Break-Up Made Easier With Colorful Visual Aids

Top Headlines

Issue 3635

Congolese Civil War Buff Fights In Civil War

BRAZZAVILLE, CONGO–Jean-Pierre Uyoya, a longtime Congolese Civil War enthusiast, was excited to enlist in the Congolese Liberation Movement army Monday. "I can't wait to participate in my first Civil War enactment," said Uyoya, polishing up his authentic 1999-era Uzi. "I've been a huge Congolese Civil War buff ever since it started in 1997." On Friday, Uyoya's army unit will march north for a historically accurate ambush of the Hutu-controlled village of Gemena.

Early-Morning Jogger Pities Everyone Still Sleeping

OCEANSIDE, CA–During her daily four-mile, 5 a.m. run, jogger Andrea Kallen expressed pity for all the people still in their soft, warm beds Tuesday. "I cannot understand how anyone would choose to be conked out during the most glorious time of the entire day," said Kallen, 25, straining up a hill as the sky turned from a dark cobalt blue to purple. "I feel so bad for all those poor people who are missing out on this just to get an extra four or five hours of sleep."

Eighth-Grader Drinks At Twelfth-Grade Level

CARLSBAD, NM–Joshua Halley, an eighth-grader at Millvale Middle School, consumes alcohol at a 12th-grade level, sources reported Monday. "This precocious youngster shows a drinking aptitude far beyond that of the average 13-year-old," Millvale principal Charles Meckler said. "Beer, wine, vodka, whiskey–Joshua can handle them all." Meckler said that upon high-school graduation, Halley can expect a full scholarship from his choice of the nation's top party schools.

Area Man Could Have Sworn Randy Newman Sang Welcome Back, Kotter Theme

SPRINGFIELD, MO–Television viewer Michael Grigg was stunned to learn Monday that Lovin' Spoonful frontman John Sebastian, not Randy Newman, composed and sang the Welcome Back, Kotter theme song. "Seriously? John Sebastian?" Grigg said upon being informed by friend Brian Richards while watching the popular '70s sitcom on Nick At Nite. "God, I would have bet money that it was Randy Newman. Especially with the piano and everything." Added an incredulous Grigg: "You have to admit, it sounds a lot more like 'Short People' than 'Do You Believe In Magic?'"

Fame Sexually Transmitted

LONDON–Guy Ritchie, Madonna's British boyfriend, has sexually contracted fame from the pop superstar, Ritchie's physician confirmed Monday. "It would appear that Mr. Ritchie, a previously obscure director with just two films to his credit, has become famous through sexual contact with Madonna," Dr. Ian Woolsey-Lodge said. "As a fame carrier himself, he now can be found on Entertainment Tonight and in People magazine, even when not with Madonna." Woolsey-Lodge said Ritchie forever runs the risk of any future offspring being born famous.

Bush Vows To Do 'That Thing Gore Just Said, Only Better'

BOSTON–Responding to debate opponent Al Gore's promise to pay off the national debt in 12 years by devoting $2 of projected surpluses toward debt reduction for every $1 used for tax cuts, George W. Bush vowed to do "that thing Gore just said, only better" during Tuesday's presidential debate. "Yeah, that debt thing," the Republican candidate said during his allotted 90-second rebuttal. "I'm going to do that, but, like, 10 times better." Bush added that, as president, he would "do all that stuff Gore said about education and the environment, but my version would work twice as good."
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Food

Break-Up Made Easier With Colorful Visual Aids

HUNTINGTON, WV–Stephanie Duquette's break-up with boyfriend Chris Straub was made easier Sunday with an array of colorful charts, graphs, and other visual aids from Copy Express, a Huntington-area copy shop.

Duquette makes a point to her boyfriend using a chart made at Copy Express.

"When Stephanie came in looking for a way to make her dumping of Chris more effective and memorable, I was more than happy to help," said Copy Express assistant manager Debbie Saldana. "Using our state-of-the-art laser printers, film scanners, Canon CLC 1120 color copiers, and top-notch computer software, Stephanie was able to provide Chris with a clear, eye-catching presentation of his failings as a boyfriend."

Duquette, 20, broke up with Straub, her boyfriend of two years, late Sunday evening, using the visual aids to concisely communicate to him just how unhappy she had been during the last six months of their relationship.

"I needed to express my desire to see other people, but I didn't want it to turn into some huge argument about whose fault it was and whether my actions where fair," Duquette said. "I knew Chris was going to have a lot of questions, and that's when I got out this professionally bound report with the peek-through title '10 Reasons Why I Want Out.'"

Duquette also praised Copy Express for its ability to produce the needed visual aids on a deadline.

"Chris and I had agreed we would have the big 'Where is this relationship going?' talk Sunday night after he got back from his guys-only camping weekend," Duquette said. "By Saturday, I was at my wits' end. I knew I had only one day to come up with something that would really make a big impression, but I had no idea what."

Originally, Duquette had gone to Copy Express to make photocopies of her farewell letter to Straub, which she intended to distribute to the couple's friends so they would understand her side of the story. Upon seeing Duquette attempt to feed the messy, seven-page handwritten letter into the copier's auto-feed slot, however, Saldana intervened.

"I asked Stephanie if that letter wouldn't be more effective if it were organized with bullet points and had a catchy color banner across the top," Saldana said. "Stephanie was excited by the suggestion, so I told her about a whole range of possibilities, from a laminated graph illustrating Chris' declining spending on birthday and anniversary gifts to a spiral-bound, quick-reference booklet of his shortcomings as a lover printed on heavy-stock ivory paper."

One of Duquette's many sharp-looking presentation materials.

Duquette's major complaints about Straub--including his failure to spend enough time with her, his frequent unemployment, and his steadily increasing weight--were presented to him on attractive, photo-quality color 24"x36" posters printed on Copy Express' brand-new 600DPI HP DesignJet printer.

"I said, 'See this line graph, Chris?'" Duquette recalled. "'It clearly shows how my interest in you plummeted after I began taking night classes to learn French. These multi-colored lines represent the appeal of some of the other guys in my class. As you can see, the green line representing Steve is a full two inches higher than the blue one representing you.'"

"Chris was definitely impressed by all the great visual aids," Duquette said. "Throughout the entire presentation, he barely said a word."

For all the help she provided, Saldana is modest about her contributions to the successful presentation.

"Most of the ideas were Stephanie's," Saldana said. "I just helped her maximize her results by finding the best way to present the data that she herself had been collecting in her private journal ever since she and Chris started having problems in March."

Straub said he was "blown away" by the Copy Express materials.

"I never realized the great disparity between the frequency and sincerity of Stephanie's expressions of love and those of my own until I saw it laid out in a vibrant, red-and-yellow pie chart," Straub said. "And when I was presented with a glossy, spiral-bound packet detailing all the rude comments I have made about her best friend Paulette over the years, how could I disagree with Stephanie's conclusion that she can do better than me? I was sold."