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Wal-Mart Opens Store In Winesburg, Ohio

• Dot-Commers To Receive Unemployment Benefits In Form Of Stock Options

  ISSUE 37•20 | 05.30.01 | News

  WASHINGTON, DC–Offering unemployment aid with "a huge potential upside" to the approximately 100,000 Americans who lost their jobs in the New Economy collapse, the government's new eBenefits stock-option plan is proving wildly popular among dot-commers. more»

  

• Bush Actually President, Nation Suddenly Realizes

  ISSUE 37•20 | 05.30.01 | News

  WASHINGTON, DC–More than four months after his Jan. 20 inauguration, the realization that George W. Bush is actually president of the United States finally hit the American people this week. more»

  

• Best Friends Each Secretly Think Of The Other As Sidekick

  ISSUE 37•20 | 05.30.01 | News

  OXFORD, OH—Though neither has openly acknowledged it, Marc Morrell and Justin Rotham each regard the other as a sidekick. more»

  

• Hidden Valley Ranch Bombed By Balsamic Extremists

  ISSUE 37•20 | 05.30.01 | News in Brief

  HIDDEN VALLEY, CA–A radical Balsamic fundamentalist group detonated an estimated 800 pounds of TNT at the Hidden Valley Ranch compound Monday, killing 11 and injuring dozens more. "Let no salad again be foully tainted by the corrupt regime of Hidden Valley," said Martin Pulaski, leader of the Nation Of Balsam, in a statement claiming responsibility for the deadly attack. "We shall not rest until every salad's flavor is enhanced by a light and tangy vinaigrette, not buried in a shameful avalanche of buttermilk." more»

• Longtime Sexual Fantasy Awkwardly Fulfilled

  ISSUE 37•20 | 05.30.01 | News in Brief

  LEXINGTON, KY–The longtime sexual fantasy of Andrew Marcone was awkwardly fulfilled Saturday, when the local record-store clerk participated in a clumsy, embarrassing menage a trois with girlfriend Karen Wagner and her roommate Shelley Peelen. "Well, I finally did it, for what it's worth," said Marcone, 27, following the long-dreamed-of sexual encounter, six minutes into which he ejaculated. "So much for wondering what it would be like, I guess." After achieving orgasm, Marcone spent the next half hour "trying not to get in the way" of his companions. more»

• America A Fascist Police State, Stoned Underage Drunk Driver Charges

  ISSUE 37•20 | 05.30.01 | News in Brief

  SMYRNA, GA–Outraged by the brutal suppression of civil liberties that has defined the nation's history, stoned 15-year-old Corey Shifflett denounced America as a "total fascist police state" following his drunk-driving arrest Saturday. "This whole country is, like, totally Hitlered-out," Shifflett told friend Glen Withers, who posted his $500 bail. "These cops, they're just looking for any excuse to pull us over and hassle us, just to feel like fuckin' Superman." Shifflett then knocked over an orange highway cone and vowed to move to Amsterdam. more»

• Mediocre Painter's True Talent Lies In Acting Like A Painter

  ISSUE 37•20 | 05.30.01 | News in Brief

  LOS ANGELES–According to art critics, mediocre painter James Augustiniak has proven masterful at cultivating the self-centered, womanizing demeanor of an art-world enfant terrible. "Augustiniak's latest exhibition, featuring dozens of paintings of melting eyeballs and hearts, was a staggering achievement in clichéd, pseudo-pretentious banality," said Los Angeles Times art critic Christopher Knight. "But I went anyway, just to see him throw a fit over the lighting in the gallery. He's very good at that sort of thing." more»

• Average Age Of Wacky TV Neighbors Dropping

  ISSUE 37•20 | 05.30.01 | News in Brief

  ATLANTA–According to a Center For Media Studies report released Monday, the average age of wacky TV-sitcom neighbors has steadily declined over the past half-century. "In the '50s, during the days of Ed Norton and Fred and Ethel Mertz, the median age was a mature 53," the report read. "By the late '70s and early '80s, with the likes of Larry on Three's Company, Monroe on Too Close For Comfort, and Lenny and Squiggy on Laverne & Shirley, the average had dropped to 36. Today, the wacky-neighbor landscape is dominated by twentysomethings, typified by Jack on Will & Grace and all the friends on Friends." At the present rate, the report added, wacky TV neighbors will primarily be toddlers by 2015. more»

• Pearl Harbor's Historical Innacuracies

  ISSUE 37•20 | 05.30.01 | Infographic

  Pearl Harbor, the Jerry Bruckheimer blockbuster that opened May 25, is no 100 percent historically accurate. What are some of its flaws? more»

  

• Horoscope for the week of May 30, 2001

  ISSUE 37•20 | 05.30.01 | Horoscope

  You're known to all as a person who doesn't bother hiding her feeling. That's not a typo. You've only got one. more»

• Why Aren't We Able To Feel Anything In Our Toes?

  ISSUE 37•20 | 05.30.01 | Statshot

  

• Promotional Jacket Worn Everywhere

  ISSUE 37•20 | 05.30.01 | News in Photos

  

• Destiny's Child Referred To As 'Feminist Icons' With Straight Face

  ISSUE 37•20 | 05.30.01 | News in Photos

  more»

  

• Just Being Neighborly

  ISSUE 37•20 | 05.30.01 | Commentary

  You know, you'd think a genuine people-person like me would have friends coming out the wazoo. But other than Patti and Fulgencio, and my two sweet kitties Priscilla and Garfield, I don't have a whole heck of a lot of buddies. I've never understood it: I'm always eager to initiate a conversation (even with a complete stranger), I'm always smiling, and I'm ever-ready to lend a helping hand or shoulder to cry on. I'm serious! If any of you Jeanketeers out there ever need a favor, just let me know. Heck, if you're real nice, I'll even help out with the housework! (Only, I don't do windows–ha ha ha!) more»

• There's More To Life Than Just Traveling The World And Marveling At Its Varied Peoples And Cultures

  ISSUE 37•20 | 05.30.01 | Commentary

  I guess we inherit a certain worldview from our parents. My father was a reporter for National Geographic, and my mother was the photographer on his assignments. We spent 11 months out of the year seeing the world and taking in its various wonders. Since that's the way I was raised, I just figured that's what families do; that's how life is lived. more»

• The Jeffords Defection

  ISSUE 37•20 | 05.30.01 | American Voices

  Last week, U.S. Sen. James Jeffords of Vermont left the GOP to become an independent, handing control of the Senate to the Democrats. What do you think? more»

• Modern-Day Jesus Says He'll Come Back To Fix Everything But Never Does