Issue 3532

Study: 82 Percent Of Americans Want To Run Over Nathan Lane With A Tractor

PRINCETON, NJ—According to a Gallup poll released Monday, 82 percent of Americans describe themselves as "wanting very much" to run over Broadway and film star Nathan Lane with a tractor, with 60 percent of respondents preferring that a trailer loaded with pig iron be attached to the rear of the vehicle. "These figures reflect a 12 percent rise from last year," Gallup official Tom Ross said. "That's remarkable when one considers that Mr. Lane's cancelled NBC sitcom Encore! Encore! was on the air at that time." Of the dissenting 18 percent of respondents, 11 percent wanted to bind Lane's ankles with a cable attached to the Space Shuttle, and 7 percent wished to strap him to a stone slab and force him to watch The Birdcage for 800 hours on continuous loop.

Man Who Didn't Get Joke Acts Like He Did

LAS CRUCES, NM—Comprehension of a joke involving Jeffrey Dahmer and Lorena Bobbitt was unsuccessfully feigned Monday, when area resident George Browner, 31, laughed along with tablemates at the Steaks Alive! eatery in Las Cruces. "Whoa! There you go," said the confused Browner, offering an intentionally vague response to what he suspected may have been the joke's punchline. "You got that right." Browner added, "Well, she's sure crazy enough to do it," making his non-comprehension all the more obvious.

God Legally Changes Name To Jake Steele

CINCINNATI—In an unprecedented image makeover for the eternal deity, universal creator God legally changed His name to Jake Steele at the Cincinnati Municipal Courthouse Monday. "Let the word ring out across Heaven and Earth," said Steele after obtaining documentation of His new moniker. "I shall now be known as thy Creator, Jake Steele. And thou shalt have no other Jake Steeles before me." In the wake of the change, the Vatican has announced that the Lord's Prayer will now begin, "Our Father, Jake Steele, who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy new name." The decision was reportedly prompted by the former Jesus Christ's changing of His own name to "Shane Chance Steele" in July.

Report: Some Americans May Not Work In Offices

EVANSTON, IL—Despite strong evidence to the contrary on television sitcoms and in USA Today, a Northwestern University report released Monday claims that some Americans do not work in office settings. "The non-office-employed worker, long thought to be a fanciful creation from the realm of business fiction, may actually exist and walk among us," said Tim Irving, professor at Northwestern's Kellogg Business School. "Many offices, for instance, receive materials from outside, such as mail and food. While these items are undoubtedly produced in other offices, the people who bring them from one office to another do not necessarily appear to have an office of their own." It has been further theorized that, given the existence of jobs outside offices, workers may exist who do not wear business suits.

Strapping Young Man To Address Congress

WASHINGTON, DC—Congress will receive a visit later this week from strapping young man Johnny Armstrong, Beltway sources reported Tuesday. The robust, corn-fed 20-year-old is expected to discuss numerous key issues and impress legislators with his sturdy frame and genial, easygoing manner. "What a fine young man," Sen. Arlen Specter (R-PA) said of the all-American boy with the winning grin. "Johnny Armstrong gives me hope for the future of this nation." "I don't know what he is going to speak about," Sen. Robert Byrd (D-WV) said, "but what a charming, handsome young fellow--much better than the pale, uncharismatic sort we usually get around here."

Roller-Coaster Safety

Reeling from a string of roller-coaster fatalities this summer, amusement-park operators across the country are taking steps to increase safety. Among them:

Work It, Jean!

You know, not to sound like a sour Sally, but I've just about given up on the male gender. It seems like when they aren't planted in a La-Z-Boy, glued to a football game on TV and knocking back beers, they're bossing us women around or boasting about how wonderful and masculine they are. Shortly before I was fired from my temp job at SouthCentral Insurance (by a man, by the way!), I told this to my pal Fulgencio, who worked in the data-processing department with me. I vowed to him that I wasn't going to take any more guff from men, period. And you know what? Instead of getting a stupid smirk or a big lecture, he let out a great, big, "Whooooo!" and slapped me five. "You go, girl!" he said. "You show them bitches. Those men are nothing but bitches, anyway!"

Columbine Jocks Safely Resume Bullying

LITTLETON, CO—On April 20, when two students at Columbine High School opened fire in a brutal shooting spree that left 12 classmates and a teacher dead, many feared that this affluent suburban school would never be the same.

Corporation's New Logo Changes Everything

INDIANAPOLIS—Responding swiftly to a 60 Minutes piece exposing its longtime use of child labor in Malaysian sweatshops, Fortune 500 consumer-goods manufacturer United Home Products unveiled a brand-new logo Tuesday.

Ghost-Writer In The Machine

This morning, I awoke to find my ingrate son M. Prescott prodding my rib-cage with his gold-tipped walking stick. He wanted an old "Message" of mine from the era of the Second World War to commemorate the end of the century. But when asked to recall an appropriate column, I was at a loss. The heart-less whelp pronounced it senility, but I must now admit some-thing I've never made public before: A lot of the "Messages" I wrote throughout the century weren't actually by me. For nearly 20 years, from 1934 to 1953, I used a ghost-writer.
End Of Section
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Cruise, Kidman Walk Through Lobby

LOS ANGELES—A-list Hollywood celebrities Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, considered by many to be the most important humans on the planet, walked through the lobby of the Four Seasons Hotel Monday, drawing the attention of dozens of reporters and photographers and thrilling millions of television viewers, Access Hollywood sources reported.

Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman in their newsmaking lobby walk.

Cruise, universally admired for his sly, charismatic grin and stunning good looks, and wife Kidman, who has garnered worldwide acclaim for her breathtaking beauty, were reportedly in the hotel "for some reason" and traversed the lobby "to exit it and leave" when Access Hollywood captured their beautiful images.

"They were definitely at the location with their actual physical persons undoubtedly present," a statement from producers of the popular syndicated infotainment program read in part. "Luckily, our cameras were there to verify the momentous event and broadcast it, without delay, to as many people as humanly possible."

By all reports resplendent in designer Versace ensembles, Cruise and Kidman, married in 1990 in a hush-hush Christmas Eve ceremony following a whirlwind courtship, kept their ravishing gazes fixed breathtakingly toward the floor during their brief passage from one end of the lobby to the other. They then entered the back of a waiting car and were driven away, bringing the star-studded lobby walk to an end.

"It was magical. They were in rare form, giving the revolving door just enough of a push to set it in motion, exhibiting the grace, style and poise for which they have become so renowned," said Ellen Donahue, an unremarkable nobody who happened to be in the lobby at the time. "And you could totally tell it was them, because of all the cameras and everything."

The gorgeous Kidman and her hunky husband set tongues wagging with their attention-grabbing lobby walk, Access Hollywood host Pat O'Brien said in a nationally televised statement.

"Hollywood's hottest real-life lovebirds were at it again yesterday," he told viewers Tuesday, "walking through a lobby with their unmistakable style, on their way to someplace fascinating and exciting."

Added co-host Nancy O'Dell: "That's right, Pat, and we'll be seeing some more scintillating snippets of that fabulous footage later in the show. But first, Access Hollywood correspondent Bob Reese catches up with everybody's favorite Eight Is Enough star, Dick Van Patten."

The program then segued into a feature showcasing Van Patten and his family at a celebrity charity rollerblading event.

Response to the Hollywood power couple's lobby walk has been overwhelming. Film critic Michael Medved called Cruise's confident, deliberate stride—immortalized in such blockbusters as The Color Of Money, Rain Man and A Few Good Men—"a smashing return to form for Tom Terrific after the fizzle of the Stanley Kubrick box-office bomb Eyes Wide Shut."

A photo of Kidman and Cruise during the couple's headline-grabbing May 1997 walk to a restaurant.

Celebrity-watchers added that Kidman, who met Cruise on the set of Days Of Thunder, more than held her own during the 15-second stroll, matching her heartthrob husband's million-megawatt star power with the grace and confidence that have earned her the respect and admiration of critics and moviegoers alike around the globe.

"It was wonderful," said Irene Davis, a Bristol, CT, plebian who saw the couple's lobby walk on television. "Normally I'd never have a chance to rub elbows with the likes of Tom and Nic, but thanks to Access Hollywood's exclusive, inside peek at the comings and goings of Movieland's hottest couple, I got to feel like I was right there in the lobby with them."

Despite the raves from the public, some celebrity-watchers are unimpressed with the lobby stroll.

"This was a real disappointment, coming from stars of Cruise and Kidman's magnitude," New York Post gossip columnist Liz Smith said. "In the past, we've seen much more impressive lobby-walks from both—dressed to the nines, waving at cameras and smiling at crowds at restaurants, gala benefits and award shows. But this time, it seemed like they were just phoning it in. Frankly, I'm unwowed."

"The least he could have done was give a thumbs-up to the camera," Smith added. "C'mon, Tom... Your fans deserve more!"

Nonetheless, O'Dell said, the general consensus is that Cruise and Kidman have done it again, proving that "when it comes to walking across the surface area of a lobby floor, they're at the top of the Hollywood heap."

Cruise, currently filming Mission: Impossible 2, is expected to walk through at least three more lobbies before beginning work on Minority Report, a Steven Spielberg sci-fi thriller with a Christmas 2000 release date. And, according to Kidman publicist Lisette Rose, the Aussie actress, who is following up her buttock-baring performance in the Broadway hit The Blue Room with the psychological horror flick The Others, has "a very busy schedule" but has not ruled out the possibility of appearing on a Rodeo Drive sidewalk "sometime soon."


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