401K Enrollment Form Sits At Bottom Of Desk Drawer For 22 Years

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Issue 3745

Michael Jackson Deposed As King Of Pop In Hitless Coup

LOS ANGELES— After a two-decade reign as King Of Pop, Michael Jackson was overthrown Tuesday in a hitless coup. "Following the lackluster performance of Invincible and its mildly received 'You Rock My World' single, Michael has lost the support of the populace necessary to maintain his throne," said Billboard magazine pop-political analyst Daniel Farrior. "To be honest, it's amazing he held onto his kingship after Blood On The Dance Floor." Upon learning of the coup, millions of music fans stormed the nation's music stores, carrying off armloads of CDs by artists other than Jackson.

Area Woman Insists On Helping Coworker Through Personal Crisis

EL PASO, TX— At a time when she would rather be left alone, recent divorcee Denise Jacoby, 42, is finding herself besieged by unsolicited offers of help from Birds Eye Foods coworker Donna Traschel. "If she tells me that she's there for me anytime—day or night—one more time, I'm gonna strangle her," Jacoby said. "She's already lent me three different books on coping with change and overcoming loss. What do I have to do to make her understand that I don't want an ear to bend or a shoulder to lean on?"

The Segway

Unveiled last week, the Segway Human Transporter is being touted as the future of human transportation. What are some of the much-hyped electrical scooter’s features?


Hola, amigos. Everything cool? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but things have kinda gotten out of control on Anchower Lane. (That ain't actually where I live—I don't think there are any streets named Anchower Lane, at least not 'til I die.) But I'm not about to tell people where I actually live. For one thing, I don't want people stopping by my pad at all hours of the day, telling me they love my writing or stealing my beer or informing me that I'm six months late on payments. Plus, there are these guys I had a bit of an altercation with last week who'd love to take a poke at me, and I ain't about to help them out.

Honey, I Said Some Things I Didn't Mean To Say Out Loud

Darling, I know you're upset, and you have every right to be. I don't think we've ever gotten into a fight like that before. But I just want you to know that those cruel things I said, well, I didn't mean a single word of them to be said out loud. I swear.

Yalie Strikes Harvard Lad Sharply About The Face And Neck

NEW HAVEN, CT— A heated dispute over the relative merits of Harvard and Yale erupted into fisticuffs Monday, when Yalie William Vanderploeg, 20, struck Randolph Stephenson, a strapping Harvard lad of 19, about the face and neck in a most brutish manner. "The vainglorious braggart dared suggest that his Crimson squad could out-row us nine times of ten," said Vanderploeg, captain of the Yale crew team. "I knew they raised them as barbarians over Harvard way, but the very gall." Stephenson, his hair mussed from the attack, vowed that the dispute is far from settled.

Nuclear-Bomb Instructions Found In Pentagon

ARLINGTON, VA— In an alarming development, plans for a thermonuclear device were found Monday in a Pentagon desk drawer. "These guys were definitely working on something," said United Press International correspondent Nigel Afton-George, who came across the plans while touring a section of the compound damaged in a Sept. 11 attack. "They had all sorts of manuals and plans for the construction and deployment of nuclear weapons. It's terrifying to think what they were planning to do with this stuff."
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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