BURBANK, CA—A team of telegeneticists at the University of California-Burbank announced Monday that they have successfully bred a more mediagenic strain of human being.
"Ever since early Man sat and told stories of living, loving and learning in the Neolithic Age while huddled together on a campfire-facing couch, we as a species have wanted to look good in a mass-media context," said UC-Burbank telegeneticist Dr. Brian Clausewitz. "Humanity is now closer than ever to realizing that oldest and fondest of dreams."
Clausewitz's team of telegeneticists has been working to develop a more camera-friendly human since 1991, using the latest in media-analysis technology in its efforts to determine exactly what qualities make up a truly perfect telegenetic specimen.
"By carefully breaking down the telegenetic makeup of TV's top personalities—by which we mean the most attractive people—we believe we can establish a template for the perfect human," said Dr. James Richelieu, a telegeneticist who joined the UC-Burbank team in 1996 after a five-year stint with the federally sponsored Human Videonome Project. "This new, nearly perfect being, homo entertainmentis, is the best hope for humanity in a media-saturated future."
UC-Burbank telegeneticists spent countless hours culling data from television programs ranging from sitcoms to local newscasts. The data, consisting of information on attractive television personalities' body confidence, camera-awareness and winning smiles, was mapped onto a blueprint for the ultimate human.
Then, using a special videochromatograph, the scientists analyzed the structural make-up of some the most telegenetically advanced humans alive, including Jennifer Aniston, Craig Kilborn, George Clooney, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Matt Lauer, Jenna Elfman and James Van Der Beek. From this data, the scientists were able to create a human exhibiting all the characteristics of these stars right down to the last telegene.
Though Richelieu admitted that the task of telegenetically manipulating the entire U.S. populace is formidable, it is by no means impossible. The nation, he said, can expect to see a noticeable mediagenic drift by as early as 2049.
"Americans have already taken the crucial first step of choosing their life partners on the basis of looks, favoring mates whose appearances most closely resemble those of the people they see on TV," Richelieu said. "This trend shows no sign of relenting anytime soon. And that's good news for a future generation of happy, good-looking, TV-friendly Americans."