Treasury Department Badly Needs Ones And Fives

Top Headlines

Issue 3807

Genetically Modified Broccoli Shrieks Benefits At Shopper

BREMERTON, WA— A head of genetically modified broccoli shrieked its numerous benefits at shoppers Monday in a Seattle-area Safeway. "I contain 40 percent more vitamin A than non-modified broccoli!" the head screeched at terrified produce-aisle customers. "I can fight off insects and disease without the use of pesticides!" Monsanto, makers of the vegetable, stressed that genetic-modification technology is still in its infancy, and that more pleasantly voiced broccoli should hit store shelves by 2003.

Parents' Password Cracked On First Try

REDONDO BEACH, CA— Nick Berrigan, 14, successfully hacked into his parents' AOL account on the first try Tuesday, correctly guessing that "Digby" was their password. "They actually used the dog's name," said Berrigan, deactivating the parental controls on his AOL account. "They don't give me much credit, do they?" Experts advise parents to secure Internet accounts with any password besides the name of a family pet.

Upset Woman Forced To Re-Sigh Louder

MCKEESPORT, PA— Failing to elicit sympathy or concern with her first attempt, Staffing Solutions office manager Connie Lindel was forced to re-sigh louder and more plaintively Monday. "Well, I guess I'll just turn off everyone else's lights at the end of the day myself," Lindel, 33, told coworkers before letting out a second, longer sigh. "Oh, well." Lindel, who was unable to elicit any measure of sympathy with the follow-up sigh, is expected to try again Thursday with her arms folded and significantly more resignation in her voice.

$5 Million Bounty Placed On Recession

WASHINGTON, DC— A determined President Bush posted a $5 million bounty on the nation's economic downturn Monday. "This recession may run its course, but it cannot hide," Bush said. "We will find you, and we will end you." Bush is also offering a $2 million reward for information leading to an increase in durable-goods orders in the second quarter.

Lee Greenwood Urges U.S. To Take Military Action Against Iraq

NASHVILLE, TN— With sales of "God Bless The U.S.A." waning after a five-month surge, country singer Lee Greenwood urged the U.S. to take military action against Iraq Monday. "Saddam Hussein is a despot with strong ties to terrorism, and his regime must be toppled," Greenwood said. "Unfortunately, our best chance of doing so is to send brave young American soldiers into dangerous, emotionally stirring combat situations." Greenwood added that he would probably be willing to perform his signature hit for the troops during a live CBS special if asked.

I Almost Lost It All

Hola, amigos. What say? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but your old pal Jim's been thicker than a donkey's dick with problems.

The New Sesame Street

For its 33rd season, which began last month, Sesame Street has been given its biggest overhaul ever. Among the changes:
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Treasury Department Badly Needs Ones And Fives

WASHINGTON, DC—Critically low on small denominations, the Treasury Department put out an urgent call for ones and fives Monday.

An urgent call is put out to citizens on the statue in front of the Treasury Building.

"If we don't get some soon, we're going to run out," Deputy Treasury Secretary Kenneth Dam said. "And right now, we have no one we can send to the Bureau of Engraving and Printing to grab more. [Executive Secretary] Jeffrey [Kupfer] is in Federal Trade Commission meetings all day, and [Under Secretary] Peter [Fisher] is too new to handle cash."

Though Dam said he suspects there may be a fully stocked tray of cash in the department's safe, the only one who knows the combination is Secretary Paul O'Neill, who is at an economic summit in Stockholm until Saturday.

The shortfall, Dam said, is the result of the unusually busy day the department is having.

"For some reason, all the banks want ones and fives today," Dam said. "Usually, it's twenties we run low on first, because everybody needs them for their cash machines, but today it's the small stuff."

In addition to a sign on the Alexander Hamilton statue in front of the Treasury Building, Dam posted a handwritten sign on the front door reading, "We need ones and fives!!! Any that you have would be hugley [sic] appreciated!!!" Thus far, no one has come forward.

The appeal was directed at any U.S. citizens in the vicinity of the department, as well as members of Congress, whose annual budget allocation to the Treasury Department is forthcoming.

"We have, like, less than 10 ones left right now," Dam said. "We have a few rolls of quarters we could give out four at a time, but those won't last very long."

Early Tuesday morning, Dam put in a call to the Internal Revenue Service to lend the Treasury any singles it may have on hand from early tax returns.

"So far, I haven't heard back from [IRS commissioner] Charles [Rossotti]," Dam said. "I left a message, but he must be real busy this time of year. Hopefully soon."

Dam, who was left in charge of the Treasury in O'Neill's absence, was explicitly told by the secretary to make sure the department kept plenty of small bills on hand.

"This is really getting bad," Dam said. "All we need is for one more lending institution to come in here and ask us to break a twenty and that's it."