Street-Smart Teen Dies In Library

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Issue 3724

Dodgers' Playoff Hopes Dashed Following Acquisition Of Belly Itcher

LOS ANGELES–Trailing the first-place Arizona Diamondbacks by three games in the National League West, the Los Angeles Dodgers dealt their own playoff chances a major blow Monday when they acquired belly itcher Shane Lesko from the Montreal Expos. "They're done for," said an unnamed NL general manager following the deal. "The Dodgers could have put themselves in terrific position for the stretch run by signing one more pitcher, but instead, they go and sign this guy." The general manager called it the worst move since the New York Mets' June 10 trade of pitcher John Franco to the Houston Astros for a glass of water.

The New Planet Of The Apes

Hitting theaters July 27, Planet Of The Apes, Tim Burton's update of the 1968 classic, is generating major buzz. What are people saying about the new film?

U.S. To Slow Down Relationship With Uruguay

WASHINGTON, DC–Explaining that it is still a relatively young nation and not ready for a permanent trade partner, the U.S. announced Monday that it plans to slow down its relationship with Uruguay. "Don't get me wrong, Uruguay is great," President Bush said. "It's just that things have been moving along a little too quickly ever since we signed that bilateral tariff-reduction pact in March. They were always calling up about a treaty or an aid package and, well, it just got to be a little too much." Bush said the U.S. would love to remain "just allies" with Uruguay while pursuing relations with other nations.

Elderly Couple Dresses Up For Trip To Denny's

VERO BEACH, FL–Wishing to look nice for their evening out, Vero Beach retirees Abe and Bernice Wanamaker dressed up Monday for dinner at a local Denny's. "I think I'm going to put on my light-blue slacks before we go," said Abe, taking off the shorts he'd been wearing all afternoon while sitting in the backyard. "And the brown Hush Puppies." Bernice chose to wear her good yellow dress, which she had not worn since a March 22 trip to Lums.

I Am The Anonymous Hero Who Donated All Those Old Legwarmers To Goodwill

For months, I have remained silent, desiring no recognition or acclaim for my altruism. Now, however, I feel it is time for me to step forward and admit to my magnanimous deed, only in the hope that I might inspire others to act so selflessly. Yes, I am the anonymous hero who donated all those old legwarmers to Goodwill.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage



  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Street-Smart Teen Dies In Library

CHICAGO–Street-smart teen Larry Witherspoon was found dead Monday at the Michigan Avenue branch of the Chicago Public Library, his urban know-how useless to him in the unfamiliar environment. "Unfortunately, the skills Larry had developed on the mean streets of Chicago's South Side did him no good in a place like this," librarian Mary Ross said. "Hypothetically, he could have located a book on library survival skills, had he known what the Dewey Decimal system was and how to use it."