Issue 3838

Logo In Corner Of TV Reminds Man He's Masturbating To Spice

FRANKLIN, VT—A logo in the lower-right-hand corner of his TV screen helped remind Peter Brighton that he was masturbating to the Spice channel Monday. "Ah, so it's Spice that's presenting this quality softcore pornography that I am enjoying so much," said Brighton during his autoerotic act. "I will be sure to keep Spice in mind when looking to stimulate myself to ejaculation in the future."

No One Has Heart To Ask Human Beat Box To Stop

VENTURA, CA—Friends of Ron Berg, the self-described "human beat box," don't have the heart to ask him to stop. "Any time we're out, it's only a matter of time before Ron starts up with 'poom poom-pkkhh, poom-papoom-pkkhh,'" friend Brian Craig said Tuesday. "But he's so proud of his 'special skill' that it'd devastate him if we told him he sucks and should stop." Craig, who has been sprayed with beat-box saliva "tons of times," said he makes sure never to sit across from Berg at a bar where the jukebox contains Run-DMC's Raising Hell.

Marketing Guru Also A Getting-Divorced Guru

NEW YORK—Marketing guru Bob Lippman, 43, is also a getting-divorced guru, colleagues noted Tuesday. "Bob has an incredible knack for identifying branding strategies to connect with a demographic," coworker Ann Lamp said. "He's almost as good at establishing a product's core consumer message as he is at ending loveless, doomed marriages." In the past 10 years, Lamp has won four Mobius Awards and been married three times.

You're Not One Of Those Couples Who Secretly Videotape Their Nanny, Are You?

Well, Mr. and Mrs. Hegan, you seem like a lovely young couple, and Courtney is an absolute doll. I'd be delighted to accept the job as your new nanny. And, yes, the salary you're offering will be fine, and I live just a mile away, so I can usually be available on short notice. I think this will be a fine arrangement for all involved.

The Tycoon Of 1567 Blossom Meadows Drive

In the weeks since I lost my job at Fashion Bug, I've been collecting unemployment. Now, just in case you're thinking that idle hands are the devil's playground, rest assured, Jeanketeers, that I've been looking for a job. Cross my heart! Besides, my joblessness has nothing to do with laziness. See, according to the paper, the county we live in has experienced a .42 percent increase in unemployment this year. That might not seem like a lot, but the population is pretty small, and there are no major industries in our area besides the Hormel plant, and I can't work there because I think they kill things.

Activity Made Up To Sell Athletic Shoes

BEAVERTON, OR—In its latest niche-marketing coup, the Nike Corporation on Monday unveiled the Nike Bog-Ramper, a light, durable sneaker designed for the newly fabricated sport of bog-ramping. "Nike is the first footwear company to introduce a shoe specially engineered to meet the exacting demands of the competitive bog-ramper," said Nike CEO Phil Knight, introducing the $130 shoe at the company's headquarters. "Whatever bog-ramping is, and wherever and by whom it is done, don't even think about trying it without your Nikes." Knight added that the shoes are also suitable for street wear.

FAA Considering Passenger Ban

WASHINGTON, DC—Seeking to address "the number-one threat to airline security," the Federal Aviation Administration announced Monday that it will consider banning passengers on all domestic and international commercial flights.
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  • More News

Man Doesn't Realize Date Went Terribly

FORT WAYNE, IN—Dan Haft, 24, failed to realize that his date with Mindy Camden went terribly Saturday. "On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd have to give tonight a 9," Haft said following the date, which was characterized by awkward conversation and a distinct lack of chemistry. "It's a safe bet we'll be seeing each other again." Haft incorrectly added that he and Camden "were definitely vibing on each other."


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