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Sunken Oil Tanker Will Be Habitat For Marine Life, Shell Executives Say With Straight Face

• 63 Percent Of U.S. Implicated In New Scandal

  ISSUE 38•39 | 10.23.02 | News

  WASHINGTON, DC—The Securities and Exchange Commission announced Tuesday that more than 63 percent of all U.S. citizens have been implicated in an illegal stock-dumping, the latest scandal to rock the nation's economy. more»

  

• High-School Science Teacher Takes Fun And Excitement Out Of Science

  ISSUE 38•39 | 10.23.02 | News

  VERONA, NJ—Verona High School ninth-grade science teacher Mark Randalls has a unique talent for taking the fun and magic out of science, students of his comprehensive survey class reported Tuesday. more»

  

• Nails, Hair Cared For Better Than Child

  ISSUE 38•39 | 10.23.02 | News

  MOBILE, AL—To parent Kelly Sweedlin, nothing is more rewarding than "just playing" with different nail-polish colors. more»

  

• Prison Warden Appears On Leno With Some Of His Favorite Prisoners

  ISSUE 38•39 | 10.23.02 | News in Brief

  BURBANK, CA—San Quentin State Prison warden Ron Ditmeier wowed Monday's Tonight Show audience by displaying some of his favorite prisoners. "Rufus here is what we call a Throat-Slashing Double-Lifer," Ditmeier said while showing off an inmate to host Jay Leno. "These distinctive markings mean he's a hardcore in the Crips." The educational segment provoked peals of laughter when an Encino Wife-Beater urinated on Leno's shoulder and stabbed him in the eye with a pen. more»

• CEO Would Trade 5 Percent Of Stock Options For 10 Percent More Time With His Kids

  ISSUE 38•39 | 10.23.02 | News in Brief

  HARTFORD, CT—Feeling sentimental Tuesday, Allied Plastics CEO Jonathan Mavre said he would gladly sacrifice a significant portion of his liquid assets for increased quality time with his children. "If I had the chance, I would give anything, even 5 percent of my ADM options, for an extra afternoon a week with Jacob and Lauren," Mavre said. "Of course, I'd be smarter to hedge by splitting the loss between ADM and Pepsico." more»

• Civil War Historians Posit 'You Had To Be There' Theory

  ISSUE 38•39 | 10.23.02 | News in Brief

  ATLANTA—After years of conflicting approaches to interpreting the Civil War, a coalition of historians on Tuesday posited the non-specific theory that "you had to be there" to fully understand the complexities of the war. "It's not just a matter of 'Were the Southern forces as confident and dedicated as their Northern counterparts?' or 'Was Gettysburg the turning point?'" said conference chairman Shelby Foote. "The whole gist of the war is just hard to really get unless, you know, you were there and saw it happen." The coalition also advanced a theory that the Great Migration, wherein one million African-Americans moved to northern cities between 1915 and 1920, was "a black thing." more»

• Linebacker Faces Suspension For Genocide

  ISSUE 38•39 | 10.23.02 | News in Brief

  MINNEAPOLIS—In the latest legal complication for an NFL player, Minnesota Vikings linebacker Antwone Evans may receive a fine and possibly even a suspension for his role in the mass slaughter of the Lithuanian people in a Sunday pogrom. "In cruelly rounding up and exterminating more than three million Lithuanian men, women, and children, Evans seriously violated the behavior standard to which we hold all our employees," said NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue. "We are currently deliberating on whether to suspend him pending the verdict of his U.N. tribunal." more»

• Man In Break Room Can Still Hear Time Clock Ticking Loudly

  ISSUE 38•39 | 10.23.02 | News in Brief

  LA GRANDE, OR—Roundy's Food Store stocker Jim Creighton felt ominously watched over by an employee time clock Tuesday as, at exactly 12:13 a.m., it noisily "clunked" over to the second-to-last minute of Creighton's 15-minute break. "Well, two minutes to go," Creighton mumbled grimly to himself, attempting to savor the final precious scraps of leisure time doled out to him by his employer. "Maybe I should grab another Pepsi." Creighton then sighed and stared at the coffee machine for the next 111 seconds. more»

• The Sniper Attacks

  ISSUE 38•39 | 10.23.02 | Infographic

  An elusive sniper continues to terrorize the Washington area. How are Americans responding to the threat of random shootings? more»

  

• Horoscope for the week of October 23, 2002

  ISSUE 38•39 | 10.23.02 | Horoscope

  Love is strange. Repeating this fact no matter how you achieve orgasm will vastly aid your mental well-being this week. more»

• Why Did We Rent A Limo?

  ISSUE 38•39 | 10.23.02 | Statshot

  

• Motorist Overwhelmed By Array Of Jerky Choices

  ISSUE 38•39 | 10.23.02 | News in Photos

  

• Nelly Reiterates Sex-Liking Stance

  ISSUE 38•39 | 10.23.02 | News in Photos

  

• My Novel Addresses Universal Themes Of Humanity And Has Fucking

  ISSUE 38•39 | 10.23.02 | Commentary

  I have finally put the finishing touches on my novel, Westbound 90, and though it took forever, I am extremely pleased with the end result. It's a modern-day Candide, a coming-of-age tragicomedy in which the reader is taken on a great journey, both geographically and emotionally. I am confident it will be widely appreciated, as it addresses themes that speak to the human condition and, coincidentally, has loads of fucking. more»

• Ask A Third Party Candidate

  ISSUE 38•39 | 10.23.02 | Advice

  Edgar Mayo Jr. is a syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask A Third Party Candidate, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide. more»

• Obesity On The Rise

  ISSUE 38•39 | 10.23.02 | American Voices

  The National Center for Health Statistics recently announced that 64.5 percent of American adults are overweight or obese. What do you think? more»

• Corporate Brass Forced To Tolerate Tech Support Guy's Wolfman-Like Hair, Beard