Olympic Bronze Medalist To Appear In Flintstones On Ice

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Issue 3601

Bathroom-Disinfectant Ad Reinforces Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

WENATCHEE, WA–A TV commercial for Lysol Bathroom Disinfectant Spray sent OCD sufferer Janine Whittaker plunging even deeper into the disorder Monday. "Germs... germs everywhere," said Whittaker, furiously scrubbing her bathroom's new, already-gleaming shower tile with an industrial-strength ammonia-based cleanser after viewing the Lysol ad. "That commercial is right: Invisible germs and mildew lurk everywhere–in the tub, on the toilet, on the countertops, and in those hard-to-reach spots under the sink." Whittaker was hospitalized in March 1999 after watching a 30-second spot for Palmolive Anti-Bacterial Dishwashing Liquid.

Goddamn Ficus Plant Should Come With Instructions

ALBUQUERQUE, NM–According to area resident Howard Braddock, 44, the goddamn ficus plant in the sun room ought to come with some basic fucking instructions as to what to give it and when. "I'm either overwatering it or underwatering it," said Braddock of the dying plant. "But unless I get myself either an owner's manual or a Ph.D in botany, I may as well just flip a friggin' coin." Braddock further noted that whatever the hell's wrong, three leaves fall off every time he even so much as breathes on the damn thing.

AOL Acquires Time-Warner In Largest-Ever Expenditure Of Pretend Internet Money

DULLES, VA–In the largest merger of imaginary assets in corporate history, Internet giant America Online last week acquired media megacorp Time-Warner for an unprecedented $161 billion in pretend money. "This merger will revolutionize the way invisible amounts of non-existent cash are transferred," said Steve Case of AOL, a company whose actual revenues are a tiny fraction of its make-believe valuation. In an effort to keep pace with AOL, website blairwitchproject.com is expected to acquire General Motors sometime later this week.

I Believe I Shall Destroy The Stock Market Again

Yesterday, I was listening to Beavers, my aide-de-camp and advisor in matters financial, narrate the financial abstract of my vast personal fortune when he mentioned in passing that I was doing quite well in the Stock-Market. This was, of course, no real news to me, as my stock position has always been top-drawer; decent market holdings are necessary both to balance one's cash position and to leaven one's investments in real estate, Swiss gold, and the slave-trade of Far Araby.

I Have Nothing To Say To You, Helen

You went too far, Helen. You really crossed the line this time. If you think that I am going to waste my time trying to explain to you why what you did is wrong, well, then you have another thing coming. So let's just forget all about it. Let's drop the subject altogether. I have nothing to say to you, Helen.

Millennium Actually Starts In 2001, Terrorists Note

DAMASCUS, SYRIA–With the world breathing a collective sigh of relief following the violence-free passage into the year 2000, an international coalition of terrorists issued a reminder Monday that the new millennium does not actually begin until Jan. 1, 2001. "Technically speaking, we are now in the last year of the 20th century," said Mahmoud al-Habib, a spokesperson for the terrorist organization Hamas. "Since there was no year zero, next New Year's Eve is the real time to detonate bombs in Times Square and blow commercial airliners out of the sky." Speaking from a secret bunker in the Kashmir hills, Osama bin Laden agreed. "We were all set to blow up the Eiffel Tower," bin Laden said, "when one of my suicide bombers pointed out that it should actually be done next Jan. 1, not this one. I suppose we'll just have to wait."

Important Christmas Lessons Already Forgotten

HARTFORD, CT–As the nation moves on from last month's family gatherings, churchgoing, and goodwill toward men, the annual post-Christmas readjustment process is proceeding on schedule, with millions of Americans forgoing their temporary generosity of spirit and resuming their petty, miserable treatment of one another.

The Influenza Outbreak

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention are reporting a record outbreak of illness as the flu sweeps the country. What are the effects of the recent epidemic?
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Olympic Bronze Medalist To Appear In Flintstones On Ice

DETROIT–Kristin Hammond, figure-skating bronze medalist at the 1998 Nagano Winter Olympics, will once again dazzle skating fans in Flintstones On Ice, playing at Detroit's Joe Louis Arena twice daily through Jan. 30. "When I started skating at age five, I knew I wanted to be in the spotlight," said Hammond, who will play the role of Bedrock resident Betty Rubble in the ice-based production of the Hanna-Barbera cartoon. "After so many years of hard work, in a way, my dreams came more or less true, I guess." Following the touring show's 20-city run, Hammond is slated to appear in an advertisement for a heating-and-cooling repair service in her hometown of Edina, MN.