Turkish Man Kiss You

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Issue 3541

Clinton Says Badtz-Maru May Be His Favorite Sanrio Character

WASHINGTON, DC–In a surprise reversal, President Clinton announced Monday that Badtz-Maru is "probably" his favorite Sanrio character. "Badtz-Maru is a very mischievous little penguin," Clinton said. "I love it when he rolls his eyes and sticks out his tongue. Also, he lives in Gorgeoustown, where he attends first grade at the Gorgeous Academy with his friends Hana Maru the seal and Pandaba the panda bear. Badtz-Maru likes to take walks in the park with his pet alligator Pochi. He is so funny!" In 1997, Clinton had stated that Keroppi the frog is his favorite Sanrio character.

MIT Researchers Discover Each Other

CAMBRIDGE, MA–While attempting to isolate a gene believed to be key to the development of the autoimmune disorder myasthenia gravis Monday, MIT geneticists Dr. Stephen Eng and Dr. Caryn Sohn made a breakthrough discovery: each other. "I was examining some cellular tissue when my electron microscope broke," Eng said. "Caryn offered to share her microscope, and each of us looked at the tissue through one of the eyepieces. At one point, our cheeks lightly touched, and I looked over and realized how beautiful she looks without her glasses." Sohn felt a similar rush of emotion, saying, "I always saw Stephen as a respected colleague and a dedicated scientist. But that afternoon, for the first time, I saw him as a man." A process of trial-and-error sexual experimentation commenced later that evening, continuing well into the night.

Eight Million Americans Rescued From Poverty With Redefinition Of Term

WASHINGTON, DC–Approximately eight million Americans living below the poverty line were rescued from economic hardship Monday, when the U.S. Census Bureau redefined the term. "We are winning the war on poverty," said bureau head James Irving, who lowered the poverty line for a four-person family to $14,945. "Today, millions of people whose inflation-adjusted total household income is less than $16,780 are living better lives." Said formerly poor Jackson, MS, motel housekeeper Althea Williams: "I never dreamed I'd ever become middle-class. America truly is the land of opportunity."

Time Foe Tha H-Dog To Give Props

Yo, peep this: I wanna take this opportunity to give a shout-out to all tha homies who got tha H-Dog's back in his day-to-day bidness as tha Accountz Reeceevable Supervisa over at Midstate Office Supply, know what I'm sayin'? Now, I know what all y'all be thinkin': Damn, that H-Dog, he a straight-up big-willie highrolla, an' if there ever wuz a person that don't need to give no props to nobody, he it. No diggity, bruthahs an' sistahs.

Local Man Orders Now

ELKHART, IN—Wowed by a half-hour paid commercial for the latest miracle product from Culinare®, makers of the incredible SafetyCan, local resident Wayne Pusak ordered the "Rocket Chef" now, it was reported Monday.

Dropping A Hint

My man-servant Standish informed me that this upcoming Yule-tide will be the final one of the years that begin with 19. This fact got me to thinking and, although I certainly would hate to impose on any-one, it would sure be nice if I could receive the gift of a nice, new woolen shawl for Christ-mas.

New Study Too Frightening To Release

PALO ALTO, CA–Researchers at Stanford University are refusing to release a comprehensive three-year interdisciplinary study on the grounds that the results are "too terrifying to reveal to the public at large," sources close to the project announced Monday.

Watch Me Sleep My Way To The Top Of The Glendale Homeowner's Association

I've been around Glendale, a safe, clean, family-friendly neighborhood made up of 113 residential lots bordering Glendale Park, long enough to know how things work. Sure, I'll admit it: Back in 1991, when I
first joined the Glendale Homeowners Association, I was pretty naïve. I thought that if
I just showed enough ambition and volunteered for enough litter drives, I'd rise to the top and be on the GHA board of directors in no time.

Brutal Gang Rape Gives Screenplay More 'Punch'

HOLLYWOOD, CA–Screenwriter Justin Weichert "punched up" his screenplay for the action-suspense film Lethal Force, adding a brutal gang-rape scene, it was reported Monday. "The studio asked for a little more oomph, a little more edge," Weichert said of the added scene, in which the sister of lead character Jack Fist is brutally raped in an alley by Fist arch-enemy Ivan Petra and a band of the Russian drug lord's thugs. "So, to give Fist more motivation, I figured I'd put in a crime he'd definitely want revenge for. Only the sickest of freaks would fail to identify with the hero after seeing this rape scene." Weichert also noted that the scene calls for female nudity, which "has never hurt a film's box-office receipts."

Rich Guy Wins Yacht Race

NEWPORT, RI–Some rich guy came in first Monday in that big, famous yacht race held every year at the Newport Yacht Club, a big, fancy yacht place with "a whole lot of really expensive-looking boats and shit," sources reported.

Jewish Anti-Deprecation League Protests New Woody Allen Movie

NEW YORK–The Jewish Anti-Deprecation League picketed the New York premiere of Woody Allen's latest film, Waltzing With Schopenhauer, Monday, arguing that it "perpetuates misleading stereotypes of Jewish self-deprecation that do not reflect the modern Jewish-American experience."

The New Game Shows

With ABC's Who Wants To Be A Millionaire a ratings smash, a flood of big-money game shows are on the way, inclusing Fox's Greed and CBS's Suvivor!, in which 16 strangers are marooned on a desert island for a chance at $1 million. What are some of the others?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.


Turkish Man Kiss You

IZMIR, TURKEY–According to reports, Izmir-area journalist and table-tennis enthusiast Mahir welcomes you to his homepage and kiss you. "Welcome to my page!!!!!!!!! I Kiss You!!!!!" said Mahir, who enjoys taking foto-camera of animals, towns, nice nude models and peoples. Friends and neighbors of the green-eyed, mustachioed player of many many music enstrumans reported his tall at 1.84 centimeters. Mahir also stressed that who is want to come TURKEY, he can invitate. "She can stay my home," he said. "I like to be friendship from other country." Those who visitate Mahir and stay his home can expect to speak numerous languages with him, as well as participate in such sports as swiming, volayball, tenis and walk. "I like sex," Mahir added.