Local Prostitutes Eagerly Await Dentists' Convention

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Issue 3603

Office Politician Runs For Coffee

DENVER–In a move his critics are decrying as "a bald-faced ploy to get in good with the secretarial pool," Conroy Plastics & Polymers office politician John Mancuso announced Monday his intention to run for coffee. "Okay, coffee time... who's up for a little hot java?" asked Mancuso during a 10 a.m. breakroom speech. "Make a list, and I'd be happy to swing by Starbucks and pick it up." Upon learning that he would be picking up 14 cups, Mancuso named co-worker Andrew Sveum his running mate.

Local Homemaker Fights To Overcome Rubbermaid™ Addiction

ELGIN, IL–Members of the Schiller family reported Monday that homemaker Caryn Schiller, 43, is struggling with a severe Rubbermaid™ addiction. "We scheduled a family intervention after she bought a 1.2-quart "EZ-Topps™" Rectangle for potato-chip storage," husband Frank Schiller said. "She broke down and admitted she has a problem. It's in God's hands now." In 1999, Schiller spent more than $1,400 supporting her Rubbermaid™ habit.

Coworker Obsessively Checks E-Mail Every Couple Of Minutes

ARLINGTON, TX–According to adjacent-cubicle sources, Midwest Insurance employee Benjamin Vance checks his e-mail every two minutes. "That little 'ping' noise is driving me up the friggin' wall," co-worker Irene Snow said. "It's like this sick obsession with him. Does he have nothing else to do but check e-mail all day long? It's not like he ever gets any, either. He just has to constantly check." Added Snow: "Jesus."

Roommate's Boyfriend Drinking Yet Another Can Of Soda

SANTA CRUZ, CA–According to University of California–Santa Cruz sophomore Jessica Lenzi, the new boyfriend of roommate Andrea Bloch is drinking yet another can of soda from the fridge. "Does he, like, think those are communal sodas or something? Because they're not." Lenzi said. "Just because soda doesn't cost a lot of money doesn't mean it's free." Lenzi said that if that guy takes one more soda from the fridge, she swears she's going to say something.

World Writing Federation

WWF stars Mankind and The Rock had bestselling bios in 1999, and volumes by Goldberg and other pro wrestlers are on the way. Why are these books so popular?

X-Files Fan Killed For Knowing Too Much

EUGENE, OR–Mounting evidence in the murder case of Roy Bannister, the 27-year-old X-Files fan whose body was found beaten beyond recognition in his home Sunday, strongly suggests that he was killed for "knowing too much" about the long-running Fox series, investigators said Tuesday.

Elizabeth Taylor Watches Cleopatra Alone In Dark

LOS ANGELES–Sitting alone in a darkened screening room in her secluded mansion atop the Hollywood Hills, actress Elizabeth Taylor watched Cleopatra, the 1963 epic starring herself and Richard Burton. "I was the greatest of them all," said Taylor, gazing upon her younger self as the queen of the Nile. "In one week, I received 17,000 fan letters. Men bribed my hairdresser to get a lock of my hair. There was a maharajah who came all the way from India to beg one of my silk stockings. Later he strangled himself with it!" After she finished watching the film, Taylor informed its director, Joseph Mankiewicz, who died in 1993, that she was ready for her close-up.

Report: Rich Consistently Outearning Poor

WORCESTER, MA–A study released Monday by the Institute For Statistical-Data Quantification brings to light "disturbing" new findings regarding the distribution of wealth in America, asserting that "a real, demonstrable economic gap exists between the nation's upper class and lower class, with the monied elite enjoying significantly greater overall wealth than their poorer counterparts."

New Hampshire Returns To Obscurity

CONCORD, NH–After a brief stint in the national spotlight, the Granite State returned to its usual state of obscurity Tuesday following the conclusion of the New Hampshire presidential primaries. "Thank you for being here to document our quadrennial week of national prominence and attention," New Hampshire Gov. Jeanne Shaheen shouted to departing TV and newspaper reporters. "We look forward to your return in January 2004." Shaheen then returned to the governor's mansion to begin work on her keynote address for the Merrimack Maple Festival, scheduled for Nov. 11-14.

The Importance Of The Vote

It has been brought to my attention that I should advise my tallow-headed readership on the importance of occupying the voting-stalls in the coming months. Well, God damn you, by all means, do so! See if it changes your paltry lives in the slightest to send Harding packing back to his richly opiated Irish mistress! Put some straw-hatted prince of the moving-daguerreotypes in the White House! Repeat the follies of the past! Elect a dray-horse again, for all I care!
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Special Coverage



Local Prostitutes Eagerly Await Dentists' Convention

LAS VEGAS–With the New Jersey Dental Association's annual convention less than one week away, excitement is building among the city's prostitutes.

Two of the countless Las Vegas prostitutes gearing up for next week's dentists' convention.

The four-day event, which will bring some 1,500 New Jersey dentist-johns to the Las Vegas MGM Grand Hotel, is expected to pump an estimated $75,000 into the local streetwalking economy.

"This is the big one," pimp Marlon "The Pearl" Evans said. "We don't see this kind of action from anyone else all year–the electronics-industry convention, the auto show, insurance seminars, no one. The average car dealer or pet-store owner in town for a convention might treat himself to a piece if he thinks he can spare it, but he doesn't have what we in the business call 'dentist money.'"

"The dentists' convention is where we pull out all the stops," said Lucy Calhoun, owner of Juicy Lucy's, a popular Vegas-area brothel. "The average dentist has an unusual combination of cash and low self-esteem that makes him an ideal customer."

Across the city, prostitution-sector employees are scrambling to make last-minute preparations for the anticipated rush. Madams are breaking in new girls, pimps are setting out extra strings of whores, and bordellos are putting up partitions in the pool rooms and throwing extra mattresses on the billiard tables. Most prostitutes will pull longer shifts beginning Wednesday in preparation for an expected 200 percent increase in tricks.

"I'm definitely going to have to put in some overtime when those dentists hit town," area hooker Candi Walters said. "I swear, when those guys were here last year, my feet hardly touched the floor for about four days straight."

Prostitutes have long known that the average dentist, while earning almost $60,000 per year, is not generally respected by the public at large. Neither an admired craftsman nor a full-fledged member of the medical community, the dentist, more than anyone short of the chiropractor, uses conventions as an opportunity to purchase emotional gratification in the form of sex.

Prostitution clients Bill Kreutz and Gary Janush pose for a photo during last year's New Jersey Dental Association convention.

If previous years' figures hold true to form, Las Vegas prostitutes can expect to serve an average of 15 dentists per day during the four-day convention. And while some dentists may request special treatment–such as bondage, menage a trois, or unusually young girls–sex-trade insiders say a majority of services rendered will likely consist of half-hour sessions of conventional, one-on-one, missionary-position intercourse.

"It's strange, really," said Cherry Caldwell, who will be working her seventh NJDA convention. "Most guys want something a little kinky when they come to Vegas–something they can't get from their wives or girlfriends. But not the dentists. It's almost as if it's enough for them just to have sex with a girl."

"All in all, the dentists tend to be a pretty conservative bunch," prostitute Sapphire Jones said. "A lot of them do like to talk dirty, though. They'll say stuff like, 'I'm gonna drill a few holes,' or 'This won't hurt a bit, baby.' And when you suck them off and they come, they love to tell you to spit."

"They really respond to Las Vegas' unique energy," said MGM Grand hospitality director Patrick Worthington. "There's just something about this town's $3 all-you-can-eat prime-rib specials, cheap drinks, and easy, 24-hour access to a wide variety of prostitutes that just says 'dentist.'"

The NJDA dentists agreed. "Look out, Vegas," said convention organizer and Mahwah, NJ, orthodontist Harold Stemmer. "The dentists are coming to town to fill a few cavities, if you know what I mean, and there are some lucky girls out there who are going to be a few dollars richer if they play their cards right."