Area Man's Recommended Daily Caloric Intake Exceeded By 9 A.M.

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Issue 3631

New Orleans Adopts $10 Cover Charge

NEW ORLEANS–New Orleans announced plans Monday to impose a $10 cover charge on all nonresidents seeking to enter the city. "For $10, visitors will receive unlimited access to all bars and nightclubs, three drink tickets, and a free 'Certified Muff Diver' T-shirt," said Mayor Marc Morial, flanked by a pair of the city's bouncers. "Those who want to leave the city and return before 2 a.m. can get their hand stamped for readmission." Women who flash their breasts will be admitted at the reduced rate of $8.

God Damns Minnesota Vikings As Requested

LIBERTYVILLE, IL–Responding to a fourth-quarter cry from diehard Chicago Bears fan Lester Ruddick, God damned the Minnesota Vikings Sunday. "Players and employees of the Vikings organization," God announced from Heaven, "I have heard the pleas of Lester Ruddick in the final moments of a devastating 30-27 Bears loss to the Vikings, and My wrath shall burn forever against you. No supplication, no contrition can help you now. Every last one of you, from All-Pro wideout Randy Moss all the way down to third-string left guard Chris Liwienski, shall be damned to an eternity of pain and suffering."

Jury Finds Defendant Pretty

FREMONT, CA–Meredith Kent, a 26-year-old Fremont woman charged with four counts of bribery and embezzlement, was found pretty by a jury of her peers Monday. "She has an absolutely lovely face–it took no time at all for us to reach a consensus about that," jury foreman Richard Bloch, 58, said. "And her neck is amazingly long and graceful like a swan's." Kent was longingly cross-examined for nearly an hour before the verdict of pretty was announced.

Someday, I Will Drive This Short Bus Myself

I love the short yellow school bus! Riding the bus is fun! I ride the bus to school every day, but I also ride the bus to other places, too. When I go on trips with Miss Lang and everybody in the special-needs class, we all get on the bus and go to the zoo or the planetarium. One time, we ate pizza at Pizza Hut, and we took the bus then, too. And you know what? Someday, I'm going to drive the bus myself!

Western Wildfires

Wildfires are sweeping across the Western U.S., with nearly 1.5 million acres in Montana and Idaho engulfed in flames. What is the government doing to combat the problem?

Advertising Executive Gets In Touch With Inner-Child Demographic

BOSTON–Struggling to find the perfect marketing hook for a new rainbow-colored string-cheese snack, Holland Mark Advertising executive Darius McLain got in touch with his own inner-child demographic–a purchasing sector he had all but forgotten since the onset of adolescence. "I asked myself, what would make a kid want to buy Color Magic Cheez-bows?" said McLain, 44, after the emotional breakthrough. "Only after looking within myself and rediscovering the 8- to 12-year-old male buried deep inside did I hit upon the ideal angle." McLain next plans to get in touch with his feminine-urban-professional side to develop a campaign for No Nonsense pantyhose.

Exit Interview Goes Well

DEARBORN, MI–Laid off Monday from his billing-manager position at Automatic Data Processing, Howard Pfaff reported that his exit interview with human-resources associate Lorraine Bochy "went pretty well."

Christian Right Lobbies To Overturn Second Law Of Thermodynamics

TOPEKA, KS–The second law of thermodynamics, a fundamental scientific principle stating that entropy increases over time as organized forms decay into greater states of randomness, has come under fire from conservative Christian groups, who are demanding that the law be repealed.

Long Story Short, They Had To Cut Off Area Guy's Arm

PHOENIX–Long story short, surgeons were forced to amputate this guy's right arm above the elbow, sources reported Tuesday. "Yeah, well, the guy'll live, but, whoa," Mercy Hospital chief of surgery Dr. Ed Lane said. "Apparently, he was bombed out of his skull and wandered onto the Grove Street site where they're putting up that new library and, man, I won't go into it, but let's just say, 'So long, arm.'"

Check Off One Orchard

Well, my month-long travail as an enormous cock-roach has ended, and not one God-damned minute too soon! Though I truly enjoyed the benefits of insect life, such as the adhering to walls, the brisk scuttling, and the ability to eat the toe-nail parings of others, it did begin to wear on me after a while. Between the fondness I developed for dank, cramped under-sink areas and the attempts on my life by my staff, being a cock-roach was becoming a decidedly unnerving ordeal.

This Lethal Injection Is Going To Hurt The State Of Texas More Than It Hurts You

Mr. Jackson, seeing as you have been found guilty of murder in the first degree by the citizens of the Great Republic Of Texas, I have no choice but to sentence you to death by means of lethal injection, to be administered by a state-appointed prison medical technician within 90 days' time. But I'll have you know, Mr. Jackson, that as harsh as this punishment may seem, trust me when I tell you that it hurts the state of Texas much more than it hurts you.
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