Parents' Record Collection Deemed Hilarious
HERNDON, VA–The record collection of area parents Donald and Peggy Schnell is "totally hilarious," son Andrew Schnell, 16, reported Monday.
Issue 3631
Christian Right Lobbies To Overturn Second Law Of Thermodynamics
TOPEKA, KS–The second law of thermodynamics, a fundamental scientific principle stating that entropy increases over time as organized forms decay into greater states of ...
Nation Trying To Fix Up Ralph Nader With Date
WASHINGTON, DC–Concerned that the Green Party presidential candidate and lifelong bachelor is lonely, citizens across the country are trying to set up Ralph Nader ...
Exit Interview Goes Well
DEARBORN, MI–Laid off Monday from his billing-manager position at Automatic Data Processing, Howard Pfaff reported that his exit interview with human-resources associate Lorraine Bochy ...
Long Story Short, They Had To Cut Off Area Guy's Arm
PHOENIX–Long story short, surgeons were forced to amputate this guy's right arm above the elbow, sources reported Tuesday. "Yeah, well, the guy'll ...
Advertising Executive Gets In Touch With Inner-Child Demographic
BOSTON–Struggling to find the perfect marketing hook for a new rainbow-colored string-cheese snack, Holland Mark Advertising executive Darius McLain got in touch with his ...
Jury Finds Defendant Pretty
FREMONT, CA–Meredith Kent, a 26-year-old Fremont woman charged with four counts of bribery and embezzlement, was found pretty by a jury of her peers ...
God Damns Minnesota Vikings As Requested
LIBERTYVILLE, IL–Responding to a fourth-quarter cry from diehard Chicago Bears fan Lester Ruddick, God damned the Minnesota Vikings Sunday. "Players and employees of the ...
New Orleans Adopts $10 Cover Charge
NEW ORLEANS–New Orleans announced plans Monday to impose a $10 cover charge on all nonresidents seeking to enter the city. "For $10, visitors will ...
Area Man's Recommended Daily Caloric Intake Exceeded By 9 A.M.
MEMPHIS, TN–At 8:56 a.m. Monday, Len Blake consumed his 2,401st calorie of the day, surpassing his recommended daily caloric intake of ...
Western Wildfires
Wildfires are sweeping across the Western U.S., with nearly 1.5 million acres in Montana and Idaho engulfed in flames. What is the government ...
Horoscope for the week of September 6, 2000
A new love will cause your heart to swell, leading to a New England Journal Of Medicine article about sexually transmitted myocardial illness.
The Firestone Tire Recall
Last month, Firestone announced a recall of 6.5 million tires following reports of 46 deaths related to blowouts of tires on Ford sport-utility vehicles ...
