Savings Passed On To Local Woman

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Issue 3535

Exercise Briefly Considered

GERMANTOWN, TN—The notion of aerobic exercise fleetingly crossed the mind of Memphis-area office manager Theodore Sperling Monday. "There was half an hour to kill before Monday Night Football," Sperling said, "and I thought for a few seconds that maybe I should go for a walk around the block." After raising himself from the couch, however, Sperling instead walked to the kitchen for a leftover pork chop from that evening's dinner and returned to the living room, where he briefly channel-surfed before settling on a Game Show Network rerun of Match Game '75.

Doctors Say Pope Will Be Infallible For Another Year At Most

VATICAN CITY— According to papal physicians, 79-year-old Pope John Paul II, the infallible Earthly vicar of Christ, will likely become fallible within the next year. "Though infallible, as are all popes, our beloved John Paul is likely to lose his infallibility somewhere in the 10- to 12-month range," Vatican chief physician Dr. Giovanni Caggiano said Monday. "His eyesight and hearing already show strong signs of fallibility, and his frequent illness suggests a possible waning in his overall metaphysical perfection. Coronary fallibility is a real possibility in the near future."

Area Woman Not About To Miss Ally McBeal For That

ROCHESTER, NY—At approximately 10 p.m. Thursday, 41-year-old Rochester resident Connie Smoller informed her husband Patrick that she isn't about to miss Ally McBeal for that. "For God's sake, this is the classic 'Those Lips, That Hand' episode from last April," Smoller said. "That's the one where John tells Ally that Nelle thinks he's in love with Ally, and then he kisses her. And Nelle gets Barry White to sing at the bar for John's birthday, and then John goes up and dances on the stage and everyone joins him. And if that weren't enough, it's got that whole hilarious thing with Billy and Georgia trying the case where the guy gets fired from his job because of his bad comb-over, and the thing with Richard wanting to break up with Ling because she doesn't want to have sex with him. There's no way I'm missing all of that just to go to your silly 25th high-school reunion."

Congress Discontinues Festival Seating After Insurance-Deregulation-Bill Stampede

WASHINGTON, DC—Reacting to the Sept. 7 stampede in which 18 members of the House of Representatives were trampled to death in a mad dash to get good seats for a debate and vote on insurance-deregulation bill H.R. 1627, Congress announced Monday that it will end its longtime "festival seating" policy. "Regrettably, there is no way to turn back the clock and prevent the senseless loss of these representatives," Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert told reporters. "But we can take steps to ensure that horrible tragedies like this never happen again." In the future, Hastert said, congressmen will purchase tickets with preassigned seat numbers and be required to sit in that seat.

To Hell With Philanthropy

Every autumn, I like to do two things: perform my annual October shitting and contemplate the size of my fortune. And as much as I enjoy the former, I enjoy the latter even more.

Ask A Chat Room

People Connection: Town Square: Twin Cities is a syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask A Chat Room, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.

Burned-Out Coffee-Shop Employee Just Lets Paul Simon Play For Fifth Time

PORTLAND, OR—Exhausted and beyond the point of caring what music she listens to while working, 22-year-old Espresso Royale Cafe employee Jennifer Bergstrom let Paul Simon's Graceland repeat in the coffee shop's CD player for a fifth time Monday. "I've already heard 'The Boy In The Bubble' four times today," Bergstrom said. "Would hearing Paul Simon sing, 'These are the days of miracle and wonder, this is a long-distance call,' one more damn time honestly make any difference at this point?" During her 10-hour shift, Bergstrom also listened to Natalie Merchant's Tigerlily three times and a Putumayo world-music compilation twice.

The White Rap Boom

Led by such acts as Kid Rock, Eminem, Insane Clown Posse and Everlast, white rap is storming the pop charts. Why are there so many Caucasian rappers these days?

You Worth It

"Over the course of three years of research," NCI study head Dr. Frederick Courson said, "one clear, immutable fact emerged: You work hard, and you should definitely reward yourself."

Disgruntled Ninja Silently Kills 12 Co-Workers

SKOKIE, IL—Toshiro Tenchumaru, a 34-year-old ninja and longtime employee at Azuma Copier Corporation in Skokie, stealthily took the lives of 12 co-workers Monday after suffering what investigators theorize was "a breakdown due to job-related stress."

I Want A Chopper On The Pad Fueled For New York Now

Okay, look alive, people! Get going... now! This is what we've been training for! You know your jobs—do them! Go! Go! Go! Get Watkins in here. I want him to set up a remote command center, and I want it done yesterday, you hear me? Get a lawyer standing over everything we do so we have word of God that we went by the book, even if we didn't. And I want a chopper fueled for New York turning on the west pad right fucking now!
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Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.