New Dog Sick Of Being Compared To Old One

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Issue 3717

Guy On Racetrack P.A. Sounds A Little Depressed Today

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY–Gordon Asheton, public-address announcer at Saratoga Racetrack, seemed a bit distant Monday, track regular Brad Herman reported. "Usually, [Asheton]'s totally enthusiastic, firing up the crowd," Herman said. "But today, after he said, 'And they're off,' there was kind of a pause and a heavy sigh before he gave the running order. When he announced Daddy's Little Prizefighter as the winner, he barely seemed to care. I hope everything's okay at home."

Health-Food-Store Worker Dies Of Vitamin Lung

SAUSALITO, CA–Duane Cristopher, longtime manager of the Brooks Street Health Food Co-op, died Sunday following a three-month battle with vitamin lung. "Decades of inhaling a trace dust of vitamin supplements caused particles to accumulate over time in his lungs, ultimately cutting off his oxygen supply," said Dr. Arthur Washington, Christopher's physician. "We also suspect bee pollen may have been a factor." At Christopher's funeral Tuesday, family and friends commented admiringly on how natural the 57-year-old's body looked.

Man Nods Knowingly At Mechanic

GREENSBORO, NC–Attempting to conceal his ignorance of car repair, area resident Dave Snell, 39, nodded knowingly Monday as mechanic Bill Kreuter explained the precise nature of Snell's automotive problem. "He was telling me that the car had, like, a faulty alternator plug," Snell said. "So, you know, that's something that definitely needs to be fixed." Snell said his risky bluff almost backfired when Kreuter asked him how he gaps his plugs, to which Snell responded, "About the usual amount."

Child Lies For Parents' Own Good

CONCORD, NH–Area 9-year-old Andrew Mota lied to his parents Monday, telling them that he was at the park after school and sparing them the unpleasant truth that he was setting off fireworks at the quarry with friends. "[Parents] Patrick and Adrienne are very fragile emotionally," Mota said. "Telling them something like that would only cause them undue stress." He added that he may tell them one day when he is older.

North Dakota Drinks Itself To Sleep Again

BISMARCK, ND–Exhausted from another hard day in the wheat fields, the state of North Dakota drank itself to sleep Monday with the bottle of Old Thompson it keeps hidden in Fargo. "Oh, they've been doing this a lot lately," South Dakota Gov. William Janklow said. "Every night, they fall asleep on their respective couches with the local TV stations on all night." Janklow expressed concern about waking the state, as North Dakota is known for its violent outbursts when hung over.

Beer Commercials Aren't What They Used To Be

In these modern times, the concept of workmanship, of taking pride in one's craft, has gone the way of Nagel paintings, the Thompson Twins, and Vision Street Wear. And nowhere is this more evident than in the sorry state of our beer commercials.

Kerrey's Secret Shame

Last week, former senator Bob Kerrey admitted that a raid he led in the Vietnam War resulted in the deaths of at least 13 unarmed women and children. What do you think?

Site Of Fatal Auto Accident Tritely Commemorated

MOUND CITY, KS–A ribbon of blacktop called Highway 52 runs through the heart of this tiny eastern Kansas town. Not much distinguishes this road from countless others, except for the violent, head-on collision that, on the evening of April 24, claimed the lives of five people from the town of Mound City.
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New Dog Sick Of Being Compared To Old One

PRESTON, MO–Patches, the Layden family's new dog, expressed frustration Monday over the constant comparisons to his predecessor, who died in February. "No matter what I do, I can't escape the long shadow cast by Sneakers," the five-month-old Patches said. "I go for a walk, I hear about the way Sneakers went for walks. I chew on the rug, I hear about the way Sneakers chewed on rugs. They need to realize that I can't be Sneakers."

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