Regulation Spitefully Obeyed To The Letter

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Issue 3604

Compliment Suspiciously Vague

ST. CHARLES, MO–According to area secretary Iris Sheehan, co-worker Ellen Higgins' compliment of her new hairstyle was suspiciously vague. "I asked Ellen how she liked my new 'do, and she said it was 'really something.' What the heck does that mean?" Sheehan said. "When I asked her to explain, she said, 'It just suits you really well.'" Sheehan said she has not been this upset over a vague compliment since May 1999, when a friend described her singing voice as "very energetic."

Sole Survivor Of Air Crash Has Asia's 'Sole Survivor' Stuck In Head

PORT HUENEME, CA–Ronald DeGaetano, sole survivor of the Jan. 31 Alaska Airlines crash that claimed 88 lives, has had the 1982 Asia song "Sole Survivor" stuck in his head ever since. "Goddamn it, I can't get that stupid thing out of my head," DeGaetano said. "After the plane went down, I was floating out there in the Pacific, thinking about how I was the sole survivor, and for some reason, that song popped into my head. Now I can't get it out, and it's driving me friggin' nuts." DeGaetano said that if he does not shake the song soon, he is going to "start wishing I hadn't been the sole survivor."

Police Seek Suspect In Series Of Random Later Hostings

BURBANK, CA–The Burbank Police Department is on the trail of an unnamed NBC executive believed to be responsible for a string of random Later hostings dating back to April 1996, it was reported Monday. "This brutal, senseless parade of C-list celebrities in the host's chair must end," police chief Dennis Showalter said. "We will do everything in our power to bring to justice the fiend responsible for the countless painfully awkward interviews perpetrated by the low-wattage likes of Peri Gilpin, Jerry O'Connell, and Rita Sever."

Dental Hygienist Angered By Lack Of Flossing

SCOTTSDALE, AZ–Dental hygienist Bernadette Gable was angered Tuesday by patient Richard Tepfer's failure to floss regularly. "Just look at all this plaque build-up," said Gable, scolding Tepfer during his annual teeth-cleaning. "I explicitly told you last time you were here to floss at least once a day. Why would you just ignore my instructions?" The outraged Gable then pointed toward a poster of a grotesque, bloody mouth ravaged by gum disease, asking Tepfer if he wanted to look like that someday.

Grandma Still Swallowing Okay, Grandpa Reports

BOCA RATON, FL–In an encouraging report issued Monday by Grandpa, Grandma is still swallowing okay. "Yes, Grandma is getting her food down fine," Grandpa said. "She was having a little trouble a few weeks back–especially with the turkey breast, and sometimes even with her stewed prunes, which usually give her no difficulty at all–but things are much better now." Despite the improvement, Grandpa said he "won't take any more chances" with pot roast.

Alan Keyes Admits: 'I Just Enjoy Campaigning'

AIKEN, SC–Following a speech Monday at the Rotary Club of Aiken, two-time Republican presidential candidate Alan Keyes admitted that he "just enjoy[s] campaigning." Said Keyes, a distant fourth-place finisher in the Feb. 1 New Hampshire primary: "It's a lot of fun. You get to fly around on airplanes, meet lots of nice people, and make speeches at big, fancy podiums. And sometimes, a reporter comes, and they put your picture in the paper. I only wish I could do it more than once every four years." Keyes, who has previously lost two U.S. Senate races, as well as the 1996 Republican presidential bid, added that "having your own bumper sticker is really neat."
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Regulation Spitefully Obeyed To The Letter

GARLAND, TX–A regulation at a local Softee Loaf bread factory was spitefully obeyed to the letter Tuesday, when assembly-line employee Derek Giels, 48, acted in full accordance with stupid company regulations and dutifully submitted his eighth goddamn "Notification Of Lost Or Damaged Materials" form.

Derek Giels operates a piece of heavy machinery at the Softee Loaf factory in Garland, TX.

"That stinking machine chews up one of them rolls of plastic 10 times a day," said Giels, driving his blue ballpoint pen hard into triplicate form AX-434. "But if they want me to stop and fill out a form every time it happens, damn it, I'm gonna do it."

Giels' full, bitter compliance followed a mandatory 7:45 a.m. all-shift meeting, at which he and 78 other Softee Loaf workers were reprimanded for not providing proper notification of missing packaging materials. Supervisors warned that in the future, anything not promptly accounted for will be considered mishandled or stolen, and responsible parties will have the losses noted in their permanent files.

"I'll give them the proper notice," said Giels, addressing three envelopes for each of the triplicate forms, to be routed to the supervisor's office through intra-building mail. "Here's your friggin' proper notice."

Giels obediently completed the entire form, making sure to include his full name, employee number, department name, and supervisor's name, along with a brief description of the incident and the time at which it occurred.

"Stupid, lousy form," muttered Giels, writing down the precise time of the incident, down to the second. "I'll give 'em exactly what they want."

In the past, Softee Loaf employees only filled out a report if the lost or damaged item was of significant value. But after the meeting–which put the entire shift 20 minutes behind schedule and forced most employees to miss their first break to get the morning trucks loaded on time–Giels vowed that, in the future, he would fill out a Notification Of Lost Or Damaged Materials form for "everything down to a thumbtack."

In addition to filling out a form for the damaged plastic roll, Giels reported a 10:17 a.m. machine failure directly to his supervisor, acting in full compliance with directives given in the Softee Loaf employee manual. Rather than reset the machine himself, which he usually does several times a day, Giels left the work floor and spent 20 minutes locating his shift supervisor to get approval to restart the line.

"Sure, I could've restarted that machine myself," Giels said. "But I'm not gonna do that if that's not what they want me to do. I'm gonna be a good employee and follow proper company policies and procedures. We have these stupid, goddamn, idiotic rules for a reason, you know."