Area Payroll Secretary Really Pushing Direct Deposit For Some Reason

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Issue 3524

Woman Pays Full Price For Carpet During One-Day-Only Non-Sale

ELKHART, IN—In the first-ever non-special-sale offer in Carpetworld history, Elkhart shopper Bernadette Blake purchased 120 square feet of royal-blue Dupont Stainmaster II plush carpeting at the regular price of $7.99 a square yard Monday. "I was driving past my local Carpetworld and noticed that, for some strange reason, there were no sale signs in the window," said Blake, who arrived at the store 10 hours after the Sizzling Spring Sellout Sale ended and 14 hours before the Everything's 30 Percent Off Carpet Clearance Blowout Bonanza was scheduled to begin. "That made me extremely curious, so I went in to check it out." Encouraged by the success of the Blake transaction, Carpetworld is planning a week-long "Regular Daze" non-sale event, featuring added costs for carpet pad and installation, as well as nothing of interest for the kids.

Area Man Dead Of Fries

MURFREESBORO, TN—Longtime fries sufferer Chuck Milner died Monday, succumbing to the fat- and cholesterol-laden side dish after a brave 53-year battle. "Sadly, Milner's family has a history of terminal French-fried potatoes, with his father, sister and several uncles dying of it," family friend Richard Winningham said. "Chuck first contracted fries during childhood, and it intensified into cheese fries during adulthood, becoming, in his final days, full-blown chili-cheese fries." Donations to the Milner family, which in recent years had exhausted its savings on ketchup and Lawry's seasoned salt, can be made care of Winningham.

Robin Williams Still Missing After Three-Day Free-Association Binge

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Local police continued their search for Robin Williams Monday, three days after the movie star improvised himself off the set of the upcoming Paramount film My Three Sons. "Robin was ad-libbing brilliantly when, all of a sudden, he lost control and began doing impressions of everything in sight," My Three Sons director Donald Petrie said. "By the time we summoned his handlers, he'd left the studio lot altogether." Security guards reported seeing Williams extemporize wildly off studio property, riffing eastward down Melrose Avenue before disappearing from sight. His current whereabouts are unknown.

Has Leo Gotten Himself Hitched-O?

Item! Ladies, brace yourselves for some serious heartache. The word is, Hollywood hunk du jour (that's "of the day" for all you non-French speakers) Leonardo DiCaprio has gotten married! Apparently, Leo recently spent some time in Taiwan shooting a big new movie, and while he was there, he started up a whirlwind romance with a lucky local. Love bloomed, and Leo and the lady soon became husband and wife! Now, I don't know the name of the bride, nor do I know the wedding date. I was scrambling around right up until press time to find this info for you, but certain people don't have enough common courtesy to return a phone call. But rest assured that the second I know more, I'll share it with you, my faithful readers.

Ro-bot Monster

As a youth, I always envisioned that my older years would be fraught with peace and grace, and that I would sit under the shade of a sycamore tree in my favorite white linen suit, sipping a mint julep and telling my grand-children of my wondrous exploits as the editor-in-chief of The Onion news-paper.

Should The U.S. Impose Limits On Incredibly Stupid Shit?

WASHINGTON, DC—With national stupid-shit consumption at an all-time high and federal shit projections indicating sharply rising levels of stupidity over the next decade and a half, a small but vocal group of lobbyists has revived an old debate on Capitol Hill, calling for strict, federally mandated limits on incredibly stupid shit.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Real Estate

Area Payroll Secretary Really Pushing Direct Deposit For Some Reason

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—For reasons unknown to her coworkers, Midwest Book & Stationery payroll secretary Elaine Massey is "really pushing" direct deposit, aggressively encouraging fellow employees to have their biweekly checks electronically deposited into their bank accounts, company sources reported Tuesday.

The direct-deposit-obsessed Elaine Massey.

"I swear, Elaine has mentioned this direct-deposit thing to me at least four times in the past week alone," said Midwest shipping clerk Jan Prentiss. "I mean, what does she care if I go to the bank or not?"

The direct-deposit option, which Massey has assured coworkers is "real simple and just takes a few minutes to set up," first became available during the pay period ending April 17. Ever since, Massey has vigorously championed the option, releasing a memo about it, holding an informational meeting in the breakroom, and approaching each of her co-workers individually to discuss the "great opportunity to save [themselves] some running around."

Stock sorter Aaron Douglas is one of 22 Midwest employees Massey has approached in the last month to remind that direct deposit is available for both checking and savings accounts.

"I can understand Elaine telling us about this direct-deposit thing once. As payroll secretary, it's probably part of her job to let people know about this kind of stuff," Douglas said. "But, I mean, it's like every single day with her. Does she really get her rocks off knowing we don't have to make a special trip to the bank on payday?"

One of the most baffling aspects of Massey's direct-deposit fixation, coworkers said, is the fact that the service in no way lessens her workload.

"Even if you have direct deposit, on payday you still get an envelope along with everyone else, only it just has the check stub in it," Douglas said. "So it's not like there are less envelopes for her to handle or something."

"In fact," Douglas continued, "It's probably more work for her, because she has to process a whole separate form to okay the procedure. Maybe she just wants to find out which bank we use or something weird like that."

Though the reason for her unusual interest in the banking option may never be known, Massey seems motivated in part by a desire to share her own positive experiences using "D.D."

"I hardly even go to the bank at all anymore," Massey told new employee Andrea Delvecchio Saturday, spotting her in the Steinberg Furniture & Appliance parking lot. "I just use my ATM card to get cash. And I never have to wait in line!"

In the wake of the Delvecchio run-in, coworkers have expressed concern that Massey's solicitations are becoming more aggressive. The last two paydays, Massey handed all employees a direct-deposit request form, which she assured them is kept "strictly confidential." Twenty Midwest employees have already been pressured into signing up as a result.

"I didn't really care one way or the other, but Elaine seemed to want it so bad, I finally gave in and signed up for direct deposit," said Larry Orosco, Massey's most recent convert. "At least now, she doesn't bother me about it anymore."