Captain's Hat Really Completes Street Lunatic's Ensemble

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Issue 3837

Affable Anti-Semite Thinks The Jews Are Doing Super Job With The Media

PLANO, TX—Henry McCullers, an affable Plano-area anti-Semite, praised the Jewish people Monday for doing "a bang-up job" running the media. "This has been such a great year for movies, and the new crop of fall TV shows looks to be one of the best in years," McCullers said. "And the cable news channels are doing a terrific job, too. Admittedly, they're not reporting on the Jewish stranglehold on world finance, but, hey, that's understandable."

Snoop Dogg Goes Clean

After years of heavy smoking, rapper Snoop Dogg recently announced that he is giving up marijuana. What has the rapper been up to since quitting?

Starving Third World Masses Warned Against Evils Of Contraception

SÃO PAULO, BRAZIL—During a visit to the teeming slums of São Paulo Monday, Cardinal Anthony Bevilacqua warned the city's starving masses against the evils of contraception, urging them to "be fruitful and multiply" and do "everything in [their] power" to resist the mortal sin of birth control.

Take Advantage Of Our Two-For-One Scott Tissue Special, For One Day We Will Die

Attention, Food King shoppers: Now in Aisle Four, take advantage of our two-for-one special on all Scott Tissue and Scott Towel products. Purchase up to 10 rolls of each. It's just one way you can save big as a valued Food King shopper. And do it soon, for one day, all will be dark. Then, there will be no savings, no bargains, only the cold, eternal embrace of Death.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage



Captain's Hat Really Completes Street Lunatic's Ensemble

CHICAGO—A tattered U.S. Navy Captain's hat taken from a Salvation Army Dumpster adds the perfect finishing touch to street lunatic Corner Carl's outfit, fashion critics raved Monday. "The sailor's hat playfully juxtaposes his filthy Chicago Bears sweatshirt and backwards pajama bottoms," People style correspondent Steven Cojocaru said. "And when he screams at fire hydrants, it's now like he's scolding his imagined Navy underlings." GQ fashion writer Rob Vance said the nautical-themed hat makes Corner Carl resemble "a psychotic, profanity-spewing Alan Hale Jr."