Fake-A-Wish Foundation Introduces Dying Child To Brett Favre Lookalike

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Issue 3829

The West Nile Virus

The deadly, mosquito-borne West Nile virus is spreading across the U.S. What are health officials doing to fight the outbreak?

Nation's Economic Recovery Hinging On Success Of Diet Vanilla Coke

WASHINGTON, DC—As the nation struggles through a recession, economy watchers are pinning their hopes for recovery on the soon-to-be-launched Diet Vanilla Coke. "Diet Vanilla Coke, to be introduced this fall, is our last, best chance at turning this thing around," Fed chief Alan Greenspan said. "We had hoped that Pepsi Blue or Dr. Pepper Red Fusion would stem the tide, but consumers have not responded in sufficient numbers." If Diet Vanilla Coke fails to jumpstart the economy, experts say the U.S. is doomed.

Sixth-Grader's Family Tree Fails To Hold Up To Scrutiny

CALVERTON, MD—Sixth-grader Adam Jones' family tree, assigned recently as homework, fails to hold up to scrutiny, social-studies teacher Gwen Wexler reported Monday. "I'm a little skeptical of Adam's claim that he's descended from [movie star] Vin Diesel," Wexler said. "There's also something suspicious about his tracing his mother's lineage to Cal Ripken Jr." Wexler expressed further doubts about Jones' claim that he is related to actor James Earl Jones by way of "the Zimbabwe Joneses."

Woman With Shitty Job Her Own Boss

DEXTER, MI—Cynthia Rimler, self-employed for the past three months as a sales representative for RoyalAire Cosmetics, sets her own hours and answers to no one regarding her shitty job. "Nobody tells me what neighborhood to canvass or when," boasted Rimler, who earned $400 last month selling makeup door-to-door. "And if I decide I want a day off, hey, I'm the boss." Rimler added that she wouldn't be selling RoyalAire Cosmetics if the products weren't good enough for her own face.

Stereotypes Are A Real Time-Saver

I'm a busy guy. And, while I'd love to, I don't have the time to get to know every person I encounter in the course of my daily life. So thank goodness I have a handy little device at my disposal that helps me know how to deal with just about anyone I come across: stereotypes. Yes, stereotypes are a real time-saver!

Pope Wins Host-Eating Contest

CONEY ISLAND, NY—Pope John Paul II won Monday's 14th Annual Coney Island Host-Eating Contest, as the Vicar of Christ ate 392 sanctified wafers in 12 minutes, edging out his nearest competition, Japanese trencherman Takeru Kobayashi. "His Holiness put on an incredible display of eating, devouring the equivalent of seven and a half full bodies of Christ," said contest organizer and head judge Bishop Thomas Daily. "In the last few seconds, bits of chewed-up wafer started coming out of his nose, but we allowed it because none hit the ground." Said third-place finisher Eric "Badlands" Booker: "Hey, that's why he's pope."

Don't Tell Me You've Never Wondered What Yoda's Penis Looks Like

Oh, come on. All the times you've watched Star Wars movies, it's never crossed your mind even once? You're just going to play dumb and say, "Oh, gee, no, that never occurred to me"? Give me a break. Don't even try to tell me you've never wondered what Yoda's penis looks like.
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Special Coverage

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.


Fake-A-Wish Foundation Introduces Dying Child To Brett Favre Lookalike

SHIOCTON, WI—Corey Hoffman, a 7-year-old Green Bay Packers fanatic stricken with terminal leukemia, received the thrill of his short lifetime Tuesday, when he met Brett Favre lookalike Morris Aubrey. "You should have seen the way Corey's face lit up when he met the man he was convinced was his football idol," said Fake-A-Wish president Dean Pivarnik. "Moments like that are the whole reason we do this. Whether a child wants a phone call from a Michael Jackson soundalike or just wants to meet Milky Mouse before he dies, we are proud to make that dream come true."