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Area Man's Life Slipping Away Even As He Reads This

• Aliens Demand More Positive Portrayal In The Media

  ISSUE 35•24 | 06.23.99 | News

  WASHINGTON, DC—A coalition of extraterrestrials representing some two trillion lifeforms across the five major planetary confederations descended on Earth Monday to speak out against "the demeaning, degrading and hurtful portrayals" of aliens in the planet's media. more»

  

• Should The U.S. Impose Limits On Incredibly Stupid Shit?

  ISSUE 35•24 | 06.23.99 | News

  WASHINGTON, DC—With national stupid-shit consumption at an all-time high and federal shit projections indicating sharply rising levels of stupidity over the next decade and a half, a small but vocal group of lobbyists has revived an old debate on Capitol Hill, calling for strict, federally mandated limits on incredibly stupid shit. more»

  

• Area Payroll Secretary Really Pushing Direct Deposit For Some Reason

  ISSUE 35•24 | 06.23.99 | News

  GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Elaine Massey has vigorously championed the direct-deposit option, for reasons unknown to her coworkers. more»

  

• Greenspan To Play 15 Unannounced Small-Club Shows

  ISSUE 35•24 | 06.23.99 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON, DC—Fed chief Alan Greenspan announced Monday that he will make a series of 15 surprise appearances at small clubs this July and August. "Oh, man," said Wall Street Journal Washington Bureau correspondent Gary Perlich. "I've never seen The 'Span live. My buddy Jeff saw him back in '92 at the World Bank Conference On Recent Trends In Reserve Management in Geneva, and he said he blew the crowd away." The club dates are rumored to be a tune-up for a larger world tour in support of his hit report, The Pitfalls Of Increasingly Adversarial Trade Laws And Negotiating Practices In An Expanding World Economy (All 4 Love) more»

• Robin Williams Still Missing After Three-Day Free-Association Binge

  ISSUE 35•24 | 06.23.99 | News in Brief

  HOLLYWOOD, CA—Local police continued their search for Robin Williams Monday, three days after the movie star improvised himself off the set of the upcoming Paramount film My Three Sons. "Robin was ad-libbing brilliantly when, all of a sudden, he lost control and began doing impressions of everything in sight," My Three Sons director Donald Petrie said. "By the time we summoned his handlers, he'd left the studio lot altogether." Security guards reported seeing Williams extemporize wildly off studio property, riffing eastward down Melrose Avenue before disappearing from sight. His current whereabouts are unknown. more»

• Area Man Dead Of Fries

  ISSUE 35•24 | 06.23.99 | News in Brief

  MURFREESBORO, TN—Longtime fries sufferer Chuck Milner died Monday, succumbing to the fat- and cholesterol-laden side dish after a brave 53-year battle. "Sadly, Milner's family has a history of terminal French-fried potatoes, with his father, sister and several uncles dying of it," family friend Richard Winningham said. "Chuck first contracted fries during childhood, and it intensified into cheese fries during adulthood, becoming, in his final days, full-blown chili-cheese fries." Donations to the Milner family, which in recent years had exhausted its savings on ketchup and Lawry's seasoned salt, can be made care of Winningham. more»

• New VCR Made By Communists, Grandpa Alleges

  ISSUE 45•01 ISSUE 35•24 | 06.23.99 | News in Brief

  DOWNERS GROVE, IL—According to a report issued Tuesday by area grandfather Anderson Bresch, the Bresch family's new Gold Star VCR was built by Communists. "Look—it's made in China," said the 81-year-old man, examining the Japanese characters on the product's box. "I told you these things were the work of those shifty Reds. Can't you folks get yourselves a decent, God-fearing VCR made in Detroit?" An expanded version of the report will be presented to the State Department this week. more»

• Woman Pays Full Price For Carpet During One-Day-Only Non-Sale

  ISSUE 35•24 | 06.23.99 | News in Brief

  ELKHART, IN—In the first-ever non-special-sale offer in Carpetworld history, Elkhart shopper Bernadette Blake purchased 120 square feet of royal-blue Dupont Stainmaster II plush carpeting at the regular price of $7.99 a square yard Monday. "I was driving past my local Carpetworld and noticed that, for some strange reason, there were no sale signs in the window," said Blake, who arrived at the store 10 hours after the Sizzling Spring Sellout Sale ended and 14 hours before the Everything's 30 Percent Off Carpet Clearance Blowout Bonanza was scheduled to begin. "That made me extremely curious, so I went in to check it out." Encouraged by the success of the Blake transaction, Carpetworld is planning a week-long "Regular Daze" non-sale event, featuring added costs for carpet pad and installation, as well as nothing of interest for the kids. more»

• Austin Powers Mania

  ISSUE 35•24 | 06.23.99 | Infographic

  Grossing $55 million in its opening weekend and knocking Star Wars out of the top spot in the process, the Austin Powers sequel is a certified sensation. Why is the film so popular? more»

  

• Horoscope for the week of June 23, 1999

  ISSUE 35•24 | 06.23.99 | Horoscope

  It's time to come to terms with your less-than-perfect childhood. After all, you did get to meet Robin Ventura during his tour of minimum-security group homes. more»

• Least Visited Science Museum Exhibits

  ISSUE 45•01 ISSUE 35•24 | 06.23.99 | Statshot

  

• Painful Reminder Celebrates Fourth Birthday

  ISSUE 35•24 | 06.23.99 | News in Photos

  

• Inspirational Poster Kitten Falls To Death After 17 Years

  ISSUE 35•24 | 06.23.99 | News in Photos

  

• I Just Don't Trust The New Pastor Yet

  ISSUE 35•24 | 06.23.99 | Commentary

  Today marks exactly three months since Pastor Bufenkamp's retirement dinner. I've really been trying to be a good Christian and open up my heart to the new pastor, but the truth is, I just don't trust him yet. more»

• Ro-bot Monster

  ISSUE 35•24 | 06.23.99 | Commentary

  As a youth, I always envisioned that my older years would be fraught with peace and grace, and that I would sit under the shade of a sycamore tree in my favorite white linen suit, sipping a mint julep and telling my grand-children of my wondrous exploits as the editor-in-chief of The Onion news-paper. more»

• Has Leo Gotten Himself Hitched-O?

  ISSUE 35•24 | 06.23.99 | Commentary

  Item! Ladies, brace yourselves for some serious heartache. The word is, Hollywood hunk du jour (that's "of the day" for all you non-French speakers) Leonardo DiCaprio has gotten married! Apparently, Leo recently spent some time in Taiwan shooting a big new movie, and while he was there, he started up a whirlwind romance with a lucky local. Love bloomed, and Leo and the lady soon became husband and wife! Now, I don't know the name of the bride, nor do I know the wedding date. I was scrambling around right up until press time to find this info for you, but certain people don't have enough common courtesy to return a phone call. But rest assured that the second I know more, I'll share it with you, my faithful readers. more»

• IDing Teens At The Movies

  ISSUE 35•24 | 06.23.99 | American Voices

  Attempting to shield teens from violent imagery, U.S. cinema owners agreed last week to require young people to show photo IDs when buying tickets for R-rated movies. What do you think? more»

• Danish Woman Has Huge Crush On TV's S¿ren Pilmark