Steve Vai Impresses The Hell Out Of Neighborhood Kids

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Issue 3741

Plan To Make Snacks Last Through Opening Credits Fails

EDEN PRAIRIE, MN— Despite his best intentions, moviegoer Brad Schuyler failed to make his snack supply last beyond the opening credits of Monsters, Inc. Monday. "The Harry Potter trailer came on, and I guess I just got excited," said Schuyler, 26, who took his last bite as the words "Written By Dan Gerson" appeared on the screen. "Maybe I should have bought more than a box of Sno-Caps and a 32-ounce Coke, but the stuff costs so much." Next time he sees a film, Schuyler said he will not start eating until the studio logo appears.

Argument About Capital Of Australia Occurs 10 Feet From Encyclopedia

ORD, NE— Brothers Jeff and Adam Clink spent 20 minutes fiercely debating the capital of Australia while standing 10 feet from the family's World Book encyclopedia Monday. "You're high," Jeff, 18, told Adam. "It's Sydney." Adam, who said he is "99.99 percent sure" that Melbourne is the capital, conceded that one city might be the capital of the Australian continent and the other the capital of the nation.

Ugly Man With Huge Penis Unsure How To Get The Word Out

AUBURN, ME— Overweight and balding Ira Groff, 37, is unsure how to get the word out about his 11-inch penis. "In theory, I could fumble around in my wallet for something and then—whoops!—an extra-large condom falls out," the acne-scarred Groff said Monday. "But that would come off as staged." Groff has also pondered wearing tighter pants, leaving penile-reduction-surgery brochures around his workspace, or sporting a button that reads, "Ask Me About My Huge Cock."

I Do So Adore The Adult Theatre

Ah, the adult theatre! As a discriminating patron of the adult arts, nothing compares to a night out enjoying the lights, glamour, and pelvic gyrations of the adult theatre. Each performance is a glorious release, filling me with the joy and elation that only high smut can deliver.

The Post-Office Crunch

Reeling from a post-Sept 11. drop in mail volume, the U.S Postal Service faces a $3 billion deficit. What is the USPS doing to imporove its bottom line?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Ice Cream Truck Driver Going To Let These Kids Sweat A Little Bit Before Stopping

MILWAUKEE—Admitting that he’ll never get tired of looking in his rearview mirror and seeing their little legs going at full speed as they struggle to catch up to him, local ice cream truck driver Derek Kenney said that he once again planned on making the children on Maple Avenue sweat it out a little bit before stopping his vehicle.

Steve Vai Impresses The Hell Out Of Neighborhood Kids

GLENDALE, CA— Rock guitarist Steve Vai wowed a group of neighborhood children with his spectacular guitar pyrotechnics Monday. "His behind-the-head guitar solo was so wicked," said Jimmy Hetzel, 11, one of six children blown away by Vai's fretboard wizardry. "He also did this thing where he held the guitar between his legs and played it with a bow." The impromptu performance is believed to be the most impressive display of its kind since September 2000, when Joe Satriani "showed off a few licks" at a Southfield, MI, bar mitzvah.