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Issue 3801

WHO Pushes For More 'Ouchless' Adhesive Funding

WASHINGTON, DC—Amid mounting evidence of White House ties to Enron, President Bush attempted to distance himself from yet another failing Texas energy company Monday. "I have had no business dealings with this particular company," Bush said. "Why would anyone associate me with a Houston-based energy giant that's mismanaged itself into the ground?" Bush added that his oil company was already almost bankrupt when he took it over, and that it was not his decision to trade away Sammy Sosa.

The Thinkable Happens To Local Man

OLATHE, KS—The thinkable happened to area resident Bruce Conroy, 44, Monday, when the newspaper he was carrying fell out of his hand. "I can believe what I just saw," one witness told reporters. "In all my years, I can honestly say I've seen many things like that." An unshaken Conroy told reporters after the incident: "Who wouldn't have thought that this, or something very much like it, could happen?"

Bush Attempts To Distance Self From Yet Another Failed Business

WASHINGTON, DC—Amid mounting evidence of White House ties to Enron, President Bush attempted to distance himself from yet another failing Texas energy company Monday. "I have had no business dealings with this particular company," Bush said. "Why would anyone associate me with a Houston-based energy giant that's mismanaged itself into the ground?" Bush added that his oil company was already almost bankrupt when he took it over, and that it was not his decision to trade away Sammy Sosa.

The New iMac

Amid much fanfare, Apple's new iMac was unveiled last week. Among its notable features:

Archaeologist Tired Of Unearthing Unspeakable Ancient Evils

HASAKE, SYRIA—When archaeologist Edward Whitson joined a Penn State University dig in Hasake last year, he did so to participate in the excavation of a Late Bronze Age settlement rich in pottery shards and clay figurines. Whitson had hoped to determine whether the items contained within the site were primarily Persian or Assyrian in origin.

I'm Certain That Sex With A Redhead Will Be More Fulfilling Than Other Sex

When it comes to scoring with the ladies, I'm no slouch. In the past two weeks alone, there's been Nikki the legal secretary, Stephanie the cocktail waitress, and, of course, Alicia the flight attendant (she really put the "lay" in layover). But while these rolls in the hay were fun while they lasted, each ultimately left me with a vague, empty feeling inside. It's been that way with all my one-night stands. I'm not 100 percent positive, but I think it's because none of them have been redheads.

Ted Danson Tries To Steer Interview Back Toward Becker

CHICAGO—During an interview Monday with CBS affiliate WBBM-TV, actor Ted Danson made repeated efforts to steer the conversation back toward his current series, Becker. "It's true, one of the ingredients that made Cheers work so well was the great ensemble of actors we had," Danson told Live At Five host Janet Pye, attempting to set up a Cheers-Becker segue. "That's the case with any good series, and it's certainly the case with—" Pye sabotaged the attempted transition by interjecting that Danson and Shelley Long had particularly good chemistry.

Opening Band Upstaged By Pre-Show Music

MINNEAPOLIS—The Vic Taybacks, opening for Superchunk at 400 Bar Tuesday, were upstaged by the pre-show music on the venue's sound system. "While we were setting up our stuff, [Hüsker Dü's] Flip Your Wig was playing, and the crowd was going nuts," said Vic Taybacks bassist Geoff Davis. "Then we started playing, and it got quiet and everybody just sort of drifted off to the bar." The band has previously been upstaged by Queen's Greatest Hits and the Repo Man soundtrack.

Dating Tips

The dating world can be a bewildering place. Here are some tips to help you navigate the perilous waters of love:
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Manufacturer Manufactures Love To Wife

WILMINGTON, DE—In an efficient and deeply meaningful act of sexual expression, eraser manufacturer Ted Wyczinski manufactured sweet love to his wife Monday after a romantic dinner at the Route 14 Red Lobster. "Nice work, honey," Wyczinski complimented his wife following the 20-minute coupling. "I thought that came out great."

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