Comedian Confesses To Killing Them Out There

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CNN Headline News Reporter Unafraid To Face The Cold, Hard Factoids

ATLANTA–In an interview in the March issue of Brill's Content, CNN Headline News anchor Lynne Russell described herself as "committed to reporting the cold, hard factoids, no matter what the cost." In the candid interview, Russell is quoted as saying, "Americans eat 850 million pounds of cranberry sauce each Thanksgiving. You may not want to hear that, but it's an undeniable factoid, and I am going to report it." Russell came under fire last year for a controversial report alleging that the average pair of shoes is worn for 14 months.

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BURBANK, CA–Alex Trebek, host of the popular quiz show Jeopardy, deftly prolonged a mid-show chat with contestant Paula Riel into an agonizing 45 seconds Monday. "So, do you meet many interesting or famous people in your job?" Trebek asked Riel, a 33-year-old Norwalk, CT, flight attendant, during the informal "meet the contestants" portion of the broadcast. Upon hearing that Riel had once served a Diet Coke to actor Jeff Daniels, Trebek responded, "He's a very talented actor, although I understand that his latest film was not such a big hit. That's very unfortunate for him." Riel responded by nodding in a non-committal manner.

Local Welder Suffering From Welder's Block

EASTON, PA–Area welder Bruce Meacham admitted Monday that he is suffering from a severe case of welder's block. "I know what I want to do," Meacham said. "I need to get this supporting strut attached to the main body of this girder. But I keep running into a wall every time I sit down and try to actually weld." Meacham said he spent the better part of last Saturday putting on his goggles, starting up his acetylene torch, and then merely staring at the two pieces of metal for hours. "You've got to understand, welding is a creative act," Meacham said. "It's not the kind of thing where you can just punch the clock and do it from nine to five."

Hillary's Last Name Dropped From Senate Race

ONEONTA, NY–Ending weeks of speculation, Hillary Clinton's campaign manager confirmed Monday that the Democratic candidate is dropping her last name from the New York Senate race. "After much consideration, Hillary has decided that she can run a leaner, more effective campaign with just her first name," Howard Wolfson announced at a rally in Oneonta. "We thank all of Hillary's supporters, and all the citizens of the great state of New York, for standing by her on her road to becoming 'Senator Hillary.'" Hillary is married to politician Bill Clinton.
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Healthy Living

Comedian Confesses To Killing Them Out There

ROYAL OAK, MI–Stand-up comedian Tony Campanelli confessed Monday to the Feb. 26 killing of 180 comedy-club patrons during a performance at Crack-Ups in Royal Oak.

Police tape stretches across the stage where Tony Campanelli slayed 180 comedy-club patrons.

"Man, I killed 'em," the 33-year-old Campanelli told Royal Oak police interrogators. "You shoulda seen them rolling out there. I really knocked 'em dead."

Among Campanelli's victims were seven employees of Johnson Control Auto Parts, a bachelorette party consisting of 12 Dearborn women, and 20 members of a University of Michigan fraternity. All were absolutely slain.

Police arriving on the scene minutes after the killing found the club's showroom a mess of split sides, busted guts, and three or four blown minds. Campanelli was arrested an hour later at a nearby Denny's restaurant, where he was discussing the show with emcee Mike Berman, who may have acted as an accomplice by "setting up" the crowd for Campanelli's performance.

Forensic investigators say Campanelli repeatedly hit the audience with his best stuff throughout his 25-minute killer set, unleashing a deadly arsenal which included "extremely sharp observations about the differences between men and women" and several barbed quips questioning the deal with bad toupees.

"From the bit about The Clapper to the whole 'What if Captain Kirk were ordering from Jack Nicholson at McDonald's?' thing, they never had a chance," comedy-forensics expert Jim Edmonds said. "He really brought out all the big guns."

Comedian Tony Campanelli

Weapons found at the scene included a battery-powered bullhorn and a large photograph of President Clinton with the mouth cut out.

It is believed to be the worst comedy killing since 1996, when 67 patrons of The Giggle Hut in Kansas City were slain by noted prop-comic "Party" Marty Schiafo. Another 141 people were killed when the incident spread to local streets, escalating into a full-scale laugh riot.

Though details of the incident are still emerging, a taped 911 call reveals a panicked audience member desperately shouting, "Oh, my God, I can't breathe!"

Survivor Stephanie Bogen, a 22-year-old Southfield paralegal, described the comedy carnage.

"It was horrible," Bogen said. "[Campanelli] was mercilessly spraying the place with one-liners. All around me, people were falling out of their chairs. When he did the bit about Michael Jackson as Dirty Harry, I thought I was done for."

According to Royal Oak police chief Tom Pryor, the killing may well have been a "copycat" crime.

"Not only is his methodology and psychological profile extremely similar to that of fellow stand-up Bobby Greenfield," Pryor said, "his Mike Tyson-on-Gilligan's Island bit is pretty much exactly the same."

"There's still a lot more to be learned about Campanelli, but we do know that his basic profile is that of a drifter, traveling from city to city, having one-night stands with a string of audiences," Pryor continued. "We also know that he has a history of mental problems, having spent a weekend in May 1996 at The Funny Farm in Stockton, CA."

Speaking to reporters from his Macomb County Jailhouse cell, Campanelli expressed no remorse for his deadly act.

"Yeah, I killed them," Campanelli said. "And I'll do it again. Friday night at the Laff Factory in Livonia at 8:30 and 11, opening for Tommy Chong."