New Harry Potter Film Turns Children On To Magic Of Not Reading

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Issue 3743

Security Guard Can't Afford To Relax For So Much As Six Hours

LAKELAND, FL—Mel King, the night security guard at 2300 Office Park Drive, can't afford to let his guard down for even six hours, the 47-year-old said Tuesday. "In a job like this, you have to be on full alert every once in a great while," King said. "Lose your focus for three or four hundred minutes, and the place could be robbed blind." King said he makes sure never to drift from his post more than twice per shift or stray from his ritual 3 a.m. viewing of back-to-back episodes of Riptide.

Drug Addict Looking For More Enabling Girlfriend

AUSTIN, TX—After breaking up with girlfriend Karen Guglia last week, cocaine addict Rob Everson, 26, announced that he is looking for a more enabling girlfriend. "I need a woman who'll give me my freedom and let me be me," Everson said Monday. "I don't need somebody who's going to be on my case all the time, telling me I need to clean myself up or I'm gonna die. When you love someone, you encourage them to pursue their interests."

Mad Lib Filled With Swears

PORTLAND, ME—The popular party amusement Mad Libs was misused for profane purposes Monday, when Peter Leff, a Portland-area 12-year-old, filled the blank spaces on a "Space Adventure Mad Lib" entirely with swear words. "Prepare to shit the enemy," Leff had Space Commander Mr. Garrick say. "Set all pussys on fart and brace for blowjobs."

Headphones-Wearing Pedestrian Loudly Proclaims Iron Man Status

MINNEAPOLIS—Local resident James Gaines loudly proclaimed his Iron Man status Monday while walking down Hennepin Avenue wearing a Sony Discman. "I am Iron Man," Gaines announced in a deep, foreboding voice before launching into his dark, personal tale of madness and revenge. Gaines has previously declared himself "hot for teacher," "a teenage lobotomy," and "a street-walking cheetah with a heart full of napalm."

Reality TV On The Decline

After nearly two years of ratings success, reality TV programs are losing out to traditional sitcoms and dramas. Why?

Breakup Put Off Until Bioterrorism Scare Is Over

NEW CASTLE, PA—Shaken and needing companionship in this time of national crisis, Jordan Rosling, 26, announced Monday that he has decided to postpone breaking up with longtime girlfriend Allison Ward until the current bioterrorism scare is over.

A Purr-fect Tale!

This past January, one of my New Year's resolutions was to quit procrastinating so darn much. As for living up to the resolution, well, let's just say I procrastinated on that, too! But with the year winding down, I'm finally getting around to some things I've been meaning to do for ages, including a longtime dream project of mine. And just what is this dream project, you ask? (No, it's not sampling every brand of chocolate on Earth... honest!) It's none other than writing my very own special book: excerpts from the diary "kept" by my kitty, Priscilla Teasdale!

'Expect Delays' Signs Placed Randomly Throughout Nation

WASHINGTON, DC—Expanding upon the already omnipresent signage at airports and on highways, the government has posted more than 150 million "Expect Delays" signs at random locations across the U.S. "I went to Safeway to buy some groceries, and there's a big sign warning me to expect delays in the pasta aisle," Dori Reilly of Inkster, MI, said Monday. "When I got home, there was a big sign on my fridge. I had to wait almost an hour before I could put away the milk."
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New Harry Potter Film Turns Children On To Magic Of Not Reading

LOS ANGELES—Around the world, children are being turned on to the magic of not reading by the blockbuster film Harry Potter And The Sorcerer's Stone. "My daughter Julia never liked to sit passively and stare at a screen, but this new movie has really locked the power of her imagination," said Hannah Foss, 38, of Dayton, OH. "She can't put her books away fast enough." "Movies are great," said Tarzana, CA, 10-year-old Emily Hart. "You can see exactly what the characters look like without having to guess."