Not Knowing What Else To Do, Woman Bakes American-Flag Cake
TOPEKA, KS—Feeling helpless in the wake of the horrible Sept. 11 terrorist attacks that killed thousands, Christine Pearson baked a cake and decorated it ...
Issue 3734
American Life Turns Into Bad Jerry Bruckheimer Movie
NEW YORK—In the two weeks since terrorists crashed hijacked planes into the World Trade Center and Pentagon, American life has come to resemble a ...
U.S. Vows To Defeat Whoever It Is We're At War With
WASHINGTON, DC—In a televised address to the American people Tuesday, a determined President Bush vowed that the U.S. would defeat "whoever exactly it ...
God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule
NEW YORK—Responding to recent events on Earth, God, the omniscient creator-deity worshipped by billions of followers of various faiths for more than 6,000 ...
Arab-American Third-Grader Returns From Recess Crying, Saying He Didn't Kill Anyone
ROYAL OAK, MI—Eddie Bahri, 8, a Lincoln Elementary School third-grader of Iraqi descent, tearfully denied accusations during morning recess Tuesday that he was a ...
President Urges Calm, Restraint Among Nation's Ballad Singers
WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of the recent national tragedy, President Bush is urging Mariah Carey, Michael Jackson, and other singers to resist the urge ...
Report: Gen X Irony, Cynicism May Be Permanently Obsolete
AUSTIN, TX—According to Generation X sources, the recent attack on America may have rendered cynicism and irony permanently obsolete. "Remember the day after the ...
Dinty Moore Breaks Long Silence On Terrorism With Full-Page Ad
NEW YORK—Nearly two weeks after the attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon, the makers of Dinty Moore beef stew finally weighed in ...
Bush Sr. Apologizes To Son For Funding Bin Laden In '80s
MIDLAND, TX—Former president George Bush issued an apology to his son Monday for advocating the CIA's mid-'80s funding of Osama bin Laden ...
Making America Safer
In the wake of Sept. 11 tragedy, new security measures are being enacted across the U.S. Among the changes:
Horoscope for the week of September 26, 2001
Your water will break while watching a performance of The Marriage Of Figaro,causing you great surprise, as you are not pregnant, female, or interested ...
We Must Retaliate With Blind Rage vs. We Must Retaliate With Measured, Focused Rage
On Sept.11, 2001, America was hit by an unprecedented attack on its shores. The devastation and loss of life is incalculable. It is clear ...
Talking To Your Child About The WTC Attack
The events of Sept. 11 are extremely difficult for a child to understand. What should you tell your child when he or she asks why ...
What Now?
Two weeks after the worst attack ever on American soil, the U.S. military is pondering its response options. What do you think should be ...
