T.A. Spotted At Bar

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Issue 3533

Hamburglar Urges Senate Subcommittee To 'Robble Robble Robble'

WASHINGTON, DC—Denouncing a prison system he described as "robble," hamburger advocate and convicted felon Hamburglar addressed the Senate Subcommittee on Penal Reform Monday, demanding more humane conditions for the nation's inmates. "Robble robble robble robble robble robble robble robble robble robble robble robble," an emotional Hamburglar told the 12-member committee. "Robble robble robble robble robble. Robble robble robble robble robble robble: Robble robble." Reaction to the speech was mixed. "Certainly there is room for improvement in our penal system," U.S. Sen. Bob Smith (R-NH) said. "But I would hardly call the current situation 'robble.'"

Tourist Realizes It's All Just A Lie Set In Place For Him

SAGEBRUSH, TX—An excursion to the Sagebrush Wild West Ghost Town ended in disillusionment Saturday, when, over the course of two hours, Lodi, NJ, resident Vic Coyne came to see the 'genuine 1873 frontier village' for the play-acting fantasy artifice it always was. "I was first taken aback by the blacksmith's shop with the concrete frame," Coyne said. "But I figured it could be a reconstruction from old photographs in cooperation with a local historical society." The final blow, Coyne said, was "the 'old-time' saloon, in which the bartender's nametag read 'Smilin' Joe' and a menu item read 'Old-Fashioned Sarsaparilla,' with 'Hires Root Beer' in parentheses."

Unnamed New Gas Station Struggling To Find 'Stop 'N Go' Variant

CHARLESTON, WV—The grand opening of a Charleston-area gas station was put on hold Monday as its owner struggled to find an available "Stop 'N Go" variant for its name. "Already taken are 'Gas 'N Go,' 'Stop 'N Fuel,' 'Pump 'N Pay,' 'Gas 'N Save,' 'Pay 'N Go,' 'Park 'N Pump,' 'Fuel 'N Drive,' 'Stop 'N Gas,' 'Get 'N Go,' 'Fuel 'N Pay,' 'Buy 'N Leave,' 'Fill 'N Flee,' 'Tank 'N Peel,' and 'Pay 'N G'way,'" said owner Marv Stoudt, who noted that he has even exhausted such British variants as "Petrol 'N Depart." "We are trying to find a yet-unused permutation of two words separated by the fanciful abbreviation 'N that conveys some combination of gas, low price, stopping and going," Stoudt said.

Report: Adjectives 'Tony,' 'Snarky' Used Only By Media

BOSTON—According to a report released Monday by the McLuhan Institute For Media Studies, the adjectives "tony" and "snarky" are used exclusively by the media and have not occurred in person-to-person conversation in 36 years. "It is our finding that the most recent occurrence of 'tony' in a non-media context was during a conversation between two socialites at a 1963 New Year's Eve party at New York's Ritz-Carlton Hotel," the report read. "As for 'snarky,' to the best of our knowledge, the word has never been used by a non-media source." The adjectives join "glitterati," "gal pal" and "posh digs" in the pantheon of words and terms existing exclusively in the media.

Two Dead In 'Kind Of Brutal' Slaying

NEW ORLEANS—A convenience-store clerk and customer were shot to death Monday in an armed robbery described by witnesses as "kind of brutal." "I don't know, you see lots worse stuff in the movies," said Ed Rozema, who was waiting in line to buy cigarettes at the time of the sort-of-chilling double homicide. "I mean, yes, it was unpleasant, but it wasn't the most gruesome murder in the world." Police at the scene agreed, saying they have seen far more horrific crimes. "The gunshots were clean and to the chest, so it's not like there was blood and brains all over the floor," said Sgt. Bill Culver of New Orleans' 33rd Precinct. "A murderer is going to have to work a lot harder to shock us."

TV Targets Teens

Encouraged by the success of such WB programs as Dawson's Creek and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, other networks are rolling out their own teen-oriented shows this season. What tactics are programmers using to attract this coverted demographic?

Huzzah For The Death Of A Child!

Rejoice, O readers! Let there be songs of praise sung throughout the press-rooms! Bedeck the rooms of my estate with the merry-buntings, and polish my court-yard statue! Truly this is a day for hosannas, for an 8-year-old girl has perished beneath the wheels of a bull-dozer!

Caring For Your Car

Regular maintenance will make your automobile safer to dive and extend the life of your vehicle, saving you money in the long run. Here are some tips to help keep your car in tip-top shape:

Huge Quantities Of Primo Shit Incinerated By Feds

LAKE ARROWHEAD, CA—A ton of people up and down the coast were seriously bumming Monday, when the Drug Enforcement Administration announced the seizure and destruction of huge quantities of seriously primo shit.
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Special Coverage


  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.


T.A. Spotted At Bar

STATE COLLEGE, PA—Drew Phelan, 26, a Penn State University graduate student and teaching assistant for History 107: Introduction To Western Civilization, was spotted at the Bulldog Brew Pub last weekend, Section Four sources revealed shortly before class Monday.

Drew Phelan

"I walked into the 'Dog at, like, midnight Saturday, and sitting right there at the bar was Drew, our T.A.," sophomore Zach Matthews told several fellow students in Phelan's 11:05 a.m. discussion section. "It was crowded as hell, but I'm totally positive it was him."

Matthews, who assured sectionmates that he was not shitting them, said Phelan was dressed in his typical style, wearing a button-down shirt and khakis. The T.A. was accompanied by two females, one of them "pretty okay-looking," and one who "looked kinda cute, but sorta old." Matthews said it was not clear if either of the two women were Phelan's girlfriend, though at one point, the older-looking one stroked the T.A.'s forearm with her left hand.

Phelan appeared to be having a good time and was witnessed talking and laughing. He did not have his briefcase or his usual copy of England From 1066 To 1688 with him.

"When I saw him, I was like, 'Holy shit, it's our T.A.!'" Matthews said. "It was so weird to see him out in the world, at a bar. You just never think of him as being interested in anything besides Western Civ."

Matthews continued to relate details of the T.A. sighting to rapt classmates for four more minutes, until a student seated near the door signaled that Phelan was about to walk into the room. The students then exchanged smirking glances and carefully studied Phelan for any sign of a hangover.

T.A. Drew Phelan in the lecture hall for History 107.

"Wow, that's so bizarre," sophomore Stephanie Munoz said. "Phelan doesn't seem like the type to go out and party, but I guess you never know."

"Last year, I saw my Spanish T.A. at a free Guided By Voices show at the union," Munoz added. "It looked like she was really getting into it."

Matthews was accompanied to the Bulldog Brew Pub by fellow History 107 student Eric Lake.

"At first, Eric was kind of freaked, because we both have fake IDs," Lake said. "But he was like, 'Chill, Zach. How would Phelan know how old we are? We could be in an intro class because we're, like, returning students or something.'"

Though Lake attends a Tuesday-Thursday discussion section with a different T.A., he recognized Phelan from lecture. Neither he nor Matthews approached the T.A., but from their vantage point by the dartboards, they could tell he was drinking beer.

"It looked like it was a Sam Adams, though I'm not 100 percent sure," Matthews said. "Eric said he thought it was a Rolling Rock, but I'm positive the bottle was brown."

Matthews said the sighting has given him a newfound respect for Phelan. He even told fellow History 107 student Jeff Dinardo that if he ever saw Phelan out at a bar again he might buy him "a shot of Jager[meister]" as a friendly gesture.

Lake, however, was less pleased by the T.A.'s unexpected foray into his favorite hangout.

"I go out to have a good time, not to have some teacher hovering around, reminding me that there's a bunch of shit I should be reading," Lake said. "If [Phelan] starts going to the 'Dog on a regular basis, I'm going to start hanging out at Looney's instead."