Northern Irish, Serbs, Hutus Granted Homeland In West Bank

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Issue 3723

Robbie Krieger Goes 51 Minutes Without Mentioning Jim Morrison

LOS ANGELES–In his longest-such stretch since 1982, Doors guitarist Robbie Krieger went 51 minutes Monday without mentioning former bandmate Jim Morrison. "When Jim was around, anything could happen. Anything," Krieger told friend Bob Gale before unexpectedly detouring into a Morrison-free conversation about his car, a restaurant his cousin manages, and the recent L.A. mayoral election. The streak ended when, without prompting, Krieger said: "You know, despite his reputation, Jim was a genuinely friendly, approachable guy." Krieger then told the story of the time Morrison was arrested for indecent exposure in Miami for the 8,194th time.

Nepotism Passed Off As Synergy

WHITEHOUSE STATION, NJ–The hiring of Adam Dwyer by Merck Pharmaceutical was described Monday by CEO James Dwyer as "tremendously synergistic." "With his impressive range of experiences, including one and a half years of bartending and four years of heavy pharmaceutical use at the University of Delaware, Adam brings a lot to the table," Dwyer said of his nephew. "We, in turn, can help Adam earn $220,000 a year as vice-president of corporate communications for the Mid-Atlantic region."

Resident Of Three Years Decries Neighborhood's Recent Gentrification

CHICAGO–Bruce Smales, a three-year resident of Chicago's Wicker Park neighborhood, lashed out Monday against encroaching gentrification. "See that big Barnes & Noble on the corner? You better believe that wasn't there back in '98," said Smales, 34, a finance manager with Accenture. "This whole place is turning into Yuppieville. You can't throw a rock without hitting a couple in matching Ralph Lauren baseball caps walking a black lab." Smales then took his golden lab for a walk.

Sony Brings Shame To My Profession!

The Japanese do a lot of things better than us Americans, like making cars and preparing sushi. Well, now you can add to that list fabricating bogus movie reviews! It would seem that Sony Pictures couldn't find a real reviewer to say that Tales Of The Knights star Heath Ledger is a red-hot hunk, so they made one up! Why would they do that when I would have been more than happy to go on record saying that Ledger scorches the screen? (He does!) And, as for the movie itself, it's a whale of a tale, not to mention a non-stop thrill ride! There certainly was no need for Sony to resort to deception. It's things like this that hurt the credibility of all the honest entertainment journalists out there.

Bush Trying To Decide How To Spend His Tax Refund

WASHINGTON, DC–Four days after signing a $1.35 trillion tax-cut bill, George W. Bush spent Monday trying to decide how he will spend his $300 refund check. "Maybe I'll buy some new wireless speakers," said the excited president, flipping through a Sharper Image catalog. "Or maybe I could get this massage chair." After noting the massage chair's $720 price tag, Bush said he "wouldn't rule out" passing an additional $1.9 trillion cut to get the extra $420.

The New Di Biography

Princess Diana, who would have turned 40 on July 1, is the subject of a new biography. Among the revelations in Diana: Story Of A Princess:

Product Awareness Increased With 'Advertisement'

PHILADELPHIA–Ushering in a new era of informed consumer purchasing, GlaxoSmithKline Monday unveiled an "advertisement," a paid announcement designed to educate the public on which products will best serve its needs.

Video Store's 'Favorites' Shelf Offers Telling Glimpse Into Manager's Psyche

ITHACA, NY–The "Favorites" shelf at King Street Video offers insight into the psyche of store manager Bruce Gannon, psychiatrists concurred Monday. "Gannon reveals much about himself with his picks," said Dr. Miles Levinson of Cornell University. "Deliverance, A Clockwork Orange, Lolita, Blue Velvet, Eraserhead, Natural Born Killers, Caligula... Apparently, he couldn't even find room for one film that does not contain sodomy, incest, or torture." Dr. Levinson recommended therapy and antidepressants for Gannon.

Pet-Care Tips

Animals need more than just TLC to thrive. Here are some tips to help keep your pet healthy and happy for years to come:
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Special Coverage



Northern Irish, Serbs, Hutus Granted Homeland In West Bank

UNITED NATIONS–In a bold gambit hoped to resolve dozens of conflicts around the world, the U.N. announced Monday the establishment of Ethniklashistan, a multinational haven in the West Bank that will serve as a new homeland for Irish Protestants, Hutus, Serbs, and other troubled groups.

An ethnographic map of the new Homeland.

"For far too long, these groups have been locked in prolonged strife with their former neighbors, unable to achieve a lasting peace," U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan said. "Now that these various peoples have a new homeland where they can find refuge, all the years of fighting and bloodshed can finally be put behind them."

Former Serbian leader Slobodan Milosevic, now presiding over a Serb settlement near the Jordanian border, was optimistic about the future. "All Muslim scum must die," he said. "Death to all enemies of Serbian purity!"

The various groups, transported to Ethniklashistan by a massive U.N. airlift, will share their new homeland with the roughly two million Palestinians and Israeli settlers who currently occupy the region. U.N. officials say the West Bank site was chosen for its centralized location, opportunities for tourism, and comfortable desert climate. These factors, combined with the already diverse cultural, ethnic, and religious composition of the area, offer "a unique opportunity for many international groups to live together in peace."

"This is truly a win-win situation," U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell said. "War-ravaged peoples from all over the world finally have a place they can feel safe. And, for the Palestinians and Israelis already there, the presence of additional ethnicities should reduce any pre-existing stresses. Arabs and Jews will enjoy exposure to a glorious, multiethnic stew, and they will, in turn, have the opportunity to lead by example, serving as role models of peaceful coexistence."

Hutu leader Kagabo Ndadaye, who between 1994 and 1996 personally oversaw the machete deaths of more than 10,000 Tutsi Rwandans, echoed the positive outlook. "The glorious Hutu are the one pure race," said Ndadaye, speaking from a Hutu settlement near Hebron while eyeing a nearby Kurdish settlement. "All inferior mongrel peoples shall be put to the blade."

Though hopes are high for Ethniklashistan–a name created by a team of linguists who combined 17 different languages' words for "sanctuary"–the establishment of the new homeland has proven rocky. Of the more than 500,000 people relocated there so far, approximately 97 percent have responded with violent resistance, swearing oaths of eternal vengeance against U.N. volunteers conducting the forced relocations.

Scenes from the new nation.

Bloodshed also marred the "Festival Of Human Brotherhood," a weeklong, nationwide event celebrating the founding of Ethniklashistan. On Monday, 11 people were killed in a skirmish between Basques and Sikhs near Nablus. The same day, six were killed and dozens injured on the streets of Bethlehem when Somalis and Greek Cypriots exchanged gunfire and grenades.

Dozens of shifting alliances have added to the confusion and chaos. In a pre-dawn border raid Monday, Burmese Karen rebels attacked a Tamil settlement. By late afternoon, the Karens were driven back by the Tamils, who were newly armed with Israeli anti-personnel missiles smuggled into the West Bank by Zionist fundamentalists who had allied themselves–some say only as a temporary ruse–with the Tamils.

On Tuesday, guerrilla fighters made up of an uneasy Palestinian-Papuan alliance attacked an Irish Protestant church near the Golan Heights, killing 121 Irish worshippers with nerve gas before being repelled by a nearby faction of Protestant-sympathizing Zapatista rebels from the Chiapas region of Mexico.

The violence continued that evening, when the severed heads of 20 Chechens were paraded through the streets of Jericho by Azerbaijani extremists. The killings are thought to be in retaliation for rocket attacks by a band of pro-Armenian Chechen rebels, who have thus far evaded Azerbaijani attempts to flush them out of their encampments in the hills with prolonged shelling.

Alarmed by the new nation's growing pains, world leaders have launched a large-scale international-aid effort to help Ethniklashistan get on its feet. Great Britain has pledged 12,000 peacekeeping troops, vowing to "pummel with rubber bullets, tear gas, and billy clubs anyone who dares threaten the Sons of Ulster." China has pledged 40,000 soldiers to supervise the 2,000-plus Tibetan Buddhists relocated to the region. Indonesia, Cambodia, Nigeria, and Afghanistan have also sent troops.

"There is always a period of transition and upheaval in the founding of a new government," President Bush said. "That is why an international humanitarian consortium of nations, including the U.S., France, Russia, Iraq, and North Korea, has pledged $2 trillion in military aid to the new nation. This way, all Ethniklashistanis, regardless of race, color, creed, or economic background, will have equal access to the state-of-the-art ordnance they need to defend themselves and their families during this initial period of instability."

Encouraged by such aid efforts, experts are confident that a lasting peace can soon be established among the rival Ethniklashistani groups.

"When you take that many long-suffering, war-torn groups and put them in the same place, how can you not have peace?" asked former president Jimmy Carter, who will lead talks among the various Ethniklashistani groups. "This hatred cannot possibly last long."