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New E-Toilet To Revolutionize Online Shitting

• Congress Passes 'America Is #1' Bill

  ISSUE 46•26 ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 35•36 | 10.06.99 | News

  WASHINGTON, DC—In yet another victory for America, the bill that makes its greatness official passed Congress Monday. more»

  

• Local Newscaster Enjoys Celebrity Status At Charity Fun Run

  ISSUE 35•36 | 10.06.99 | News

  WAUWATONKA, WI—Local newscaster Randall "Herch" Herchwick is no stranger to the spotlight. As a member of WTNK's award-winning Channel 15 Action News Team, his nightly reports on crucial, late-breaking stories are seen by hundreds of people throughout the tri-county area. But the popular TV personality enjoyed a taste of even greater stardom Sunday, when he was the special celebrity host of the 14th Annual Wauwatonka Area Charity Fun Run. more»

  

• Area Man Had No Idea There Was So Much To Know About Buying A Sofa

  ISSUE 35•36 | 10.06.99 | News

  HIGH POINT, NC—After spending more than three hours hearing about the world of choices available for his comfort, convenience and satisfaction as a new couch owner, area home-furnishings shopper Lee Rothamer admitted Monday that he had no idea there was so much to know about buying a sofa. more»

  

• Cher's 'Believe' Now Faintly Audible Everywhere In America

  ISSUE 35•36 | 10.06.99 | News in Brief

  GREAT SALT LAKE DESERT, UT—Building upon its presence in every health club, supermarket, bank, clothing store and waiting room in the U.S., Cher's "Believe" was heard Monday by bauxite miners working 1.4 miles beneath the Earth's surface in a remote section of the Great Salt Lake Desert, confirming suspicions that the hit dance track is at least faintly audible everywhere in the nation. "My miners said they heard a throbbing synthesizer sound, accompanied by some sort of painful, piercing wail, coming through the granite walls at the bottom of the shaft," said Wilson Mining Works foreman George Connerly. "So we turned off the turbine-powered pressure drills to get a better listen, and, sure enough, it was that Cher song." The ubiquitous "Believe" was also recently heard at the peak of Alaska's Mt. McKinley, in the farthest reaches of Kentucky's Mammoth Cave, and in the middle of a swamp deep within ... more»

• Rookie Cop Laying On The Jargon A Little Thick

  ISSUE 35•36 | 10.06.99 | News in Brief

  CHICAGO—Four days after joining the Chicago Police Department, Officer Patrick Finley of the 18th Precinct is laying on the jargon a little thick, it was reported Monday. "Yesterday, he got on the radio and called for a 'black-and-white' instead of a 'squad car,'" said Ray Podriewski, Finley's partner. "Not only is 'black and white' movie jargon dating back to the 1940s, but our cars are blue and white, for God's sake. Then, as if that weren't bad enough, he calls the handcuffs 'bracelets.'" Podriewski said Finley later added insult to injury when he referred to the police as "the fuzz." "First of all," Podriewski said, "that's what criminals supposedly call the police. Second of all, even they don't really say it. more»

• CNN To Get All Information From In-House Channel 'CNN-CNN'

  ISSUE 35•36 | 10.06.99 | News in Brief

  ATLANTA—In a telejournalism first, CNN announced Monday that from now on, all of its information will come from its own 24-hour, closed-circuit news channel, "CNN-CNN." "The old method of gathering news, in which information was culled from the Associated Press, Reuters, our own reporters and the other 24-hour news channels, was inefficient and needlessly complicated," CNN owner Ted Turner said. "Now, we have a single, consolidated, in-house news source to which CNN can turn exclusively." If the venture is successful, an airport version of CNN-CNN, CNN-CNN-Airport News, will be launched for traveling CNN reporters. more»

• Local Man Casually Mentions Upcoming Birthday

  ISSUE 35•36 | 10.06.99 | News in Brief

  DURANGO, CO—Awareness of Donald Shrifkin's upcoming birthday was raised among his co-workers Monday, when the soon-to-be 38-year-old casually mentioned the special day during a departmental meeting. "Yeah, so, I'm gonna be out of the office on Friday, because it's my birthday, and I'm taking the day off to make a three-day weekend out of it," Shrifkin told a group of fellow sales representatives. None of Shrifkin's co-workers said they intend to mark the occasion in any manner whatsoever. more»

• Area Bar Used To Be Cool; Now Lame

  ISSUE 35•36 | 10.06.99 | News in Brief

  EAST LANSING, MI—Michigan State University seniors reported Tuesday that Sparty's Tavern, once the coolest bar in East Lansing, has deteriorated into a state of total lameness. "Man, I remember my first year here, Sparty's was the place to go Friday nights," said communications major Chad Resnick. "Now it's all full of freshmen and stuff." Psychology major Caryn Trimble agreed, adding, "They used to have $2 pitchers on Wednesdays. And the jukebox used to have the coolest music, like Bob Marley and Dave Matthews. Now it's all just Top 40 shit." more»

• Wild About Harry

  ISSUE 35•36 | 10.06.99 | Infographic

  Occupying the top three spots on The New York Times bestseller list and boasting more than five million copies in print, the Harry Potter books aare the biggest literary sensation in years. Why is this children's fantasy series so popular with readers of all ages? more»

  

• Horoscope for the week of October 6, 1999

  ISSUE 35•36 | 10.06.99 | Horoscope

  Try to exercise a little diplomacy this week, as you are the U.S. ambassador to Namibia. more»

• Top 20th Century Genocides

  ISSUE 35•36 | 10.06.99 | Statshot

  

• Christianity: Is Your Family At Risk?

  ISSUE 35•36 | 10.06.99 | News in Photos

  

• Grown Man Purchases 37th Sailor Moon Figurine

  ISSUE 35•36 | 10.06.99 | News in Photos

  

• It's Nice To Feel Wanted For The Murder Of Three Local Children

  ISSUE 35•36 | 10.06.99 | Commentary

  It sure has been nice to get all this special attention these last couple of weeks. I have to admit, I'd pretty much been cut off from society for a good number of years, but now it seems that everyone knows my name. And even though I've decided to keep a low profile here in this New Mexico motel, it sure is nice to feel so wanted for the murder of three local children. more»

• A Mistress Of The Mails

  ISSUE 35•36 | 10.06.99 | Commentary

  Several weeks ago, I received this note in the morning mails: more»

• Earthquake Safety Tips

  ISSUE 35•36 | 10.06.99 | Tips

  Earthquakes can strike without warning, and being prepared for such a disaster can mean the difference between life and death. Here are some tips to help you and your loved ones make it through a quake: more»

  

• Reform Party Follies

  ISSUE 35•36 | 10.06.99 | American Voices

  Among the names being thrown around as potential Reform Party presidential candidates for 2000 are Jesse Ventura, Pat Buchanan, Donald Trump, Cybill Shepherd, Ross Perot and Warren Beatty. What do you think about this wildly diverse assortment of Reform Party presidential hopefuls? more»

• Giant Samoan Woman To 'Come On Down'