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Hijackers Surprised To Find Selves In Hell

• Not Knowing What Else To Do, Woman Bakes American-Flag Cake

  ISSUE 37•34 | 09.26.01 | News

  TOPEKA, KS—Feeling helpless in the wake of the horrible Sept. 11 terrorist attacks that killed thousands, Christine Pearson baked a cake and decorated it like an American flag Monday. more»

  

• American Life Turns Into Bad Jerry Bruckheimer Movie

  ISSUE 37•34 | 09.26.01 | News

  NEW YORK—In the two weeks since terrorists crashed hijacked planes into the World Trade Center and Pentagon, American life has come to resemble a bad Jerry Bruckheimer-produced action/disaster movie, shellshocked citizens reported Tuesday. more»

  

• U.S. Vows To Defeat Whoever It Is We're At War With

  ISSUE 37•34 | 09.26.01 | News

  WASHINGTON, DC—In a televised address to the American people Tuesday, a determined President Bush vowed that the U.S. would defeat "whoever exactly it is we're at war with here." more»

  

• God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule

  ISSUE 37•34 | 09.26.01 | News

  NEW YORK—Responding to recent events on Earth, God, the omniscient creator-deity worshipped by billions of followers of various faiths for more than 6,000 years, angrily clarified His longtime stance against humans killing each other Monday. more»

  

• Arab-American Third-Grader Returns From Recess Crying, Saying He Didn't Kill Anyone

  ISSUE 37•34 | 09.26.01 | News in Brief

  ROYAL OAK, MI—Eddie Bahri, 8, a Lincoln Elementary School third-grader of Iraqi descent, tearfully denied accusations during morning recess Tuesday that he was a terrorist who killed a bunch of people. "I did not kill anybody," Bahri told classmate Douglas Allenby. "And my dad didn't, either, okay?" Also implicated in the Sept. 11 attacks was 9-year-old Rajesh Soonachian, a Lincoln Elementary fourth-grader of Indian descent. more»

• President Urges Calm, Restraint Among Nation's Ballad Singers

  ISSUE 37•34 | 09.26.01 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of the recent national tragedy, President Bush is urging Mariah Carey, Michael Jackson, and other singers to resist the urge to record mawkish, insipid all-star tribute ballads. "To America's recording artists, I just want to say, please, there has already been enough suffering," Bush said. "The last thing we need right now is a soaring Barbra Streisand-Brian McKnight duet titled 'One For All.'" Reports that the FBI had confiscated several notebooks and audio tapes from Diane Warren's home could not be confirmed as of press time. more»

• Report: Gen X Irony, Cynicism May Be Permanently Obsolete

  ISSUE 37•34 | 09.26.01 | News in Brief

  AUSTIN, TX—According to Generation X sources, the recent attack on America may have rendered cynicism and irony permanently obsolete. "Remember the day after the attack, when all the senators were singing 'God Bless America,' arm-in-arm?" asked Dave Holt, 29. "Normally, I'd make some sarcastic wisecrack about something like that. But this time, I was deeply moved." Added Holt: "This earnestness can't last forever. Can it?" more»

• Dinty Moore Breaks Long Silence On Terrorism With Full-Page Ad

  ISSUE 37•34 | 09.26.01 | News in Brief

  NEW YORK—Nearly two weeks after the attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon, the makers of Dinty Moore beef stew finally weighed in on the tragedy Monday with a full-page ad in USA Today. "We at Dinty Moore extend our deepest sympathies to all who have been affected by the terrible events of Sept. 11, 2001," read the ad, which pictured a can of Dinty Moore beef stew at the bottom of the page. "The entire Dinty Moore family is outraged by this heinous crime and stands firmly behind our leaders." Dinty Moore joins Knoche Heating & Cooling and Tri-State Jacuzzi in condemning terrorism. more»

• Bush Sr. Apologizes To Son For Funding Bin Laden In '80s

  ISSUE 37•34 | 09.26.01 | News in Brief

  MIDLAND, TX—Former president George Bush issued an apology to his son Monday for advocating the CIA's mid-'80s funding of Osama bin Laden, who at the time was resisting the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. "I'm sorry, son," Bush told President George W. Bush. "We thought it was a good idea at the time because he was part of a group fighting communism in Central Asia. We called them 'freedom fighters' back then. I know it sounds weird. You sort of had to be there." Bush is still deliberating over whether to tell his son about the whole supporting-Saddam Hussein-against-Iran thing. more»

• Making America Safer

  ISSUE 37•34 | 09.26.01 | Infographic

  In the wake of Sept. 11 tragedy, new security measures are being enacted across the U.S. Among the changes: more»

  

• Horoscope for the week of September 26, 2001

  ISSUE 37•34 | 09.26.01 | Horoscope

  Your water will break while watching a performance of The Marriage Of Figaro,causing you great surprise, as you are not pregnant, female, or interested in opera. more»

• How Have We Spent The Past Two Weeks

  ISSUE 37•34 | 09.26.01 | Statshot

  

• Jerry Falwell: Is That Guy A Dick Or What?

  ISSUE 37•34 | 09.26.01 | News in Photos

  

• Hugging Up 76,000 Percent

  ISSUE 37•34 | 09.26.01 | News in Photos

  

• We Must Retaliate With Blind Rage vs. We Must Retaliate With Measured, Focused Rage

  ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 37•34 | 09.26.01 | Point/Counterpoint

  On Sept.11, 2001, America was hit by an unprecedented attack on its shores. The devastation and loss of life is incalculable. It is clear to me, as it should be to all Americans, what our nation must do: Retaliate with blind, violent rage, striking back with a fury and vengeance the likes of which modern man has never seen. more»

• Talking To Your Child About The WTC Attack

  ISSUE 37•34 | 09.26.01 | Tips

  The events of Sept. 11 are extremely difficult for a child to understand. What should you tell your child when he or she asks why this happened? Obviously, there's no easy answer, but the following is a start: more»

  

• What Now?

  ISSUE 37•34 | 09.26.01 | American Voices

  Two weeks after the worst attack ever on American soil, the U.S. military is pondering its response options. What do you think should be done? more»

• On TV Tonight

  	8:00		9:00		10:00
  NETWORK
  ABC	Attack On America	America Attacked	America In Crisis		America Still In Crisis
  NBC	A Nation Looks Around For Someone To Hit		America On The Verge Of Flying Off The Handle		America's Time Of Trial: Who Fucking Wants Some? You? Do You? How 'Bout You?
  CBS	Dan Rather's 83rd Straight Hour On The Air		Dan Rather Seriously Loses His Shit		Medicating Dan Rather
  CABLE
  BET	Wartime At The Apollow			Tavis Smiley Presents: Terrorists Strike America—The White Man Finds Somebody Else To Fear And Demonize For A Change
  MTV	The 100 Greatest, But, In Light Of Recent Events, Not As Important As Being Good To Our Loved Ones, Videos Of All Time			You! MTV Extends Its Condolences	Talking To Blink 182 About The Tragedy	Carson Daly In Way Over His Head
  Lifetime	Golden Girls	Golden Girls	Golden Girls	Golden Girls	Golden Girls	Golden Girls
  History	Last Tuesday In History		Two Weeks Ago, As Told By Those Who Lived It		Last Tuesday In History (rerun)
  Nickelodeon	Clarissa Explains The Attack On America		SpongeJohn SquareAshcroft		Rugrats Rising
  Animal Planet	Sharks: Terrorists Of The Sea		The Noble American Eagle: Long May She Fly		Fuck Everything, Here's Some Zebra Footage
  Public Access	Patriotism How-To With Rainbow Steve		Oh, Shit, Man... Oh, Shit	Attack On America: Live Drum-Circle Coverage From Peace Park		Extremely Uninformed Debate

• Rest Of Country Temporarily Feels Deep Affection For New York

• Massive Attack On Pentagon Page 14 News