Arby's Apologizes For New Beef 'N' Bacon Sandwich

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Issue 3727

That Guy From That One Show Spotted With The Girl From The Shampoo Ad

LOS ANGELES–According to Hollywood insiders, that guy who plays the doctor with the beard on that one show was spotted at this L.A. restaurant with the blonde chick who takes the shower in the airplane bathroom in that one shampoo commercial. "She was wearing this red, glittery dress," said that blonde Extra reporter who just had a baby. "And the guy was like, 'Hey, I'm dating the shampoo girl.'" The sighting laid to rest rumors that the guy is engaged to that girl who played the waitress in the movie about cars that came out a few weeks ago.

Elementary Schooler Clearly Just Learned To Swear

ALEXANDRIA, LA–Lakeview Elementary School first-grader Ian Schweder has clearly just taken his first steps into the world of swearing, classroom sources reported Monday. "He must've just seen a sweary movie," classmate Caitlin Lorenz said. "He always runs around the playground yelling, 'Fucky fucky shit fuck,' and dirty stuff like that." In the past two days, Schweder has composed a ribald song titled "Shit Shit Boobies," covered three sheets of notebook paper with scatological malediction, and attempted to tell a joke about "a girl who saw a boy's pussy."

Richard Grieco's Star Power Inadvertently Donated To Goodwill

LOS ANGELES–Former 21 Jump Street and Booker star Richard Grieco accidentally gave his star power to charity Monday, when a truck collecting for Goodwill Industries of Southern California made off with his charisma. "I just told the driver to help himself to whatever was in the garage," said the 36-year-old Grieco, star of 1991's If Looks Could Kill. "I had no idea my star power was in there." Grieco attempted to buy back his celebrity magnetism at the La Brea Avenue Goodwill store several hours later, only to be told that Jorge Reyes of East Los Angeles had purchased it for $4.

Senate Votes To Add Gratuity To All Bills Of Eight Provisions Or More

WASHINGTON, DC–By a 74-20 margin, the U.S. Senate approved a resolution Monday guaranteeing lawmakers a 15 percent gratuity for all bills containing eight provisions or more. "Some of the bills around here run into the billions," U.S. Sen. Sam Brownback (R-KS) said. "This is our way of making sure we don't get stiffed." Later that day, Brownback received an $825 million gratuity on a $5.3 billion arms-appropriation bill he authored.

Slain Cop Had Only 37 Years Until Retirement

DETROIT–In a tragic twist of fate, Detroit police officer Stephen Brophy was cut down in the line of duty Monday, just 37 years before he was to retire. "Just yesterday, Stephen was talking about all the plans he and his wife had for 2038," said officer Pete Driscoll, Brophy's short-time partner, who was with the 28-year-old when he was fatally shot by an armed robber. "They were going to tour the country in an RV or maybe build a house in Maine, right after Stephen wrapped up his last four decades on the force." Added Driscoll: "His greatest wish was to see his daughter get married. Or his son if it was a boy."

Clinton's First Week In Harlem

Last Tuesday, Bill Clinton officially moved into his new office in Harlem. How did the former president spend his first week in the neighborhood?
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Arby's Apologizes For New Beef 'N' Bacon Sandwich

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL–With moderate fanfare, Arby's apologetically unveiled its new Beef 'N' Bacon sandwich Monday, calling the uninspired menu addition "pretty so-so" and "more of the same."

Arby's president Donald Forst hesitantly introduces the new menu item.

"America, Arby's is cooking up something brand-new," said Donald Forst, president of the fast-food chain. "Just don't hold a parade or anything. This, regrettably, is just another sandwich."

The Beef 'N' Bacon, which makes its debut Aug. 15 at Arby's restaurants nationwide, features thinly sliced roast beef topped with crispy strips of bacon–a combination Forst described as "somehow lacking a truly special element."

"Let us be clear: This sandwich is by no means bad," Forst said. "But we'd be lying if we said this was a great sandwich or a particularly original one. Though we have little doubt that a handful of people will love the Beef 'N' Bacon, for us to claim that we've come up with a groundbreaking new sandwich sensation would be absurd. Boasts of that measure would be foolhardy and deceptive, especially in light of the fact that Arby's has introduced much better sandwiches in the past."

"Like the Chicken Cordon Bleu sandwich," Forst said. "Now, that is an amazing sandwich. I could eat two of those right now."

Salivating at the thought of the Chicken Cordon Bleu, Forst returned to the subject at hand. "So, you know, try the new Beef-Bacon thing with an order of our delicious Cheddar Curly Fries and a Jamocha shake," he said. "If you had the fries and the shake with it, that would make for a pretty good meal."

A print ad for the new sandwich.

According to Marianne Shepherd, Arby's vice-president of product development, the new sandwich was the result of a long testing process that "just didn't hit a home run this time."

"When we here in the Arby's family got to brainstorming new sandwiches, we figured a combination of Arby's delicious, hot roast beef, crispy bacon, and fresh lettuce and tomatoes, topped with a zesty pepper-jack sauce on a fluffy Kaiser bun, would be a winner," Shepherd said. "But somehow, the end result was, well, edible, obviously, or we wouldn't sell it, and possibly even savory or delectable to someone who is very hungry. But great? Certainly not. In the final analysis, our Beef 'N' Bacon sandwich is merely 'good.' But, hey, meat is meat."

Continued Forst: "I think the upshot of what we're saying is, if you love sandwiches of all kinds, then here is something moderately different that you might like to try. If, however, you are sick and tired of 'the same old sandwich,' then by all means steer clear of the Beef 'N' Bacon. Instead, maybe try the Arby's Big Montana sandwich, if you've never had one of those. Or just go to a different restaurant."

The Beef 'N' Bacon was then ceremonially 'launched' by being brought out on a domed platter and served to Forst, who took a single bite from the sandwich and promptly requested a beverage.

"We also introduce new sandwiches in the spring," said Forst, spitting out a chunk of iceberg lettuce. "Wait until then. Next spring's offering should be really exciting. A lot better than the Beef 'N' Bacon, I'm willing to bet."

Arby's efforts to develop a marketing campaign for the new sandwich have proven difficult, given the dearth of noteworthy attributes to emphasize.

"We considered the tagline 'The Sandwich Lovers' Sandwich,'" Arby's director of advertising Bill Plunkett said. "But, then, we figured that could backfire: If we overhyped it, regular customers might lose their trust in us, and first-time customers might mistakenly think it was the best Arby's had to offer and never try anything else."

The Arby's marketing team eventually settled on a billboard campaign centering on a pair of slogans, "Same Shit, Different Bun" and "Beef. Bacon. There Ya Go." Also planned is a series of TV commercials featuring blues legend B.B. King tasting the sandwich and exclaiming, "That's Food, Baby."