Marilyn Manson Now Going Door-To-Door Trying To Shock People

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Issue 3703

Irish Wake A Blur

BOSTON–According to attendees, Saturday's wake for police officer Joseph "Joe" O'Malley was a total blur. "I think someone said something about remembering all the good times with Joe," said friend Patrick Monaghan, attempting to piece together details of the event Sunday. "Exactly which good times we remembered are lost to me now." Seamus McNamara agreed, saying, "I mainly recall making a lot of toasts and downing pint after pint of Guinness. Good ol' Joe."

Diners Slightly Unnerved That Waitress Didn't Write Down Order

PORTLAND, OR–A Chili's waitress identified only as "Karen" made a six-person lunch party uncomfortable Monday when she didn't write down their orders. "We ordered a heck of a lot of stuff," diner Dennis Bernardo told his dining companions. "You think she'll actually remember the 'no olives' in Bob's Greek salad? And my request for marinara sauce instead of alfredo on my pasta? I'm sure she knows what she's doing, but I still kinda wish she'd written it down." Fellow diner Sandi Slocum said she was going to add a Coke to her order just as the waitress was leaving, but opted not to for fear of "complicating things."

Annoying Coworker Precedes All Nouns With 'Quite The'

WICHITA, KS–Wichita Gas & Electric payroll secretary Patti Smolensk has thoroughly irritated coworkers with her habit of prefacing all nouns with "quite the," WG&E sources reported Monday. "She said, 'That's quite the mug you've got there' when I walked into the breakroom with a snowman-shaped mug," file clerk Cassie Taylor said. "And on Monday, she was talking about how she threw 'quite the shindig' over the weekend." Said sales representative Dianne White, whom Smolensk called "quite the sleepyhead" when she recently showed up half an hour late for work: "I'm gonna give her quite the punch in the face if she doesn't knock it off."

Running Back's Buttocks Undulate Hypnotically In Sexuality-Challenging Slow-Motion Replay

ALBEMARLE, NC–The sexual identity of Super Bowl viewer Henry Bracken was challenged Sunday, when a slow-motion instant replay showed the sinewy buttocks of Baltimore Ravens running back Jamal Lewis undulating hypnotically through his high-sheen spandex pants. Bracken, 41, was watching the game at his Albemarle home when he became momentarily transfixed by the sight of Lewis' gluteal musculature rippling explosively as the player made a sharp cut to avoid a tackler. "I ain't gay," said Bracken upon snapping out of the trance, during which he tried not to notice the lines of Lewis' jock strap framing his powerful, magnificently sculpted ass. "I just ain't."

Celebrity Couples Are Breaking Up!

Item! It's not just Oscar season, it's also break-up season! Among the Hollywood couples packing up their belongings and moving to Splitsville are Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin. Rumors have it that both of them were unhappy with the other's ballooning weight, so they decided to split before the situation got worse. For a while, this couple had it all: looks, money, and a commitment to numerous important causes. But, like so many Hollywood clouds, this one had a dark lining.

Rock's First Billionaire

With a net worth estimated at $1.07 billion, Paul McCartney recently became the word's first billionaire pop star. Among the former Beatle's holdings:

Finest Opera Singer Of Her Generation Unknown By Her Generation

NEW YORK–Alessandra Coletti, the 22-year-old mezzo-soprano sensation, has stunned opera-loving octogenarians around the globe with her astonishing range, power, and upper-register control. Touted as the greatest female opera singer of her generation, the Milan-born, New York-bred Coletti is completely unknown among members of her generation.

Area Man Proudly Accepts Exit-Row Responsibilities

CHICAGO–Air traveler Lynn Paschal feels physically and mentally ready to fulfill the duties of an exit-row passenger should tragedy strike United Airlines Flight 234 en route to Atlanta's Hartsfield International Airport, sources close to the 34-year-old confirmed Monday.

Metric System Thriving In Nation's Inner Cities

WASHINGTON, DC–Despite other academic shortcomings, inner-city youths possess a firmer grasp of the metric system than their peers in suburban and rural areas, according to a Department Of Education study released Monday.
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Marilyn Manson Now Going Door-To-Door Trying To Shock People

OVERLAND PARK, KS–Stung by flagging album sales and Eminem's supplanting him as Middle America's worst nightmare, shock rocker Marilyn Manson has embarked on a door-to-door tour of suburbia in a desperate, last-ditch effort to shock and offend average Americans.

Manson knocks on a door in Grosse Pointe Farms, MI.

Accompanied by bandmates Twiggy Ramirez, Madonna Wayne Gacy, and Zim Zum, Manson kicked off his 50-city "Boo" tour Jan. 26 in Overland Park, a conservative, middle-class suburb of Kansas City.

"When we first laid eyes on Overland Park, with its neat little frame houses, immaculately landscaped lawns, and SUVs in the driveways, we couldn't wait to swoop down on it like the Black Death," said Manson, born Brian Warner in Canton, OH. "We were like, 'Welcome to our nightmare, you bloated, pustulent pigs.'"

Last Friday at 4 p.m., Mark Wesley, 46, a resident of Overland Park's exclusive Maple Bluff subdivision, heard the sound of "animal-like shrieking" coming from the vicinity of his front lawn. Upon opening his front door, he was greeted by the sight of a pale and shirtless Manson carving a pentagram into his chest with a razor blade.

"Look at me, suburban dung," Manson told Wesley. "Does this shock you?"

When Wesley replied no, he said Manson became "petulant." Recalled Wesley: "He started stamping his feet and shaking his fists, saying, 'What do you mean no? Aren't your uptight, puritanical sensibilities offended? Don't you want to censor me so you don't have to confront the ugly truth I represent?' So I say, 'Well, not particularly.' Then, after a long pause, he says, 'Well, screw you, jerk!' and walks off sulking."

That evening, Linda Schmidt was preparing to drive her daughter Alyssa to a Girl Scouts meeting when she found Manson standing on her porch draped in sheep entrails.

"I knew who he was, but I was kind of busy and didn't really have time to chat," Schmidt said. "He just kept standing there staring at me, expecting me to react in some way."

Added Schmidt: "I tried to be nice and humor him a little. I said, 'Yesiree, that sure is some shocking satanic imagery, no doubt about it. And that one eye with no color in the pupil, very disturbing. I'd sure like to suppress that.' I mean, what do you say to Marilyn Manson?"

A deflated Manson remained on Schmidt's porch as she and Alyssa drove off.

Subsequent attempts to provoke outrage were met with equal indifference.

"[Manson] was standing at my front door wearing those fake breasts he wore on the cover of Mechanical Animals," retiree Judith Hahn said. "He said, 'My name is Marilyn Manson, and I'm here to tear your little world apart.' I thought he was collecting for the Kiwanis food drive, so I gave him some cans of pumpkin-pie filling."

Undaunted, Manson and his entourage stepped up their assault on mainstream American sensibilities. On Tuesday, they arrived in the tiny Detroit suburb of Grosse Pointe Farms, where stockbroker Glenn Binford answered his doorbell to find Manson hanging upside-down on a wooden cross as Ramirez performed fellatio on him.

"I just stood there thinking, now there's a boy who tries way too hard," Binford said. "I mean, come on: Homoerotic sacrilege went out in the late '90s."

Other provocative acts by Manson–including dismembering a chicken, bathing in pig's blood, and wearing a three-piece suit of human noses–failed to arouse anyone's ire, instead prompting comments such as "sophomoric," "trite," and "so Alice Cooper."

Manson's lone brush with controversy occurred in Edina, MN, a suburb of Minneapolis. An unidentified neighborhood-watch volunteer phoned police after seeing a nude, feces-smeared Manson being led around on a leash by a dwarf dominatrix. Officers arrived on the scene, but let Manson go with a warning for parading without a city permit.

A dejected Marilyn Manson ponders his next move.

"I could have given him a citation, but I figured, how much harm is he really causing?" Edina Police Officer Dan Herberger said. "I mean, he's just Marilyn Manson, for the love of Mike."

The "Boo" tour was dealt a further blow when Manson learned that Eminem's The Marshall Mathers LP had been banned from all Kmart stores. Manson's current album, Holy Wood (In The Shadow Of The Valley Of Death), is still available.

"Why are all you people outraged by Eminem? He's not scary!" Manson said. "He doesn't sport ghoulishly pale skin or wear gender-bending make-up. He's just some regular guy. I'm the one who people should be terrified by, not him! Me!"

"If you ban me," Manson continued, "I promise to rail against censorship and hypocrisy. Please? Pretty, pretty please?"

By Monday, the tour appeared to have lost all momentum. Sources close to Manson described him as "exhausted and discouraged," despite not having even completed the first leg of the three-month tour. By the time he arrived in Hoffman Estates, IL, Manson had resorted to leaving flaming bags of dog feces on doorsteps and shining a flashlight under his chin to make himself look "spooky." He was ultimately chased from a Hoffman Estates subdivision by a group of bicycle-riding teenagers who advised him to "get [his] chalk-white goblin ass" out of their neighborhood.

On Friday, Manson is slated to appear in Bethesda, MD, where many believe he will bring his tour to a premature end.

"Have you people forgotten already?" Manson told The Washington Post. "You all thought I was responsible for Columbine two years ago. Well, I was! I was! I know I vehemently denied it at the time, but, really, I personally told those two kids to shoot up the school. I'm serious. I sent them an e-mail. And I told them to worship Satan, too. You hear that, kids? Marilyn Manson says you should shoot your friends in the head with a gun! And everyone should eat babies! And rape their dead grandparents! And poop on a church! There, now will someone please be offended?"