'Farm Aid Aid' Concert To Benefit Struggling Farm Aid Concerts

Top Headlines

Issue 3634

IOC: Many Viewers May Be Using Olympics-Enhancing Drugs

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA–The International Olympic Committee announced Monday that it will launch a full-scale investigation in the wake of allegations of Olympics-enhancing drug use by viewers. "We have reason to suspect that as many as 18 million U.S. viewers are artificially increasing their ability to sit through the Sydney Games with illegal substances, particularly marijuana," IOC president Juan Antonio Samaranch said. "These drugs enable viewers to watch NBC Olympic coverage beyond the limits of normal human endurance." Interest-boosting doping, Samaranch said, is particularly rampant among viewers of archery, men's handball, and women's sailing.

Bathroom Smells Like Shit

GALENA PARK, TX–The second-floor men's room of a Sysco Vending office building smells like shit, disgusted employee Art McCune reported Tuesday. "Jesus Christ, it smells like actual human feces in here," McCune said. "I'm serious–it's like someone walked in, dropped his pants and underwear, straddled a bowl, excreted nearly a pound of fecal matter out of his anus, and then walked right out again." Building custodian Byron Withers apologized for the foul odor, assuring Sysco staffers that by the following morning, the bathroom would be back to smelling like bleach.

First Draft Of Paper Inadvertently Becomes Final Draft

EUGENE, OR–The first draft of an English 140 paper by University of Oregon sophomore Mindy Blain ultimately became the final draft, Blain reported Monday. "I was gonna keep working on it and add a bunch of stuff about how the guy who wrote [The Great Gatsby] was affected by a lot of the stuff going on around him," she said. "But then I was like, fuck it." Blain said she spent the time that would have been devoted to a revision watching Friends in her dorm's TV lounge.

Cool Ashtray Found

HAMTRAMCK, MI–An afternoon trip to the Joseph Campau Street St. Vincent's thrift shop netted a cool ashtray Tuesday. "Dude, it totally looks like it would have been on Dean Martin's coffee table," discoverer Marc Reiss told friend Scott Ratner. "It's green ceramic and triangular, and it's huge." The ashtray's most perfect detail, Reiss said, which more than justifies its $2 purchase price, is a raised center featuring a full 12 cigarette notches.

Dental-Hygiene Tips

As the old saying goes, "Ignore your teeth, and they'll go away." Here are some helpful hints for keeping that smile bright and healthy for years to come:

Screw Charity!

I must admit that my relationship with my man-servant Standish has been strained ever since he won a kingly fortune in a sweep-stakes last year. In spite of his new-gotten wealth, he chose to remain in my employ, because it is, after all, the only life he has ever known. But some-times I think it is also because he wants to rub it in my decaying face. Upon winning, he bought all the servants comfortable shoes, including the lowly field-hands. Even the furloughed convicts who boil down pine trees into turpentine in my vast forest have been receiving an extra pullet or two in their monthly rations. Recently, I decided I'd had enough.

I Just Love The New Channel 29 News At Noon Set

As a regular viewer of Channel 29 News At Noon, I must say that I am very impressed by the revamped set. When I tuned in Monday for my daily dose of Ron Reynolds and Katie Hsu, I couldn't believe the great changes! Some very sharp people must have put their noggins together to come up with the new look.

Grandma Pulls Pudding Roll-Ups From Recesses Of Cupboard

SHIVELY, KY–Searching for a treat for her 12-year-old grandchild, Edna Leigh retrieved a dusty, faded box of circa-1988 Betty Crocker-brand Pudding Roll-Ups from the darkest recesses of her kitchen cupboard Monday. "Here you go," said Leigh, handing grandson Danny Meyers the long-discontinued snack item. "You like pudding, right?" To wash down the fossilized Roll-Ups, Leigh offered Meyers some Crystal Pepsi from the garage.

Gore Wondering If Latest Doonesbury Is About Him

WASHINGTON, DC–With his lead in presidential polls narrowing to just four points over Republican challenger George W. Bush, an already anxious Al Gore wondered aloud Monday whether the latest Doonesbury is about him.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.


'Farm Aid Aid' Concert To Benefit Struggling Farm Aid Concerts

INDIANAPOLIS–A special Farm Aid Aid concert will be held Oct. 3 in Indianapolis to raise money for America's struggling Farm Aid concerts, event organizer Willie Nelson announced Monday. "Fifteen years ago, our nation's Farm Aid concerts were thriving, with millions of Americans flocking to see such artists as John Mellencamp, Neil Young, and myself," Nelson said. "But today, with ticket sales dwindling and subsidies nonexistent, countless hard-working Farm Aid promoters have been forced to foreclose on bookings in amphitheaters one-tenth the size of the stadiums they once filled."