Telegeneticists Breed More Mediagenic Humans

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Issue 3537

Legislators Still Concerned About Key Non-Issues

WASHINGTON, DC—With Americans increasingly concerned about the Social Security crisis and nuclear threats abroad, a coalition of leading congressmen restated their long-standing commitment Monday to such non-issues as flag-burning, school prayer and Internet porn. "Make no mistake, Congress is still deeply committed to these inconsequential matters," Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) said. "As long as we are in office, we will continue to clog up the legislative process with this trivial dross." Hatch said citizens should feel free to e-mail his office with any other non-issues they feel are being overlooked.

Ritalin Gummis Unveiled

BASEL, SWITZERLAND—In what it is touting as "a fun, delicious new way to combat Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder," Ritalin manufacturer Novartis unveiled Ritalin Gummis Monday. "Good news, parents: Controlling your kids' wandering attention spans and erratic, impulsive behavior just got yummier," said Novartis director of product development Charles Bentley. "Available in five fruity flavors, Ritalin Gummis will soon be available at pharmacies and Brach's Pick-A-Mix displays everywhere." If the product is successful, Novartis rival Eli Lilly said it will likely move forward with a tart, sugary antidepressant tentatively dubbed "Paxil Stix."

Some Genius Juxtaposing Religious Iconography And Bodily Waste Yet Again

SAN FRANCISCO—The ultimate taboo was broken for the 856th time Monday, when the controversial art exhibit "Doo-Doo Messiah" opened at the San Francisco Museum Of Modern Art. The shocking series of sculptures and paintings, which, among other things, depict Jesus Christ enthusiastically eating St. Paul's feces and blessing himself with the urine of John the Baptist, has sparked outrage among Christian leaders, many of whom flew straight from the Brooklyn Museum Of Art's "Sensation" exhibit to begin work on protesting this latest shocking installation. "This is the most horrifying, blasphemous excuse for art I have ever witnessed again," said Father Theodore Dickey of the Archdiocese of Boston. "I have seen many excrement-Jesus sculptures, but this is easily one of the 20 worst." Pastor Joseph Annunciata of the Cincinnati League of Episcopalians was equally shocked, asking, "Why would they display such a thing in a place where decent Christians are going to see it when they come to protest it?"

I Am Tired Of These Constant Near-Death Experiences

Last night, as I so often do during my sleep, I dreamt of the lithe-limbed and frustratingly over-corseted Sophie Tucker. But midway through the dream, without warning, the lady-actress' enchanting features changed to the stern visage of German Chancellor Otto Von Bismarck!

It's Splitsville For Jacko!

Item! Megasuperduperstar Michael Jackson and his wife are calling it quits after five years of wedded bliss. No official word yet on the cause of the divorce, but rumor has it, the wife was frustrated over Jackson's refusal to let her appear in one of his music videos. Sounds like the same thing that tragically drove the Ricardos apart. Let's just hope there's no bitter custody battle over the animals. In times of divorce, the first priority should be to do what is best for the capybaras.

Infidel!

Bring forth the prisoners! I, Gorzo The Mighty, hereby decree that Crash Comet, Space Commander From The Year 2000, and his puny boy sidekick, Buddy Jeepers, are to be executed summarily, vaporized, and their space-particles scattered across the farthest reaches of the cosmos! I have spoken! But first, remove the bags covering their faces! Unmask the weak, insignificant prisoners, that I may spit in the face of these two foolish whelps who dare to call themselves "the galaxy's greatest heroes." I wish to force them to watch the destruction of the entire United-Earth Space-Army with a single blast from my Atomo-Ballistic Laser Cannon, so that they may die knowing the hideous depths of their failure!
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House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Telegeneticists Breed More Mediagenic Humans

BURBANK, CA—A team of telegeneticists at the University of California-Burbank announced Monday that they have successfully bred a more mediagenic strain of human being.

An example of the mediagenic humans that telegeneticists are trying to breed to replace conventional humans (inset).

"Ever since early Man sat and told stories of living, loving and learning in the Neolithic Age while huddled together on a campfire-facing couch, we as a species have wanted to look good in a mass-media context," said UC-Burbank telegeneticist Dr. Brian Clausewitz. "Humanity is now closer than ever to realizing that oldest and fondest of dreams."

Clausewitz's team of telegeneticists has been working to develop a more camera-friendly human since 1991, using the latest in media-analysis technology in its efforts to determine exactly what qualities make up a truly perfect telegenetic specimen.

"By carefully breaking down the telegenetic makeup of TV's top personalities—by which we mean the most attractive people—we believe we can establish a template for the perfect human," said Dr. James Richelieu, a telegeneticist who joined the UC-Burbank team in 1996 after a five-year stint with the federally sponsored Human Videonome Project. "This new, nearly perfect being, homo entertainmentis, is the best hope for humanity in a media-saturated future."

UC-Burbank telegeneticists spent countless hours culling data from television programs ranging from sitcoms to local newscasts. The data, consisting of information on attractive television personalities' body confidence, camera-awareness and winning smiles, was mapped onto a blueprint for the ultimate human.

Then, using a special videochromatograph, the scientists analyzed the structural make-up of some the most telegenetically advanced humans alive, including Jennifer Aniston, Craig Kilborn, George Clooney, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Matt Lauer, Jenna Elfman and James Van Der Beek. From this data, the scientists were able to create a human exhibiting all the characteristics of these stars right down to the last telegene.

Though Richelieu admitted that the task of telegenetically manipulating the entire U.S. populace is formidable, it is by no means impossible. The nation, he said, can expect to see a noticeable mediagenic drift by as early as 2049.

"Americans have already taken the crucial first step of choosing their life partners on the basis of looks, favoring mates whose appearances most closely resemble those of the people they see on TV," Richelieu said. "This trend shows no sign of relenting anytime soon. And that's good news for a future generation of happy, good-looking, TV-friendly Americans."