Divorced Man Forced To Get Back Down To Dating Weight

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Issue 3544

Area Man Dying To Tell Someone His Cool Password

PUYALLUP, WA—Bob Aldridge, who last week became an America Online member, is dying to tell someone his cool password, the 31-year-old associate marketing manager revealed Tuesday. "Oh, man, it is seriously the most awesome password ever," Aldridge said. "Unfortunately, I can't tell anyone, because the whole point is to keep it a secret. But believe me, if you heard this password, you would be so unbelievably jealous." Though Aldridge has given no clues as to what the password might be, several of his friends said they strongly suspect it has something to do with Buffy The Vampire Slayer, The Simpsons or They Might Be Giants.

Anarchists Rise Up, Move To Different Cafeteria Table

BATAVIA, NY—After years of working toward an ultimate goal of smashing the dominant social and political hierarchy, the Anarchy League of Batavia South High School rose up and took action Monday, moving to another cafeteria table when this bunch of jerks from the popular kids' table wouldn't stop making faces and shooting spitballs at them. "At long last, the time has come for us to gather our books and sit over at that other table by the window where, hopefully, those guys will stop bugging us," said sophomore anarchist Lindsay Franklin, 15. "I hate those stupid idiots. They think they're so cool."

Police Uncover Talk-Show-Guest Mill In Rural Kentucky

TOMPKINSVILLE, KY—After months of searching, Kentucky law-enforcement officials, working closely with federal authorities, discovered a massive, illegal talk-show-guest mill Monday on the outskirts of Tompkinsville. "When I first laid eyes on the place, I couldn't believe what I was seeing," said Monroe County sheriff Bill McCallum, the first to spot the long-sought mill. "There had to be enough scrawny, toothless men in "Stone Cold" Steve Austin T-shirts and fat, foul-mouthed women in sweatsuits for a thousand Jerry Springer episodes. There was a whole section of the mill that, from the looks of things, pumped out nothing but rattails."

Ask A Woman Trying On Pants

Cheryl Woods is a nationally syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask A Woman Trying On Pants, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.

Ferocious Ad Assault Crushes Ragtag Sales Resistance

BANGOR, ME—A brave, desperate attempt at sales resistance was decisively crushed by the Sony Corporation Monday, when a group of non-camcorder-owning rebels caved in to a fierce advertising blitz designed to quash all remaining consumer opposition to the Sony Handycam camcorder.

Roommate All Into Cycling Now

IOWA CITY, IA—According to area resident Jonathan Radzinski, after two months of being completely into fencing, roommate Jeff Specht is suddenly all into cycling. "For the longest time it was fencing and now, like, from out of nowhere, there's all this cycling shit all over the apartment," Radzinski said. "There's two bikes in the front hallway, and he's got some kind of timer thing that he always leaves on the table. And I keep finding these little lycra racing outfits draped across the radiator." Radzinski said he is jolted awake at 4:30 a.m. five times a week by the sound of Specht's alarm clock, which wakes the temporary cycling enthusiast for his morning ride. Specht's previous all-consuming interests include kayaking, black-and-white photography and home brewing.

Terrorist Bomb Not Defused In Thrilling, Suspense-Packed Final Minutes

LONDON—An action-packed chase through the subway tunnels beneath London's famed Victoria Station, culminating in a climactic, pulse-pounding fight sequence atop a speeding double-decker bus, did not occur Monday, when a terrorist bomb exploded on a crowded downtown bus after not being defused at the very last moment.

The E-vertising Boom

Every other commercial on TV these days seems to be plugging an Internet company. Why are so many web-based businesses turning to television advertising?

Jesus 'Really Dreading' This Next Birthday

JERUSALEM—Jesus Christ, son of God and savior of humanity, confided Monday that He is not looking forward to His 2,000th birthday next year, saying that He is "really dreading turning the big two-oh-oh-oh."

How Many Atrocities Does It Take To Get Into USA Today?

I slaughter, and I slaughter, and I slaughter. And do I get any recognition for all my bloodshed? Nope. Since seizing power in Burundi in a 1996 military coup, I have been responsible for countless barbarous acts, committing far worse crimes against humanity than that so-called madman Slobodan Milosevic. Yet it's as if I don't even exist! How many atrocities does it take to get into USA Today?

The Zweibel Prize

Years ago, when I was a young news-paper man and you were but a series of brutish animal impulses in your drunken great-grandfather's pants-creases, a young man appeared in my office and presented me with an investment opportunity. From simple lye-soap and sulfur, he had devised an explosive material known as the dyna-might, and he said he needed only the resources of the Onion news-paper to finance and transform his brainchild into a million-dollar empire!
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Divorced Man Forced To Get Back Down To Dating Weight

SILVER SPRING, MD—Greg Geisinger, a 265-pound Wilmington man whose seven-year marriage ended in divorce earlier this month, must get back down to his dating weight of 190 pounds, he announced Monday. "Oh, man, I have got to lose this weight if I'm gonna be back out there dating again," said Geisinger, who for years has carried 75 pounds of excess marital flab on his 5'11" frame. "No good-looking single woman is gonna want to go out with a guy who looks like this." Geisinger said he is eager to remarry so he can gain back the weight he is about to lose.