Issue 3839

Man In Break Room Can Still Hear Time Clock Ticking Loudly

LA GRANDE, OR—Roundy's Food Store stocker Jim Creighton felt ominously watched over by an employee time clock Tuesday as, at exactly 12:13 a.m., it noisily "clunked" over to the second-to-last minute of Creighton's 15-minute break. "Well, two minutes to go," Creighton mumbled grimly to himself, attempting to savor the final precious scraps of leisure time doled out to him by his employer. "Maybe I should grab another Pepsi." Creighton then sighed and stared at the coffee machine for the next 111 seconds.

Linebacker Faces Suspension For Genocide

MINNEAPOLIS—In the latest legal complication for an NFL player, Minnesota Vikings linebacker Antwone Evans may receive a fine and possibly even a suspension for his role in the mass slaughter of the Lithuanian people in a Sunday pogrom. "In cruelly rounding up and exterminating more than three million Lithuanian men, women, and children, Evans seriously violated the behavior standard to which we hold all our employees," said NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue. "We are currently deliberating on whether to suspend him pending the verdict of his U.N. tribunal."

Civil War Historians Posit 'You Had To Be There' Theory

ATLANTA—After years of conflicting approaches to interpreting the Civil War, a coalition of historians on Tuesday posited the non-specific theory that "you had to be there" to fully understand the complexities of the war. "It's not just a matter of 'Were the Southern forces as confident and dedicated as their Northern counterparts?' or 'Was Gettysburg the turning point?'" said conference chairman Shelby Foote. "The whole gist of the war is just hard to really get unless, you know, you were there and saw it happen." The coalition also advanced a theory that the Great Migration, wherein one million African-Americans moved to northern cities between 1915 and 1920, was "a black thing."

CEO Would Trade 5 Percent Of Stock Options For 10 Percent More Time With His Kids

HARTFORD, CT—Feeling sentimental Tuesday, Allied Plastics CEO Jonathan Mavre said he would gladly sacrifice a significant portion of his liquid assets for increased quality time with his children. "If I had the chance, I would give anything, even 5 percent of my ADM options, for an extra afternoon a week with Jacob and Lauren," Mavre said. "Of course, I'd be smarter to hedge by splitting the loss between ADM and Pepsico."

Prison Warden Appears On Leno With Some Of His Favorite Prisoners

BURBANK, CA—San Quentin State Prison warden Ron Ditmeier wowed Monday's Tonight Show audience by displaying some of his favorite prisoners. "Rufus here is what we call a Throat-Slashing Double-Lifer," Ditmeier said while showing off an inmate to host Jay Leno. "These distinctive markings mean he's a hardcore in the Crips." The educational segment provoked peals of laughter when an Encino Wife-Beater urinated on Leno's shoulder and stabbed him in the eye with a pen.

Ask A Third Party Candidate

Edgar Mayo Jr. is a syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask A Third Party Candidate, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.

63 Percent Of U.S. Implicated In New Scandal

WASHINGTON, DC—The Securities and Exchange Commission announced Tuesday that more than 63 percent of all U.S. citizens have been implicated in an illegal stock-dumping, the latest scandal to rock the nation's economy.

The Sniper Attacks

An elusive sniper continues to terrorize the Washington area. How are Americans responding to the threat of random shootings?

My Novel Addresses Universal Themes Of Humanity And Has Fucking

I have finally put the finishing touches on my novel, Westbound 90, and though it took forever, I am extremely pleased with the end result. It's a modern-day Candide, a coming-of-age tragicomedy in which the reader is taken on a great journey, both geographically and emotionally. I am confident it will be widely appreciated, as it addresses themes that speak to the human condition and, coincidentally, has loads of fucking.
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Nails, Hair Cared For Better Than Child

MOBILE, AL—In terms of time, money, and effort expended, local parent Kelly Sweedlin takes better care of her hair and nails than she does her 2-year-old daughter Porcia, the bank teller reported Tuesday.

Sweedlin spends a leisurely hour applying polish to her nails.

"As a single mom, it's sometimes hard to squeeze in my manicures between work and everything else, but I make it a priority," Sweedlin, 26, told her daughter's daycare provider. "If I don't spend the time to really take care of them, who will?"

In spite of all the hard work required to grow a beautiful set of nails, Sweedlin calls it a "labor of love," adding that nothing is more rewarding than a relaxing Saturday afternoon spent "just playing" with different nail-polish colors and discovering new things about the array of beauty products available.

"No matter what my friends say, my nails are not the most important thing in my life," said Sweedlin, as Porcia sat on the floor picking a piece of gum from the bottom of her shoe. "I care about my hair way more. It's just that nails need more pampering if you want them to turn out halfway decent."

To take proper care of her hair, Sweedlin has a regular standing appointment for alternating Tuesdays at the Mane Attraction salon, where stylists spend hours radically changing her hairdo from straight to curly, blonde to brown, and back again.

"I have a special bond with my hairdresser that I don't have with anyone else," Sweedlin said. "If anything happened to her, like if the salon lost her to another place across town, I wouldn't know what to do."

Her most recent hairstyle, a shoulder-length cut, has garnered raves.

"Kelly's hair is soooo darling," said Donna Campbell, owner of Wee Ones Daycare, where Porcia spends up to 35 hours each week. "Thick hair is a gift from God. She must be so proud. I told her to enjoy that style while she can, because before you know it, a relaxed wave like that is all grown out."

Sweedlin examines a freshly-manicured hand.

Porcia spends each morning with her grandmother, who drops her off at Wee Ones at 11:30 a.m. The girl remains there until Sweedlin picks her up between 6 and 7 p.m., depending on whether she takes a detour to Walgreens, where a quick stop can take an hour. While Sweedlin often complains that money is too tight for new clothes for Porcia, she does budget funds for the beauty products she needs to look "professional" for work.

Once the two are home, Porcia plays in her room, watches TV, or sits on the floor watching Sweedlin use her array of curling irons, makeup brushes, and hair-styling products, which the girl is repeatedly warned not to touch.

"That spray bottle is Mommy's!" Sweedlin told Porcia. "You can play with the old hair dryer, but don't you dare plug it in, hear?"

Though their apartment lacks Sesame Street or child-rearing magazines, the end tables are covered with copies of Glamour and Hair Today. Sweedlin knows nothing about major childhood diseases or car safety seats, but the technological advances in cosmetology outlined in these periodicals rarely escape her notice.

"The new sunless tanning lotions are really great, but they're so expensive," Sweedlin said. "Maybe that doctor bill from when Porcia had Noxzema [eczema] can wait another month."

While Porcia's 24-month checkup is four months overdue, Sweedlin never misses an appointment at the Glamorous You day spa, where she regularly undergoes facials, makeovers, and leg-waxing sessions. Though she is on a first-name basis with everyone at the spa, she has yet to learn the first names of any of Porcia's friends in daycare.

"There's so many things I want to be doing, but I don't have the time," Sweedlin said. "I should join a gym before I get too old."

Sweedlin has a number of friends, also single mothers, with whom she commiserates over her busy schedule.

"It's important to have someone to trade tips and secrets with," Sweedlin said. "Sometimes my girlfriends and I get out the photo albums and spend hours looking at how our fashion sense has changed."

Continued Sweedlin: "God, there's this one picture. I'm in a hospital bed for some reason—maybe it was when Porcia was born—and I have this stringy, straight hair. Ugh! I have no idea why I ever kept that photo."

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63 Percent Of U.S. Implicated In New Scandal

WASHINGTON, DC—The Securities and Exchange Commission announced Tuesday that more than 63 percent of all U.S. citizens have been implicated in an illegal stock-dumping, the latest scandal to rock the nation's economy.

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