Hello, enema-bulb! Hello, socks!

I Don't Even Remember Writing The Tommyknockers

So, I'm doing this book signing for The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon at the Barnes & Noble on Manhattan's Upper West Side last week, and this woman comes up to me, gushing about how The Tommyknockers is her "absolute, all-time favorite book." The name really didn't ring a bell, but I figured I must have written it, seeing as this woman is bothering to tell me how it's her all-time favorite, so I just kind of play along like I know what the heck she's talking about.
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Special Coverage



College Freshman Decides To Be Lanyard-Wearing Kind

ANN ARBOR, MI—Emphasizing that this was not a choice he had made lightly, University of Michigan student Kevin Peterson told reporters Thursday that he had officially decided to become one of the lanyard-wearing kind of freshmen.

Area Friend's Artwork Totally Amazing

BOZEMAN, MT—Awed by her boundless imagination and dazzling technique, Tony Eisen declared the artwork of friend and Montana State University art student Heather Dunne "totally amazing" Monday.

Tony Eisen with friend Heather Dunne's latest piece.

"Heather's stuff is completely mind-blowing," said Eisen, who saw Dunne's latest acrylic painting, Patiently Hysterical, while returning a borrowed CD to her apartment Sunday afternoon. "I've never seen anything like it. It's like she's got this whole universe of her own in her head, and it comes out in her work."

Eisen, who said Dunne's work deals primarily with "themes of madness and altered consciousness and all this other totally out-there stuff," met the artist in September 1997 in a poetry class. Less than a month later, Eisen was invited to Dunne's apartment to view an extensive collection of the then-sophomore's acrylic paintings, magazine-clipping collages, and what Dunne calls "recovered-object pieces."

"Heather took this one '70s portable TV that somebody threw away, and right on the screen, she painted a war scene with tanks and soldiers," Eisen said. "It was this really deep statement about the media and war and, like, how the government's priorities in this country are all fucked-up, and we just watch it all on TV."

"That's what's so incredible about Heather's work: It really makes you think," Eisen said. "She'll take an everyday object and make you see it in a totally new and different way."

Dunne first began nurturing her talent at Billings (MT) High School, where she quickly rose through the ranks to become Art Club president. Over the course of her four years at Montana State, that talent has blossomed, with Dunne developing what her instructors call "a unique individual style."

"The first time I saw Heather's paintings, I was like, 'Whoa, this stuff is really good,'" Eisen said. "The use of color in her paintings is amazing. It's just really dynamic and multi-spatial. I mean, it's like everything on her canvas is totally three-dimensional."

Heather Dunne's <I>Two Straitjacketed Messiahs</I>, a sculpture friend Tony Eisen once called "incredible."

"Her art makes you question everything around you," Eisen continued. "Take, for example, her sculpture Two Straitjacketed Messiahs. Who's to say it's insane people who are truly insane? Maybe it's the sane people who are insane, and the insane people are actually the ones who see things the way they really are?"

Eisen, who has seen "tons" of other Montana State students' artwork, said he has never seen anything quite like Dunne's. Eisen also visited the Museum of Modern Art during a 1996 trip to New York and believes that Dunne's work "would fit right in."

Eisen is such a great fan of Dunne's work, he said that as soon as he can save some extra money from his campus-library job, he plans to purchase one of her pieces.

"I don't know if she would ever consider selling it, but I would love to buy Self Reflection," Eisen said of Dunne's Sculpture & Collage 220 final project, a glass-shard-covered mannequin. "That piece is incredible."

"If you think about it, it's a good investment, because she's going places," Eisen said. "Heather's going to be famous someday, I swear."

Dunne's talent has not gone unnoticed in the Montana State Art Department, either. Her wood, string and papîer maché sculpture, Lifeless Marionette, was awarded a $100 prize at the annual Spring Student Exhibit in April 1998.

"Heather is a very good student, and she deserves high praise," said Janet Alvy, Dunne's Figure Drawing 301 instructor. "She regularly attends class and never misses an assignment deadline."

Dunne is one of 255 Montana State seniors expected to graduate this spring with a bachelor's degree in art, placing her among a select group of 48,000 students who will receive art degrees from colleges and universities across the nation. She plans to continue to study art in graduate school in the fall.