Local Hipster Over-Explaining Why He Was At The Mall

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Issue 3617

Cashier Allows Line-Cutting To Go Unpunished

CHANDLER, AZ–Cashier Wendy Kile, 20, allowed a blatant case of line-cutting to go unpunished Monday at the Billings Road Safeway. "I was waiting in line when this smart-aleck teen walked right in front of me," said shopper Ida Sims, 43. "I complained to the check-out girl, but she just said, 'I honestly don't care who I take next.' What kind of answer is that?" If Safeway authorities do not punish Kile for failing to preserve the integrity of her line, Sims said she will gladly take her business to the IGA on Brook Street.

Congress Votes To Intervene In Local Wedding

WASHINGTON, DC–The U.S. Senate voted 64-30 Monday to obstruct next Sunday's marriage of Phoenix's Todd Wexler and Marisa Park. "It is clear to this legislative body that Mr. Wexler is a total jerk," said Sen. Wayne Allard (R-CO) following Monday's vote. "Miss Park can do a lot better." Federal agents will be posted outside the wedding chapel with orders to step in if any vow-taking occurs.

Man Paid More Than Enough To Put Up With This Shit

NEW YORK–Porter Novelli public-relations executive Randy Schad, who works directly under megalomaniacal bastard Rich Frankel, is earning more than enough to put up with Frankel's unbelievable shit, the 25-year-old reported Monday. "Normally, I'm not the type of person who'd put up with the kind of shit I take daily from Mr. Frankel," Schad said, "but my six-figure salary and unbelievable benefits package more than make up for it." Schad said he'll probably only have to put up with Frankel's shit for another year or two, at which point he will receive a promotion and be able to dish out some shit of his own.

Civil Unrest In Sierra Leone Concerns NPR Listener

HANOVER, NH–A National Public Radio report on a rebel insurrection in the West African nation of Sierra Leone deeply concerned Hanover-area listener Jim Ellenson Monday. "Apparently, the Sankoh-led Revolutionary United Front rebels are rapidly advancing on Freetown," said Ellenson, listening to NPR while leafing through the latest issue of The Nation. "Hopefully, the U.N. peacekeepers will be able to limit the movement of the RUF in the interior near Masiaka." Ellenson said he plans to stay tuned to NPR for the latest on the crisis.

Diet Candy's Aftertaste Experienced 12 Years Later

PIKESVILLE, MD–The aftertaste of a sugar-free, strawberry-flavored hard candy eaten by Stephanie Wickes in 1988 was detected Monday by the 38-year-old Pikesville resident. "I was on my way to pick up the kids from school when, out of nowhere, I suddenly got this really nasty taste in my mouth," Wickes said. "For the longest time, I couldn't place it. But then I finally remembered: It was that gross diet candy that Annette Brinkworth, this woman I worked with about 12 years ago, offered me once." Wickes said she was pretty sure Brinkworth got the candy from her dentist.

The Friends Stand-Off

The six Friends starts are threatening to quit he show if each does not receive $1 million per episode. What else are they demanding?
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Local Hipster Over-Explaining Why He Was At The Mall

LOUISVILLE, KY–Anders Larsen, known within Louisville hipster circles as the bassist for Superfly Snuka and a contributing music reviewer for the underground 'zine Gun Shy, spent several hours Monday over-explaining why he was at Jefferson Mall over the weekend.

Louisville hipster Anders Larsen, who was at Jefferson Mall last Saturday.

"You know I normally wouldn't be caught dead in some corporate suburban hellhole like that," the 24-year-old Larsen told friends at Jack's Wax, an independent record store he frequents. "But I was out near Jefferson Mall because I had to get a new air filter for my car, and they're about five bucks cheaper at that Crown Auto over there. Then, I got to thinking how my dad's birthday's coming up, and I should probably get him something. I figured I'd try the mall, since it's got tons of the kind of stupid crap he likes."

"I can't believe I actually set foot in that place," added Larsen, posting a flyer for his band's upcoming gig in the Jack's Wax window. "If not for my dad and his dorko taste, I wouldn't have gone within 50 miles of that den of lameness."

After briefly browsing B. Dalton, The Sunglass Hut, and Camelot Music for something for his father, Larsen said he became so disgusted with "the unbelievable mainstream-ness of it all" that he couldn't bring himself to spend money at any of the stores. Giving up on finding a gift, Larsen decided to explore some of the mall's other outlets, "just as a joke."

He eventually wound up buying himself a silver-chain pocket watch, a purchase he spent nearly 20 minutes justifying to his fellow scenesters.

"I was walking around, just laughing my ass off at all the stores, when I decided to go into this place called The Wild Side, which is pretty much the lamest of them all," Larsen said. "It had all these 'leather' biker jackets that were made out of plastic, not to mention all this other cheesy, wanna-be-punk stuff. You know, poseur shit for the suburban rebel."

"But then, just as I was about to end my 'walk on The Wild Side,' I saw in a display case this German silver pocket watch, which, by some miracle, was actually kind of cool," Larsen continued. "Plus, it was on clearance for really cheap. Honestly, though, I only got it because I needed a new watch. I think my other one's about to break. It's been running really slow. Otherwise, I never would have given a penny to those losers."

While at the mall, Larsen also purchased a stainless-steel coffee thermos from Williams-Sonoma, a copy of Star Wars: Episode One "because the movie was so bad, it's hilarious," and the Playstation game Ape Escape, which Larsen says is impossible to find used.

According to Rick Caras, Larsen's roommate and bandmate, this is not the first time he has over-explained a brush with mainstream culture.

"Last week, I noticed a Kid Rock CD on Anders' shelf, and I was like, 'Anders, you own a fuckin' Kid Rock CD?" Caras said. "Well, I got this 20-minute saga about how he bought it for his little brother, who's into that kind of rap-metal junk, but his brother already had it, so he was going to return it. But then he ended up opening it, just to hear that one stupid 'Bawitdaba' song that he heard on WTFX once–not that he ever listens to that 'shitty-ass corporate-rock station,' but he happened to be in a gas station when it came on and became 'entranced by its profound patheticness.'"

Among the other items Larsen has over-explained recently: how he knows who Keri Russell is, why he ate at Bennigan's, what he is doing with an Entertainment Weekly subscription, and why he saw the movie Keeping The Faith.

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