Area Man Consults Internet Whenever Possible

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Issue 3602

Movie Fails To Deliver Stupidity Promised in Preview

HERMOSA BEACH, CA–A weekend trip to the movies ended in disappointment Saturday, when the new Paramount Pictures comedy Don't Be Cruel failed to deliver the stupidity promised in its preview. "In the commercial, the main guy gets attacked by a chihuahua, hit in the face with a rake, and electrocuted by a toaster, so I thought it was gonna be really stupid," disillusioned moviegoer Vincent Curtis, 20, said. "But then, in the actual movie, there's only like 10 minutes of that kind of retarded stuff." Fellow moviegoer Bobby Williams, 21, agreed. "They totally just put those dumb scenes in the trailer to get you to see the movie, but then when you see it, it's all about how hard it is to find love and stuff," Williams said. "Who wants to see that?" Williams added that it's such total bullshit how they do that.

Area Supervisor Hates To Break Up Little Party

ARLINGTON, TX–With profound regret, departmental supervisor Peter Dunckel forced an informal gathering to disband at Arlington Printing & Design Monday. "I really do hate to break up this little party you've got going here," Dunckel said, "but break's been over for seven minutes. So if you could please get back to your respective workspaces, I'd really appreciate it." It was the seventh such party Dunckel has hated to break up in the past four weeks.

'Greatest Story Ever Told' Has Gimmicky Deus Ex Machina Ending

NEW HAVEN, CT–According to a Yale University literature professor, the tale of Christ's life–the so-called "Greatest Story Ever Told"–is saddled by a lazy, formulaic deus ex machina conclusion. "Talk about slapping on a happy Hollywood ending," Dr. Donald Schmidt said. "The Christ character gets nailed to the cross and dies, and the story seems to end on a complex and tragic note. But then, completely out of nowhere, this magical being comes down from out of the sky and resurrects Him, and all is well. Are we seriously supposed to fall for that? Please." Schmidt said the story's publisher probably forced its author to change the "down" ending out of fear of alienating readers.

Confederate-Flag Controversy

On Jan. 17, more than 47,000 people marched on South Carolina's Statehouse to protest the flying of the Confederate flag over the capitol dome. What do you think about the presence of what many consider an emblem of slavery?

Ask The Cheat Guide To BloodLair

The Cheat Guide To BloodLair is a nationally syndicated advice columnist whose column, Ask The Cheat Guide To BloodLair, appears in more than 250 newspapers.

Son Of Zweibel Strikes Again

Yesterday morning, Standish brought a letter from my fiancée, Miss Bernadette Fiske. I was so excited to get it, I pissed my swaddling-wraps clean through to the bed-sheets. "Do tell me that Miss Fiske is finally coming to the estate, Standish, and with my baby son in tow!" I cried. "How my heart aches for them so!"
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Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

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Small Business

Area Man Consults Internet Whenever Possible

COLUMBUS, OH–Larry Wisniewski, a 36-year-old Columbus-area office manager, turns to the Internet for information whenever humanly possible.

Internet enthusiast Larry Wisniewski.

"Are you trying to find out what time Angela's Ashes is playing at Crosswoods Marcus Cinema?" Wisniewski asked his wife Pamela, noticing her looking through The Columbus Dispatch's movie listings. "I can log on to the Dispatch's web site and check it in a flash."

"Now that my household is hooked up to the Internet, nothing is out of reach," Wisniewski said. "With the click of a mouse, anything we could want to know is available–even stuff that's otherwise only available in print."

Wisniewski's fervor for consulting the Internet has not gone unnoticed by his wife.

"I was on the phone getting directions to a restaurant we were going out to," Pamela said, "when Larry started yelling, 'No, no, don't ask! I'll find it!' So he opens up mapquest.com, enters our address and the restaurant's, and within 10 minutes, he had complete door-to-door directions printed out."

"That's right," Larry said. "And she wanted to get a pen and write down the directions by hand."

The Internet came in equally handy last Sunday, when Pamela suggested making pancakes for breakfast. "There was a good recipe on the side of the Bisquick box, but Larry insisted on getting on that AltaVista thing and searching for more," Pamela said.

After only 30 minutes of searching, Wisniewski came up with nearly 200 different pancake recipes. "Without the Internet," Larry said, "she would've been stuck with the one variety of pancakes available from the box."

"Let's face it," he added, "Bisquick boxes are a dead medium."

Larry has used the Internet to assist friends, as well. "Last week, we had a houseguest who was wondering if there were any Jesuit colleges in Ohio," Wisniewski said. "All I had to do was open up my AOL software, enter my password, point the browser to www.yahoo.com, and click on Society & Culture, followed by Religion & Spirituality. From there, I had only to click Faiths & Practices, then Christianity, then Denominations & Sects, and then Catholic. Then I simply clicked on Orders, Jesuits, Colleges & Universities, Ohio, and boom, right there in front of me are Xavier University in Cincinnati and John Carroll University in Cleveland."

Wisniewski's friends, for their part, are impressed by his technological savvy and access to limitless global databases. "I feel like such a caveman for looking up phone numbers in a phone book," neighbor Steve Lindblad said. "All those pages and that ink–it's so embarrassing."

For all of Wisniewski's success in surfing for online info, he said Pamela is "still getting the hang" of the Internet and its power. "Pam is always asking stuff like, 'Why don't we just look the word up in our old-fashioned dictionary?'" Wisniewski said. "The answer, of course, is simple: because we don't have to."

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