Area Man Only Reads Books About Movies, TV, Music

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Issue 3612

Kitchen Staff Warned Not To Make Fun Of Regional Manager

TRAVERSE CITY, MI–Shift manager Dennis Brandt issued a stern warning to his Bennigan's crew Monday not to make fun of visiting regional manager Gary Wallace. "I'm telling you right up front that Gary has a bit of a weight problem," Brandt told the staff. "So if I see anyone giggling or making fun of him in any way whatsoever, there will be consequences. Got it? Because if he catches any of you laughing, it's me he's gonna go after, not you." The staff has previously received stern warnings not to make fun of the woman with the limp who frequently eats there and the man with the scar who delivers the Coke syrup.

Clinton Fumbles With Submarine Controls; 'Everything's In German!' He Shouts

SOMEWHERE IN THE NORTH SEA–His hand-picked mob of go-to-hell leathernecks counting on him for their very survival, President Clinton tried frantically Monday to make sense of the German-labeled controls of captured Nazi Kreigsmarine Unterseeboot 639. "I can't make head or tail of this Kraut malarkey!" Clinton told mortally wounded Seaman First Class Bruce Cohen, the plucky kid from Brooklyn who heroically fended off Stuka dive-bombers with the deck gun. "We've got to blow the tanks and dive now! Now! What the hell is 'BALLASZTWASSER'?" It is believed to be the most gripping moment of the Clinton presidency since April 1998, when he told unconscious HHS Secretary Donna Shalala, "You've never given up on anything in your life, you bitch, now fight! Fight!"

Man Carefully Selects T-Shirt For Night Out

WILMINGTON, NC–After nearly half an hour of trying on different T-shirts, Wilmington resident Larry Goltz finally settled on a black Peterbilt Trucks shirt for a night on the town Saturday. "I was going to wear my Blockbuster Video T-shirt, but it's white, and I wanted something a little nicer for a Saturday night. Plus, I wore that one when we went bowling Tuesday," Goltz said. "I was also thinking about my plain red one, but for some reason, I was in the mood to wear something with writing on it. And I like the way the Peterbilt logo on the chest draws attention away from my belly." Goltz said he is "99 percent sure" he made the right choice.

Last Month Apparently Women's History Month

ATLANTA–According to an ad in a March issue of Bon Appetit magazine lying around dermatologist Dr. Ira Haas' waiting room, March was, apparently, Women's History Month. "I had no idea," said Gail Travis, who happened to come across the ad, which read, "Join Almay In Celebrating Women's History Month," while waiting to see Haas. "That's the first I'd heard of it. Oh, well, guess I missed it." People across the nation are equally surprised. "Are you sure? I thought it was Black History Month," said Timothy Durkee of Wayzata, MN. "Or maybe that was February." Liz Unger, CEO of Almay Cosmetics and co-chair of the Women's History Month Project, described the month-long celebration of "women's remarkable contributions through the ages" as an "unqualified success."


I hope you are all sitting down, because I have some-thing terrible to impart. No, the President was not assassinated. If only that were the case! The news is far, far sadder. But first, I will string you along with some largely unnecessary details presented in a rambling, discursive manner, so as to build suspense and fulfill my word quota.

I Can't Believe I Missed The Oscars!

What sort of entertainment journalist am I? I was all psyched for the Oscars this year, as I am every year. Would Gwenth Paltrow look slim? Would Tom Hanks be sporting his madman beard? Who would take away the Best Adapted Screenplay award? I couldn't wait to find out!

U.S. Population At 13,462

WASHINGTON, DC–With the April 1 deadline for returning Census 2000 forms finally passed, the Bureau of the Census announced Monday that the U.S. population stands at 13,462.

USA Today Redesign

For the first time in its history, USA Today is undergoing a major redesign. What are some of the changes in store for readers?

Sometimes I Wish My Legs Had Never Been Crushed By That Train

Most of the time, I'm pretty happy with my life. I've got a nice apartment, a few really good friends, and a good job. That's more than a lot of people have, right? Still, every now and then, I can't help but find myself wishing my legs had never been crushed by that train.

Attempt To Impress Becky Lundegaard Undermined By Interloper

HAMPTON, VA–An attempt by Brian Shuman, 12, to impress fellow seventh-grader Becky Lundegaard, 13, met with spectacular failure Monday, when his school supplies and shoulder bag were forcibly seized, his sweater vest yanked over his head, and his face pressed into a row of lockers, witnesses reported.
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Area Man Only Reads Books About Movies, TV, Music

GLENDALE, AZ–When Matt Kaiser gets tired of watching movies or TV, or listening to music, there's nothing he likes better than to curl up in his favorite chair and escape into a good book about movies, TV, or music.

Matt Kaiser and some of his many books.

"You can only watch TV for so long," Kaiser said. "After a while, you need something a little more mentally stimulating. That's when I like to crack open one of my favorite books about TV, like The Nitpickers Guide To Star Trek or The Real Real World. Or, if I'm tired of television altogether, I'll read up on the making of Titanic or flip through one of my many video or music guides. It's a relaxing and contemplative time for me."

Added Kaiser: "I just don't understand people who don't like books."

Kaiser, 26, an information-technologies administrator with Datco Industries in Phoenix, has been reading about movies, TV, and music ever since he was a child.

"My love affair with books began when I was eight," Kaiser said. "For my birthday, my parents gave me a novelization of a Diff'rent Strokes episode, and from that moment on, I was hooked."

Today, Kaiser calls himself "a confirmed bibliophile," and his apartment shows it: Tucked in amongst his stereo, DVD player, VCR, and three TVs are literally hundreds of books about movies, TV, and music–everything from The Brady Bible to 'Scuse Me While I Kiss This Guy (And Other Misheard Lyrics).

"I used to read a lot more magazines," Kaiser said, "but once you've read a good book, magazines don't quite cut it. I like Entertainment Weekly and Rolling Stone as much as the next guy, but they just don't have the depth of, say, Entertainment Weekly's 1999 Year In Movies or The Rolling Stone Record Guide."

Kaiser credits his reading habit with making him a more well-rounded person.

"I can't imagine that anyone with a basic appreciation of culture wouldn't enjoy educating themselves on, say, the history of The Ed Sullivan Show or the art of the Star Wars movies," Kaiser said. "I recently read There Are Places I'll Remember, a great photo book of locations from Beatles songs accompanied by the original lyrics. And that, in turn, has kindled my interest in other Beatles photo books. That's how you discover new things."

"I'll always treasure the gift of reading," said Kaiser, who is currently reading Come As You Are: The Story Of Nirvana. "Books can transport the reader to magical places inside the world of other forms of media."