Nation's Schoolchildren Call For Cuts In Math, Science Funding

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Issue 3547

Woman On TV Engulfed In Animated Credit-Card Bills

BRISTOL, TN—Officials from United Home Lenders were summoned Monday to the aid of homeowner Tanya Irving, who was sighted at 3:12 a.m. straining under the weight of cartoonish, video-animated bills with scowling faces. "We were notified that the woman's home was overrun by bills, bills, bills," said UHL president Aaron Tompkins. "Naturally, being decent people, we wanted to help." Tompkins said that Irving may even qualify for some extra cash for a vacation or home repair.

Book Given As Gift Actually Read

LONG BEACH, CA—The nation's publishing industry was rocked by Monday's news that a book given as a holiday gift was actually read and enjoyed by its recipient. According to reports, Long Beach schoolteacher Gavin Wallace completed James Gleick's Genius: The Life And Science Of Richard Feynman, a present from his cousin. "I was very interested in Dr. Feynman, after having seen a TV show on him last month," Wallace told reporters. "So, having some time to myself over the holidays, I read the book, which I enjoyed thoroughly." Wallace previously made headlines for his December 1996 consumption of the entire contents of a Hickory Farms gift basket.

Couple Always Like This

QUINCY, MA—Longtime couple Scott Pfaff and Lisa Baumgartner have pretty much always been like this, sources close to the pair revealed Monday. "This is definitely no news-flash," said mutual friend Stacie Pritkin, who recently hosted a holiday party during which the pair was at it as usual. "You hang out with those two, you learn to expect that sort of stuff." Said Pfaff's friend Marc Dohn: "I was at the mall with them once when they started getting like that—right in Radio Shack."

New Jersey Supreme Court Rules The Bastard Had It Coming

TRENTON, NJ—By a 6-1 decision Monday, the New Jersey Supreme Court overturned the murder conviction of Secaucus auto mechanic Joseph Delavecchia, ruling that the bastard he deep-sixed had it coming. "Why would you try something like that with another man's wife?" wrote Judge Frank Mancuso in his majority opinion. "I tell ya, [dead bastard] Vince[nt Pitti] got off lucky, getting knocked off so quick. I seen guys get a lot worse than two slugs to the gut for the kind of stunt he pulled." The bastard's family has vowed to appeal the decision, saying they are prepared to take it all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court if necessary, pally.

Beautiful Nurse Gives Teen Enema

HUNTINGTON, WV—A routine stay at Huntington General Hospital turned humiliating Monday, when Bradley Fiddich, 17, received an enema from shapely, smooth-skinned nurse Stephanie Goodwin, 22. "Oh, my God, I want to kill myself," said Fiddich following his degrading encounter with the attractive, single Goodwin, who rolled him over and inserted an enema tube into his anus, draining the contents of his colon. "I can never look at another girl as long as I live." Fiddich noted with alarm that while conversing with Goodwin, he learned that the nurse's younger sister is in his science class.

Energetic Self-Starter Instantly Despised By Co-Workers

CHARLOTTE, NC—Timothy Benson, 27, a self-described "fast learner and motivated self-starter," showed up for his first day of work at Williams & Broderick Accounting "bright-eyed and bushy-tailed" Monday, instantly earning him the undying hatred of his new co-workers.

Another Lousy Christ-mas

How appropriate, during the season in which we celebrate the glorious nativity of our Holy Savior the Christ-Child, that I found my-self the proud papa of my own sweet little son! Giddy over the blessed arrival of N. Aeschylus, I vowed that the Zweibel clan's annual Christ-mas pageant and talent exhibition would be especially lavish. I instructed my man-servant Standish to assemble the finest entertainment in the Republic and to set up the old Nativity scene props. It would truly be a Yule to remember!

We Are Not Properly Following Robert's Rules Of Order

There is a plague of indolence across our land. Time is being wasted, bad decisions are being made. This would not be such a crime if the tools to prevent it were not available in any bookstore worth its salt. I speak, of course, of Robert's Rules Of Order, the definitive handbook of parliamentary procedure, which has guided deliberative bodies worldwide since 1876.
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Nation's Schoolchildren Call For Cuts In Math, Science Funding

WASHINGTON, DC—Calling current levels of funding "unconscionably excessive," thousands of schoolchildren descended on the nation's capital Monday to demand drastic cuts in math and science funding for public schools.

Douglas Witherspoon, 11, and Kimberly Neesin, 10, propose "sorely needed" school-spending cuts.

"Something must be done about America's bloated education budget," said Douglas Witherspoon, 11, director of the Committee To Cut Math & Science. "Each year, math- and science-education funding sucks an estimated $40 million out of taxpayer wallets. How much longer will we as a nation continue to prioritize the teaching of things like algebra and biology?"

"Besides," Witherspoon added, "you can just use a calculator anyway, so why learn all that math?"

"The U.S. has the most advanced space program in the world," Witherspoon continued. "We invented, among other things, the microchip, the PC and the Internet. We cured polio. Are these the accomplishments of a nation that lags in math and science education? Clearly not. But like a bloodthirsty leech, federal expenditures on laboratory equipment, textbooks and flash cards continue to go up and up each year."

Pointing to a chart of world standings in various educational subjects, Witherspoon noted: "The U.S. has consistently ranked in the top 20th percentile among industrialized nations in the test scores of third- through eighth-graders in both math and science. The sensible path for Congress to take is clear: Slash the budget."

Continued Witherspoon: "We'll never actually use any of that stuff in the real world anyway."

When asked where funds currently going toward math and science education might be better spent, CCMS associate director Kimberly Neesin, 10, suggested field trips.

"Shocking as it may be, our nation's students barely get to go on two field trips a year," Neesin said. "This leaves them woefully ill-prepared to enter a world in which they will frequently find themselves taking trips. Adults don't sit behind desks all day listening to boring teachers—they get in vehicles and go places. How else will kids learn how to do this than by taking field trips?"

Neesin also recommended an increase in gym-class funding.

"While we are wasting our precious time memorizing multiplication tables and learning the parts of a flower," Neesin said, "a Norwegian child is gaining vital physical-education skills that will prepare him for a productive career in dodgeball the day he leaves high school."

Reaction to the CCMS agenda has been mixed. While the group has been praised by Burger King Kids' Club officials, many education leaders are dismayed by its call for math and science cuts.

"Math and science are essential subjects, crucial to children's understanding of the world and their place within it," said Dr. Wilson Hanratty of the National Science Foundation. "The government would reduce funding for these crucial subjects at its own peril—and that of the nation."

Responding to Hanratty's remarks, Neesin said: "Nuh-uhhhhh!"