Ant Farm Teaches Children About Toil, Death

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Issue 3621

Goodwill Employees Shaken By Gigantic Pants

LUBBOCK, TX–Goodwill workers Pam Stearns and Lydia Rutt were severely shaken by a pair of mammoth men's pants retrieved from the store's donation bin Monday. "At first, I thought it was some sort of denim tent or tarp," a still-rattled Stearns said. "But then, as Lydia started to unfold it, I slowly began to realize that I was looking at a pair of human pants." The colossal trousers are now on display in the employee break room.

SNL Audience Moved To Tears By Soulful, End-Of-Episode Piano Music

NEW YORK–The 296 members of the Saturday Night Live studio audience were moved to tears in the show's closing minutes Saturday by soulful, sentimental piano music. "After 90 minutes of live sketch comedy from the likes of Ana Gasteyer and Tim Meadows, that piano music set just the right mood of reflection and closure," audience member Liz Nokes said. "Without words, it conveyed just how much we'd been through together and captured the bittersweet feeling that comes from knowing that the good times and laughter have come to a close until next week." The teary-eyed audience swayed along with the cast, guest host Joshua Jackson, and musical guest 'N Sync, smiling wistfully and waving as they bid farewell to yet another successful episode.

Lanthanum Quits Periodic Table Of Elements

STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN–The world of chemistry was shaken Monday by lanthanum's announcement that the popular 57th element will quit Transition Group IIIb of the periodic table at the end of the summer. "I have nothing but good things to say about my time with the periodic table," said the ductile, silvery-white metal, speaking from the site of its discovery by Carl Gustav Mosander in 1839. "Nevertheless, I will be stepping down after Labor Day to focus on my own earth-metal solo projects." Rumors of a longtime feud with molybdenum and the constant demands of lens manufacturing are believed to be behind the departure.

Blue Line Jumps 11 Percent

NEW YORK–Excitement swept the financial world Monday, when a blue line jumped more than 11 percent, passing four black horizontal lines as it rose from 367.22 to 408.85.

The First Rule Of The Quilting Society Is You Don't Talk About The Quilting Society

Afternoon, ladies. Most of you know why you're here. You know what secret longings draw you, week after week, to this bright and tastefully appointed place, far from the prying eyes of a society that will not allow us to sew free. Many of you are hardcore veterans of the quilting society, old-school regulars of our little group that meets twice a month here in this church basement. You are loyal and trusted members of the sisterhood. Your furrowed brows are intent upon sewing, and the lust for bare-knuckled hand-stitching action pumps through your veins. You know full well what long-repressed urges find their release in the quilting way. You know what you want.

Spouse Under Fire For Telling Anecdote Wrong

FLORENCE, SC–Allegations of improper vacation-anecdote-recounting were leveled Monday against area spouse Maria Courtnall. "Honey, you got it wrong again," said husband Willard after Maria went straight from the part about the cab driver to the thing at the hotel. "It's crucial to mention that we saw that billboard on the way to the hotel. Remember the billboard? Otherwise, the story doesn't make any sense." Maria insisted that she would have mentioned the billboard in due time.

The NRA Restaurant

Last week, the NRA unveiled plans for NRA SportsBlast, a theme restaurant in New York City's Time Square. What are some of the eatery's features?

New Resort Community Still Trying To Think Of Name

CLEARWATER, FL–Residents of the just-opened 200-acre gated resort community occupying Lot 643 of Pinellas County are still unable to agree on a name, community leaders confirmed Tuesday. "We've already ruled out 'Cypress Bay,' 'Orchard Ridge,' and 'Cedar Landing,'" association head Will Lufkin said. "Next week we're scheduled to debate 'Osprey Glen,' 'Maplewood Creek,' and 'Pipers Plantation.' I'd just like to get it taken care of soon, so we can get started on a newsletter."

Bus Passenger Stops Trying To Enjoy Kansas Scenery

WALKER, KS–After several hundred miles of trying, Greyhound bus passenger Ed Costa finally aborted his attempt to enjoy the Kansas scenery Monday. "Fuck it," said Costa, turning his head from the window somewhere around Walker. "I've tried and tried to derive aesthetic pleasure from the view along I-70, but it's nothing but flat land as far as the eye can see." Costa said he was hoping to see "a hill that was even slightly rolling," but no luck.

I Am Sick And Tired Of The Same Old Burger

I'm a busy, on-the-go kind of guy who doesn't always have time for a fancy sit-down meal. So about 10 or 11 times a week, it's McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's, Hardee's, Arby's, Rax, Jack In The Box, or White Castle for me.
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Special Coverage



Ant Farm Teaches Children About Toil, Death

PASADENA, CA–Wonderco, a Pasadena-based educational-toy manufacturer, unveiled its new Playscovery Cove Ant Village Monday, touting the ant farm as a fun, interactive way to teach children ages 5 and up about unceasing, backbreaking toil and the cold, inescapable reality of death.

Children learn about the cruel reality of pain, toil, and death with the Playscovery Cove Ant Village.

"Your little ones will have a front-row seat as worker ants labor, day in and day out, until they inevitably die of exhaustion, their futile efforts all for naught," Wonderco spokeswoman Joan Kedzie said. "A Playscovery Cove Ant Village, complete with stackable tiny ant barns, see-through 'Antway' travel tubes, and connecting 'Antports,' is your children's window into the years of thankless, grueling labor that await them as worker drones in our post-industrial society."

Billed as "the fun way to teach your kids to accept their miserable fate stoically," the ant farm retails for $14.95.

"The ants work very, very hard," said Youngstown, OH, 9-year-old Dylan Munns, who will someday work in the same grim Hormel meat-packing plant where his father now toils, as his father did before him. "They dig tunnels and carry heavy stuff all day long. Then they do it all over again the next day."

"They all look and act the same," said Newark, NJ, 10-year-old Darnell Booker, who, like Munns, will one day play the role of blue-collar worker in a society that rewards collectivism over individualism. "And there's no escape."

According to Kedzie, the ants, which come separately from the farm, are bred in New Mexico and mailed directly to Playscovery Cove Ant Village purchasers. Within days of arriving, a majority of the ants die at the hands of the small children responsible for regulating the temperature, humidity, and food supply in their delicate pseudo-ecosystem.

Even under optimum conditions, Kedzie said, the ants survive no more than 20 weeks in the farm. As a result, children are assured the chance to contemplate the inescapability of their own mortality.

Ant carcasses pile up beside a little plastic tree.

"My ants came in the mail, and I put them in my ant farm all by myself," said Molly Whalen, 7, of Springfield, MA. "Some were stuck to the bottom of the tube, and I tried to make them move by dunking them in water, but mommy said they were dead forever."

It is normal for a certain percentage of the ants to perish in transport, Kedzie said.

"As it says in the official Playscovery Cove Ant Watcher's Guide, 'Don't worry if some ants didn't make the long and bumpy trip to your mailbox, kids, because we send along more than enough to get your ant farm up and running,'" she said. "'Besides, when some of your ants arrive dead, you'll be reminded that the spectre of death hangs over every creature on this Earth!'"

The lesson that the ants' labor is all in vain becomes clearer as time passes. During the first two to three weeks, the exclusively female worker ants are extremely productive, building an elaborate system of tunnels and hills amongst the miniature green trees and red plastic houses dotting the interior of the plastic dome. However, because neither male ants nor a fertile queen is provided with the Playscovery Cove Ant Village, making reproduction impossible, the farm is doomed to extinction from day one.

"The social structure of an ant colony is extremely complex, with individual members occupying such castes as soldier, messenger, and larvae attendant," said Penn State entomologist Dr. Gerald Dudek. "At some point, the Playscovery Cove ants become cognizant that their hierarchical structure has been stripped away, rendering their already near-meaningless existence totally futile. There seems to be a breaking point at about the 22-day mark when the dejected ants begin to die off en masse."

At this point, Dudek said, the ant farm enters what is known as the "death-pile phase." A spot is chosen by the worker ants to deposit their dead, and the burial mound steadily grows as the few remaining ants devote more of their time to gathering and burying others.

"It was really weird," said Jessica Lurman, 14, of Savannah, GA. "The ants were, like, really careful to put all the dead ants in this one big grave until there were, like, only four left. Then, the next morning, three of the four were lying with the others in the big pile, and the last one was dead over by the plastic farmhouse thingy. It must've died right after it buried the second-to-last ant."

Rick Brannan, CEO of Wonderco, said his company's ant farm was initially marketed as a fun way to teach children about life, not death.

"About a year ago, we re-examined our entire line of nature exploration toys–the ant farms, firefly lanterns, butterfly keepers, and ladybug jars," Brannan said. "What we found was surprising: Despite the fact that, 100 percent of the time, these toys resulted in the death of the living creatures caged inside, parents continued to buy them for their children. It was then that we realized that the suffering and death must be part of the attraction."

Added Brannan: "Here at Wonderco, arbeit macht fun!"