Clinton Meets With Guy With Tie

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Issue 3530

Serial Killer Remembers Neighbors As Quiet, Unsuspecting

DOTHAN, AL—Arrested Monday in connection with a 17-month killing spree that claimed the lives of 23 people, alleged serial killer Henry Wayne Vaughn recalled his numerous neighbors as "quiet and unsuspecting." "The Blaines were nice people who pretty much kept to themselves," Vaughn said of Michael and Meredith Blaine, a young couple who lived across the street from the serial killer until their deaths on Oct. 9, 1998. "They always seemed very cordial and extremely trusting." Vaughn also fondly remembered the neighborly spirit of the Baggios of Juniper Street. "I paid their kid to mow my lawn once," he said, "and after that it was as if we were old friends." Vaughn also praised his postman as extremely polite and helpful, noting, "He'd come right into your basement if you said you needed help reaching something."

Struggling Local Theater Space Put Out Of Its Misery

MN—Refusing to let the dying theater space suffer any longer, compassionate Duluth civic leaders signed legislation Monday euthanizing the Crescent Street Playhouse, which had been fighting to raise awareness of itself throughout virtually all of its 14th year of existence. "We did all we could," said councilman Willard Hogue. "But by the end, that poor theater was just a shell of its former self. It's never easy to look into the eyes of a repertory company and tell it the end is near, but when that moment came, even the cast of True West admitted it was sort of a relief."

Ostrich-Farm Employee 'Asking For It,' Say Witnesses

TUCUMCARI, NM—Witnesses to Monday's vicious ostrich attack on farmhand Steve Padgett say the recently hired Ostrich Acres employee was "definitely asking for everything he got." "That guy was harassing that bird," farm visitor Brenda Arons said. "He should've thought about what he was getting himself into." Padgett co-worker Jim Twilley agreed, saying, "Gertie has put up with a lot from Steve since he started working here. I say it's about time he got what was coming to him." Padgett is hospitalized and in stable condition after sustaining numerous injuries, including severe cranial trauma and four broken ribs, in the flightless creature's assault.

Presence Of Three Round Objects Triggers Juggling Reflex In Local Man

ST. JOSEPH, MO—The juggling reflex of area resident Joel Brodhagen was triggered Tuesday, when a lemon, potato and spherical votive candle all appeared in his range of vision. "Hey, check it out, Henry!" the 33-year-old juggling enthusiast exclaimed to uninterested friend Henry Graves as he kept the objects airborne for nearly three minutes. "Whoa, almost lost it there!" Other objects recently juggled reflexively by Brodhagen include an apple, a Koosh ball and a souvenir snow globe from Niagara Falls.

Traumatized Child Comforted By Television

MASON CITY, IA—In an inspiring story that has warmed hearts throughout this tight-knit northern Iowa community, a luminescent cathode-ray tube provided much-needed emotional nurturing and support for a traumatized child this week, comforting him in his time of need.

Public Protection

In the wake of two more high-profile shootings, citizens are calling for new, stricter security measures. What does the government plan to do to increase public safety?

More Like Blair Witch Projectile Vomiting!

Item! In the terminal overhype department, I have to say that this new Blair Witch Project was one of the biggest snores I have ever seen in my life! First of all, I got queasy from all the jerky movement and the shots of leaves and grass. I was so nauseous, I couldn't even bring myself to go back to the concession stand to get my free refill on popcorn, and you know how much I love popcorn! And then there were the characters: They were all big jerks, and they didn't even look like celebrities! Who cares if they got lost in the woods? It's not like it was Antonio Banderas or Gwynneth Paltrow out there in danger; it was just a bunch of homely dopes. Tie in the fact that most of it was black-and-white and cheap-looking, and I was left considerably unimpressed. Count me out for the sequel, guys. And in the future, please consider leaving moviemaking to the professionals.

Remembering The Stink-weed

The Onion was not the first publication I edited and published. In my senior year at Cadwalader Preparatory Academy, I was in charge of the school humorous magazine, The Stink-weed. It was so named to remind the reader of the noxious odor of this vegetation and to lend an over-all air of non-refinement. But I assure you, it was all for the sake of harm-less jocularity.

North Carolina Elects Someone To Run Out For Cigarettes

RALEIGH, NC—In a decisive 91-8 vote Monday, the North Carolina Legislature elected Rep. David Schare (D-Wilmington) to run out and get some cigarettes for his fellow legislators. "Mister Speaker and all my distinguished colleagues, I am honored to accept the post of Smokesman-At-Arms," Schare said following the vote. "I will do my very best to fulfill my duties faithfully and diligently. So, who wants menthols?" Schare is the 49th person to hold the recently renamed post, which had been called "Faggoteer General" since the state's first assembly in 1789.

Helping Your Kids Succeed In School

Now more than ever, parents need to be active and involved in their children's education for them to succeed. Here are some ways you can give your kids the support they need to thrive in the classroom.
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Special Coverage



Clinton Meets With Guy With Tie

WASHINGTON, DC—In a historic summit with profound, far-reaching implications for the nation at large, President Clinton met with a guy in a tie Tuesday, shaking the man's hand firmly while projecting a warm yet determined countenance.

Clinton smiles and shakes hands with an important guy wearing a tie.

Standing confidently before reporters and various dignitaries in a White House meeting room equipped with a raised dais, podium, microphone and prominently displayed American flag, the two men greeted each other, exchanged polite small talk and waved cordially to the assembled press.

The guy, presumably an important and distinguished person of one sort or another, waited quietly during introductory remarks made by other people with different ties.

"It is my pleasure to welcome my esteemed colleague to the White House today," Clinton said. "And I'd like to thank him for taking the time to address this key issue facing America as it stands on the verge of a new millennium."

After being formally greeted by a smiling Clinton, the tie guy, who had arrived at the White House several minutes earlier in a big, fancy car, smiled back, furrowing his eyebrows at times to convey determination and seriousness of purpose, yet always maintaining a friendly demeanor.

Clinton was also wearing a tie.

"Thank you, Mr. President," the guy in the tie said. "I very much look forward to our discussion and am confident it will prove fruitful."

The president and the guy in the tie then retired to a large, stately room somewhere else in the White House, where they spoke to each other in earnest, modulated tones.

According to witnesses to the four seconds of footage from the event which was edited into nightly newscasts, the guy with the tie is some kind of visiting dignitary, businessman, expert, government official or something.

Though it is not known at this time exactly what the two tie-wearing men discussed during their meeting, it is believed the topic may have been fiscal policy, tariffs or international law, or possibly even human rights, taxes, budgets, treaties or social programs of some kind. It is known, however, that the meeting was very important and therefore necessitated the wearing of ties.

The incident marked the 194th meeting between Clinton and a guy with a tie in the last week, and the 82,876th such meeting since the start of his administration. Clinton has met with an estimated 795,526 tie-wearing men over the course of his political career, all of them important. This latest meeting comes on the heels of Monday's important meeting between Clinton and a guy with a tie and crown, and last week's equally important meeting with a guy in a turban, one of the few times Clinton has met with an important person who was not wearing a tie.

"Clinton and a guy in a tie? I think I saw that on television," said D.C.-area tavern-owner Jim Blakely. "Clinton was meeting some guy, and they shook hands and, if memory serves me correct, I think they expressed mutual admiration and shared optimism about the future. They showed a brief clip of it, but I had the sound off in the bar because the jukebox was on, so I didn't hear what it was about."

"They walked across the White House lawn," Blakely added, "and then Clinton waved confidently and got into a limo. Or maybe it was a helicopter and a thumbs-up sign. I forget which one it was. Hard to say, really."

In addition to ties, the two men had very expensive suits, fancy watches, gold tie clips, shiny cufflinks and well-polished shoes, as well as very nice, expensive pens in their breast pockets. Clinton's visitor also had an important-looking leather attache case which sources said complemented and accentuated the imposing-yet-elegant effect created by his tie.

While talking, Clinton and the guy with the tie sat on classy armchairs in a fancy sitting room furnished with expensive carpeting and antique oaken furniture, as well as numerous valuable decorative items, including paintings, baubles and various tokens of appreciation from foreign heads of state.

There was also reportedly some sort of coffee-table-type thing between them, upon which they were presumably able to set things down. Among the objects believed to have been placed on this alleged table are the presumably very important pieces of paper from inside the briefcase of the tie-wearing man.

During the historic meeting, the chairs were most likely angled together slightly so that the president and the guy in the tie could face each other yet still have plenty of freedom of movement and leg room. It is also believed that coffee and other refreshments were served or, if not, at least available if requested.

Upon the conclusion of the closed-door, two-tie conference, Clinton paused briefly to meet with his tie-clad staff before leaving the White House to address a roomful of other people in ties in Maryland later that day. The guy with the tie, who characterized the talks with Clinton as "very promising," also departed, acknowledging cameramen with a brief, perfunctory hand-wave/head-tilt gesture while getting into a car with other tie-wearers.

"These two people definitely met with each other, and whatever the man with the tie said was, in some respect at least, extremely significant," said CNN White House analyst Jonathan Heiler. "It must have been, or it wouldn't have been important enough to necessitate a meeting with the president of the United States himself. Everything he does is, as near as we can tell, very significant and noteworthy. Just how noteworthy this will prove to be in the long run, well, it's still just too soon to tell."

"But it's definitely important," Heiler added.

Of the two men's ties, it is believed that Clinton's was slightly fancier.