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Bush Finds Error In Fermilab Calculations

• Video-Game Character Wondering Why Heartless God Always Chooses 'Continue'

  ISSUE 37•26 | 08.01.01 | News

  ORANGEBURG, SC—Solid Snake does not know why God deems it necessary for him to endlessly repeat his mission. more»

  

• Out-Of-Work P.R. Exec Has Great Things To Say About Unemployment

  ISSUE 37•26 | 08.01.01 | News

  IRVINE, CA—Josh Wallace is calling his current jobless status “an exciting opportunity to reassess my direction in life.” more»

  

• Fast-Food Purchase Seething With Unspoken Class Conflict

  ISSUE 37•26 | 08.01.01 | News

  HUNTINGTON BEACH, CA—Resentment, anger, and pity were the emotions mutually felt by Burger King employee Duane Hesketh and customer Robert Lalley. more»

  

• 3822 Voted America's Favorite PIN Number

  ISSUE 46•26 ISSUE 37•26 | 08.01.01 | News in Brief

  NEW YORK–Narrowly edging out 7135, 3822 is the nation's favorite personal-identification number, according to the August issue of Money. "Random-seeming yet easy to remember, 3822 is the 'PIN that's in' for 2001 and beyond," read a cover story revealing the results of the publication's "2001 Money PIN Poll." "I've never gone wrong punching in 3822," Harrisburg, PA, retiree Nancy Polk said. "Whether I'm withdrawing money for my hip medication or taking out a big chunk of my life savings for a casino trip, 3822 is the number that gets me there." more»

• Just A Stay-In-Bed Kind Of Day, Fire Department Declares

  ISSUE 37•26 | 08.01.01 | News in Brief

  ALBANY, NY–Citing inclement weather and a general "blah" feeling among the firefighters, Albany fire chief Martin Brundle declared Monday "just a lazy, stay-in-bed kind of day." "We've been working hard all year," said Brundle, speaking from his firehouse cot. "Our men deserve a day to just lie around and watch TV, and maybe order some pizza in the afternoon." The department's outgoing answering-machine message advised citizens of the greater Albany area to "call back tomorrow." more»

• Few Animals Harmed In Making Of Film

  ISSUE 37•26 | 08.01.01 | News in Brief

  HOLLYWOOD, CA–Producers of the upcoming Sony Pictures historical epic Genghis Khan assured animal-rights activists Monday that "practically no animals were harmed in the making of the film." "The Humane Society and SPCA will be pleased to know that, of the 1,600-plus horses used in Khan's climactic battle sequence, almost none were injured," executive producer David Shell said. "And of those, only a small handful sustained injuries that could be categorized as, you know, serious." Shell noted that the albino Siberian tiger used as the beloved pet of Genghis Khan's enemy "probably would have eventually been beheaded in nature, anyway." more»

• Non-Alcoholic Beer Inventor Unveils New Non-Adhesive Glue

  ISSUE 37•26 | 08.01.01 | News in Brief

  ST. LOUIS–Hot on the heels of his successful line of non-curative medicines, non-alcoholic-beer inventor Thomas O'Doul unveiled "Elmer's Slick," a glue that looks and feels like ordinary white glue but has no adhesive properties. "Say goodbye to your fingers getting all stuck together, just because you want to glue things," O'Doul said at a press conference Monday. "With Elmer's Slick, you can enjoy gluing without all the messy adhesiveness." O'Doul said he next plans to develop a flame-retardant gasoline and the world's first gelatinous construction lumber. more»

• Area Love Knows Only Court-Ordered Bounds

  ISSUE 37•26 | 08.01.01 | News in Brief

  COLUMBUS, OH–The passionate love felt by Columbus resident Jonathan Duffy for Ohio State University graduate student Danielle Graves can be stopped by no force outside the ruling of Fifth Circuit Court Judge Harlan Jameson, Duffy said Monday. "Wild horses cannot drag me away from the 100-yard perimeter I've carefully measured around her property," said Duffy, finishing a collage of photos of Graves walking to and from classes, watering her lawn, and ducking behind neighbors' houses. "No court-appointed psychiatrist can medicate away the love a man feels for his spirit bride." more»

• Honoring The King of Pop

  ISSUE 37•26 | 08.01.01 | Infographic

  On Sept. 7, ‘N Sync, Britney Spears, Destiny’s Child, and other superstars will gather at Madison Square Garden for a concert paying tribute to Michael Jackson. What is planned for the event? more»

  

• Horoscope for the week of August 1, 2001

  ISSUE 37•26 | 08.01.01 | Horoscope

  Your children will grow up in a world very different from the one you live in, thanks to a lucrative deal you will soon make with the Rigellians. more»

• Top-Selling Fragrances

  ISSUE 37•26 | 08.01.01 | Statshot

  

• Gay Comptroller Tired Of Being Referred To As 'That Gay Comptroller'

  ISSUE 44•26 ISSUE 37•26 | 08.01.01 | News in Photos

  

• Steve Allen: Gone, Forgotten

  ISSUE 37•26 | 08.01.01 | News in Photos

  

• I Could Write A Better Rubaiyat Than That Khayyam Dipshit

  ISSUE 37•26 | 08.01.01 | Commentary

  Down at the loading dock, me and the guys get into a lot of good-natured scraps about sports teams and movies and whatnot. Sure, it gets a little heated sometimes, but it's always in good fun. When it comes to poetry, though, there are days when I just want to haul off and punch their sorry faces. more»

• With Friends Like These...

  ISSUE 37•26 | 08.01.01 | Commentary

  Until recently, I never really believed much in the generation gap. I figured, if you're young at heart (and I like to think that my heart is 19 years old, blonde, and gorgeous!), a person's age means little. But, after getting to know my downstairs neighbors, I'm starting to see why the old fogies get a little frustrated with young people: They can be pretty "out there" sometimes! more»

• The Missile-Defense Standoff

  ISSUE 37•26 | 08.01.01 | American Voices

  The U.S. and Russia are clashing over the Bush Administration's plans to develop a missile-defense system, which would defy 1972's ABM Treaty. What do you think? more»

• The Missing Intern: Unfortunate And All, But What Does It Have To Do With Anything?