Burundi Beef Council: 'Please Send Beef'

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Issue 3623

Roommate Never Seems To Leave Apartment

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA–Paul Shermer noted Monday that Ed Twilley, his roommate of eight months, appears to spend every moment of his life in the apartment shared by the two Charlottesville men. "Every time I come home, there he is on the couch," Shermer said. "I know he works for the state doing something, but he never seems to be at work when I'm home." Shermer said he is beginning to get creeped out.

Self-Described Avid Reader Halfway Through Dragonriders Of Pern For Sixth Time

ALLENTOWN, PA–"Serious bookworm" Angela Goodwin is reportedly halfway through her sixth reading of Anne McCaffrey's fantasy series The Dragonriders Of Pern. "I've read every book in Dragonriders at least three times," Goodwin said Monday. "I guess you could say it's just part of my love affair with the written word." Earlier this year, the "die-hard reader" also read 10 of Piers Anthony's Xanth novels in 15 days.

Area Man Gets In One Last Night Of Sex Before Breakup

HOUSTON–Anticipating an imminent break-up with girlfriend Mindy Huhn, Derek Haskell, 24, deliberately scheduled a final romantic evening Sunday for the purpose of intercourse. "I was planning to dump her this week, probably Wednesday, so I figured I should squeeze in one last go at it before then," Haskell said. "I especially wanted to because I don't have anyone lined up next, so who knows when I'll have sex again?" Haskell described the encounter as "pretty good."

83rd Birthday Party Stretches Definition Of Party

JACKSON, MI–An 83rd birthday party for Hilldale Nursing Home resident Abraham Porter stretched the definition of the word "party" Monday. "Yes, there was food and music and gifts and people gathered for the purpose of celebrating, so, technically, it was a party," said Lydia Marks, the ailing Porter's great-grand-niece. "But it felt like something else altogether." The highlight of the affair, Marks said, was when Porter recognized his only son.

Hair Dyed Back To Original Color

TULSA, OK–After three months as a redhead, area resident Natalie Rice dyed her hair back to its original brown Monday. "I decided I wanted to go natural," Rice said, "so I got a bottle of Clairol dark auburn and just went to town." Rice said it will probably take another two or three dye jobs to completely restore her natural brown coloration over the artificial red.

The Greatest Movie Ever Told

Hola amigos. Que pasa with you? Me, I've been pretty damn good. It's summer, my car is running, and the ladies are fine. Sometimes you can't ask for anything more. Well, ya can, like maybe to get laid by Pamela Anderson, but asking ain't a good idea, because you'll only jinx what you've already got.

My Summer Reading List

Another swampish July will soon be upon us, bringing with it the promise of sweltering heat, golden pitchers of ice-cold lemon-ade administered to me in enema-form, and the nightmarish prospect of sunlight which lasts until nine o'clock at night. Monstrous! When I was a lad, it was dark from five in the evening until noon the next day, and the July temperature never exceeded fifty degrees on Professor-Doktor Fahrenheit's scale. I am certain that the world is hurtling ever closer to the Sun, overbalanced as it is on one side by the overbreeding of the fecund Hindoo, but at present there is little I can do about it.

Local Celebrity Cracks Under Stress Of Local Fame

WAUWATONKA, WI–Unable to cope with the mounting pressures of local fame, local celebrity Randall "Herch" Herchwick, 51, shocked residents of this placid Midwestern community Monday with an uncharacteristically emotional outburst during an Elks Club Picnic at the Plefko County Fairgrounds.

Republicans Back Universal Lawn-Care Bill

WASHINGTON, DC–Seeking to make "comprehensive, high-quality lawn and garden care accessible to all Americans," a coalition of House Republicans Monday introduced H.R. 4702, the Hastert-Armey Lawn-Care Reform Act.

Is This A Garage Sale Or A Sick Joke?

Just what exactly is going on here? The cardboard sign out front said "Garage Sale," so when I pulled up and parked, I naturally assumed that I would be attending a garage sale. But what I see in front of me is more like some kind of sick joke.

Eight-Pound Man Removed From Woman's Vagina

ALBUQUERQUE, NM–In a bizarre case that has baffled medical professionals across the country, surgeons at Albuquerque's Veterans Memorial Hospital removed a living eight-pound man from the confines of an area woman's vagina Monday.

Survivor Mania

Survivor, CBS's reality-based castaway series, is a smash hit, beating Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? in the ratings. Why are people so drawn to it?

Acne Medication May Cause Dizziness, Nausea, Loss Of Hearing, Insomnia, Blood Clotting, Difficulty Breathing

RAMAPO, NJ–Dermalon, a new acne medication from Ramapo-based Franklin Laboratories, may cause a host of serious complications, a TV commercial for the product casually noted Monday. "Some Dermalon users may experience such side effects as dizziness, nausea, loss of hearing, insomnia, blood clotting, difficulty breathing, memory loss, bone rot, paranoid schizophrenia, and brain tumors," a friendly voice-over noted as a group of happy, clear-skinned teens frolicked on a beach. "Wake up to a clearer you with Dermalon." Franklin Laboratories is also the manufacturer of Follicin, a hair-restoration formula linked to explosive diarrhea and hyperobesity.

Camping Tips

Summer is just around the corner, and that means it's almost time for fun in the great outdoors. Here are some tips to make your next camping trip safe and enjoyable:
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Burundi Beef Council: 'Please Send Beef'

BUJUMBURA, BURUNDI–The Burundi Beef Council, a non-profit organization that offers beef recipes, beef-safety information, and tips on low-fat cooking and eating, made a desperate plea Monday for any beef whatsoever.

A young boy sits beside one of the Burundi Beef Council's new billboards.

"I beg of you, please send my people some beef, so that we may have something to put on the grill for a 'Great Summer Steakout,'" said Burundi Beef Council president Ketumile Nkewale, kicking off an ambitious $800 campaign promoting the consumption and donation of beef. "There are so many mouth-watering, easy-to-prepare recipes, from grilled ribeye with mushroom sauce to Southwest sizzlin' sirloin tips, that we would love to try, if only there were some beef in Burundi."

Added Nkewale: "Beef... Do You Maybe Have Even A Little Bit Of It?™"

Following up on the Burundi Pork Board's successful "Pork: The Other Meat We Don't Have" campaign of last year, the promotional blitz targets the world's beef-donor demographic. It will take the form of print ads, billboards, and children holding empty bowls and wailing the slogan, "I Will Die Without Beef.™"

"Please do not think that we are picky or finicky in any way," Nkewale said. "While an Asian beef kabob or roasted sirloin with cranberry-jalapeño salsa would be a real taste sensation, the beef lovers of Burundi would be more than willing to accept the unwanted byproducts of industrial beef processing, including fat, gristle, organs, muscles, skin, eyes, hooves, cartilage, and bone."

Though the demand for beef has skyrocketed in Burundi in recent years, actual consumption has dwindled to zero pounds for the first half of the year 2000.

"Many factors have contributed to the decreased consumption of beef in Burundi, from health concerns to the total absence of any beef anywhere in our land," said Iringa Lubunda, the Burundi Beef Council's director of public relations. "As a result, many Burundians are turning instead to such alternate food sources as shoe leather, lichens, and individual grains of rice retrieved from anthills."

Added Lubunda: "For those of you who are trying to follow a heart-smart diet, remember: If, by some miracle from the gods, you had a 12-ounce cut of flank steak, it would contain just 11 grams of fat. That's less than a single cup of cream of potato soup."

Lubunda then began licking and chewing a glossy photograph of a flank steak from the beef council's press packet.

In addition to reiterating the plea for any beef at all, the press packet features recipes for a variety of tasty beef dishes that Burundians could prepare if given the necessary meat, from Apricot-Glazed Corned Beef to Beef & Broccoli Stir Fry to A Very Small Quantity Of Beef. The packet also tests beef lovers' "Beef IQ" with hamburger trivia, asking such questions as, "At which World's Fair did the hamburger make its debut?" and "What do you think a hamburger would taste like?"

Persons donating beef to Burundi will be eligible for a selection of gifts, from a "Thank You For The Life-Sustaining Beef" tote bag for a six-ounce donation to a lifetime of indentured servitude from a Burundi male for 12 or more ounces.