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Starbucks To Begin Sinister 'Phase Two' Of Operation

• Attempts Made To Enjoy Sake

  ISSUE 37•09 | 03.14.01 | News

  ST. PAUL, MN–Determined to gain an appreciation for the fermented Japanese rice drink, Chris Gibson and girlfriend Valerie Estes made a fourth attempt to enjoy sake Saturday. more»

  

• No Jennifer Lopez News Today

  ISSUE 37•09 | 03.14.01 | News

  NEW YORK—Despite Hurculean efforts to find any scraps of J. Lo information, reporters conceded that there is no Jennifer Lopez news today. more»

  

• Area Man Less Capable Than Own Watch

  ISSUE 37•09 | 03.14.01 | News

  SANTA FE, NM—According to coworkers, Len Halicki has less features than his wristwatch. more»

  

• God Loses Decision-Making Coin

  ISSUE 37•09 | 03.14.01 | News in Brief

  HEAVEN–God confirmed Monday that He has misplaced His special decision-making coin. "I have no idea where I put it," a visibly distraught God said of the coin, which He has used for more than four billion years to determine everything from the direction of breezes to genocides. "I remember flipping it last night for [Monroe, MI, couple Mark and Patti Brenton's] attempt at conception, but I haven't seen it since." God said He hopes to locate the coin before 7:15 a.m. Thursday, when United Flight 251 takes off from Seattle with actress Dixie Carter on board. more»

• Women's Prison Riot Feels Gratuitous

  ISSUE 37•09 | 03.14.01 | News in Brief

  DECATUR, GA–Monday's full-scale riot at the Georgia Women's Correctional Facility is being derided by witnesses as "contrived" and "blatantly designed to pander to prurient interests." "It's obvious that this was just a thinly veiled excuse to have women claw at each other and tear each other's shirts off," Decatur resident Charles Fenig said of the inmate uprising, during which one guard was fatally stabbed and six others held hostage for more than three hours. "I expect more from our women's prisons than this sort of cheap, exploitative 'caged heat.'" Critics also panned prison warden Barb Hofstadt, calling her "a textbook sadistic, bull-dyke warden straight out of central casting." more»

• Insufferable Prick Distinctly Said No Cilantro

  ISSUE 37•09 | 03.14.01 | News in Brief

  NEW YORK–Dan Carswell, a 31-year-old Fidelity Investments commodities trader and unbelievable asshole, distinctly told his Aquavit server Tuesday that he did not want cilantro on his avocado salad. "I have to be downtown for a meeting in 30 minutes," the fucking cockbiter told waitress Natalie Elson while handing back the salad. "Could we please get it right this time?" The colossal shit went on to exhibit his displeasure by leaving a four percent tip. more»

• Dubious Inclusions Damage Credibility Of Entire Record Collection

  ISSUE 37•09 | 03.14.01 | News in Brief

  HAMMOND, IN–The credibility of 26-year-old Jeff Gaskill's record collection is badly damaged by the inclusion of several albums of dubious artistic merit, friend Rob Appel reported Monday. "He's got tons of awesome stuff, everything from [X-Ray Spex's] Germ Free Adolescents to [Al Green's] Call Me," Appel said of the 750-plus CD library. "But then, smack-dab in between The Pogues' Rum, Sodomy & The Lash and Portishead's Dummy is Poison's Greatest Hits." Continued Appel: "Before I could ask him what the hell it was doing there, I spot Hell Freezes Over by The Eagles. That record alone negates the coolness of Brian Eno's Here Come The Warm Jets and The Flying Burrito Brothers' The Gilded Palace Of Sin." more»

• Mockingbird Imitates Car Alarm Perfectly

  ISSUE 37•09 | 03.14.01 | News in Brief

  HOUSTON–In an unsettling development for the natural world, a mockingbird was heard perfectly mimicking a car alarm Monday. "I heard this strange song coming from a mockingbird in a big spruce across the street from St. Luke's Hospital," bird watcher Bob Ausmus said. "After a minute or two, I realized it was one of those multi-sound car alarms–he did the staccato one, the slowly rising one, the buzzing one. He must have picked it up from one of the BMWs in the parking lot." Ornithologists predict that the alarm song will spread to millions of birds and be handed down for centuries to come. more»

• The Meat-Substitute Boom

  ISSUE 37•09 | 03.14.01 | Infographic

  With vegetarianism on the rise and beef scares in Europe, soy-based meat substitutes are a booming industry. What are some of the most popular items amount meat-shunning Americans? more»

  

• Horoscope for the week of March 14, 2001

  ISSUE 37•09 | 03.14.01 | Horoscope

  There's a lot to be said for self-improvement, but making yourself more aerodynamic is probably a waste of time. more»

• Least-Recommended Toilet-Training Books For Children

  ISSUE 37•09 | 03.14.01 | Statshot

  

• VCR Fast-Forwarded With Toe

  ISSUE 37•09 | 03.14.01 | News in Photos

  

• Real-Life Pepe Le Pew Rapes Cat

  ISSUE 37•09 | 03.14.01 | News in Photos

  

• I Have A Way With 25- To 34-Year-Old College-Educated Women Making $30,000 To $50,000 Per Year

  ISSUE 37•09 | 03.14.01 | Commentary

  I hate to brag, but there's just something about me that drives single, upwardly mobile, college-educated women between the ages of 25 and 34 wild. more»

• Ask An Intro To A Fox Trot Cartoon Collection

  ISSUE 37•09 | 03.14.01 | Advice

  Introduction, Fox Trot: The Works is an advice columnist whose syndicated column, Ask An Intro To A Fox Trot Cartoon Collection appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide. more»

• Toy-Buying Tips For Parents

  ISSUE 37•09 | 03.14.01 | Tips

  Not all toys are created equal. Here are some tips to help you choose playthings for your children that are safe and educational: more»

  

• Dick Cheney's Heart

  ISSUE 37•09 | 03.14.01 | American Voices

  Last week, vice-president Dick Cheney, a four-time heart-attack victim, underwent angioplasty surgery. What do you think about his heart problems? more»

• Downturn In Economy Forces CEO To Reduce Own Pay Raise By Five Percent

• Third Shoe Somehow Drops