Area Man Lives To Correct Pronunciation

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Issue 3846

Country Music Protested In Restaurant's Kitchen

KALAMAZOO. MI—A coalition of dishwashers at the Pfaff Avenue Country Kitchen filed an official protest Tuesday against the grill crew's playing of 93.7 Hot Country on the kitchen radio. "Duuude," dishwasher spokesman Dave Stamm said, "enough country, already." The group is calling for the radio to be switched to WKLQ 94.5, Home of the Real Rock, for the love of Christ.

Defiant Customers Refuse To Return Recalled Crib

RESTON, VA—More than 4,000 purchasers of the Babco KidSleeper crib, recalled last week amid safety concerns, are defiantly refusing to return the crib for a replacement or refund. "No way in hell am I assembling another crib," said parent Carl Bleier, 33, of Reston, VA. "If they want the thing back, too bad—it's their own damn fault for not making it right the first time." Bleier said he hopes his 14-month-old daughter Alexa gets her head stuck between the bars so he can sue their asses.

Conjoined Twin Hogging Kidney

SPRINGFIELD, MO—Bruce Andrusko, 27, complained loudly Monday about his conjoined twin Bryce's habit of hogging the brothers' middle kidney. "He drinks tons of beer, and that only leaves me the one kidney for everything I drink," said Bruce, who has been fused with Bryce at the torso since birth. "I'm sick of it." Bryce responded that Bruce "never seems to complain" when the beer is introduced to their shared bloodstream.

Zagat Editor A 'Nice Guy' But 'Kind Of Boring'

NEW YORK—Chris Dantley, editor of the Zagat restaurant guide for New York, received mixed reviews Monday from women who have dated him. "'Well-heeled' 'outgoing' man offers pleasant-enough company but 'loves to talk about self' and 'blows half his jokes,'" reviewers said of the 35-year-old Dantley, located on East 81st Street near Third Avenue. "'Free smiles' and 'snappy dress' don't go far enough to offset 'strained compliments' and 'inappropriate come-hither looks.'" Dantley's midsection was also panned as "overly doughy."

Nation Afraid To Admit 9-Year-Old Disabled Poet Really Bad

LYNDONVILLE, VT—Afflicted from birth with a rare degenerative disease, wheelchair-bound Luke Petrowski has confronted his illness by penning heartfelt verse that touches on elements vital to our lives: love, spirituality, courage, grace, and hope.

Strom Turns 100

On Dec. 5, U.S. Sen. Strom Thurmond (R-SC) turned 100. How did he celebrate the milestone?
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Area Man Lives To Correct Pronunciation

LAWRENCE, KS—According to irritated friends and acquaintances, Jim Marder, 43, lives to correct pronunciation. "Actually, the word is 'Ant-arc-tic," Marder told coworker Amy Dennon during a conversation about polar-ice-cap melting Monday. "Don't feel bad: Pronouncing it 'Antartic' is a fairly common mistake." Said Dennon: "He's always doing that: 'Actually, the word is 'affida-vit.' 'Actually, the word is 'pre-rogative.' 'Actually, the word is 'sher-bet.' Every time, he plays it all casual, but you can tell he's loving it. Dick."