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U.N. Orders Wonka To Submit To Chocolate Factory Inspections

• Migrant Worker Family Thrilled To See Selves On Cover Of The Economist

  ISSUE 39•03 | 01.29.03 | News

  SAN CARLOS, TX—A family of Mexican migrant workers was thrilled to find its picture on the cover of the Jan. 25 issue of The Economist, vegetable farmhand, factory laborer, and fruit picker Luis Moreno reported Monday. more»

  

• Debate Team State Finalists Live It Up In Super 8 Hot Tub

  ISSUE 39•03 | 01.29.03 | News

  OSHKOSH, WI—The 16 members of the Abbotsford High debate team enjoyed a night of revelry after their second-place finish. more»

  

• Depressed Roommate Hitting The GameCube Pretty Hard

  ISSUE 39•03 | 01.29.03 | News

  WEST LAFAYETTE, IN—Despondent over a recent breakup, grad student Tim Mahaffey has drown his sorrows in the Cube. more»

  

• Real World Producers Still Looking To Fill Eating-Disorder Slot

  ISSUE 39•03 | 01.29.03 | News in Brief

  VAN NUYS, CA—Jonathan Murray, co-executive producer of the MTV reality series The Real World, reported Monday that with just weeks to go before shooting begins, the eating-disorder slot for the cast of Real World 13: Paris remains unfilled. "We're still trying to find a hot young bulimic or anorexic, ideally with bisexual leanings," Murray said. "We found a woman who was perfect, except she was Asian, and we already had our non-black minority slot filled." Murray said that as a last resort, he has a perky blonde sexual-abuse victim ready to go. more»

• Man Totally Proud Of Last Night's Drunken Phone Calls

  ISSUE 39•03 | 01.29.03 | News in Brief

  ENID, OK—Andrew Colquitt expressed pride Monday in a drunken cross-country calling spree he'd embarked on the previous night. "I really gave that dick Larry Trachte a piece of my mind, and I finally told Steve I slept with his girlfriend back in high school," Colquitt said. "I think I even called [ex-girlfriend] Rebecca [Anders], although I might have just dreamed that." The 38-year-old Colquitt also called former college roommate Alex Via to inform him that he is "the greatest guy ever. Dude, I fuckin' love you, dude. Serious." more»

• AOL/Time Warner Turmoil Over-Reported, Says Time

  ISSUE 39•03 | 01.29.03 | News in Brief

  NEW YORK—According to the Feb. 3 issue of Time, the internal turmoil plaguing AOL/Time Warner is being over-reported by the national media. "Once again, tabloids like Newsweek and U.S. News & World Report insist on trawling through the Dumpster of this non-story, desperate to dig up any dirt they can find," columnist Lance Morrow wrote. "This would be bad enough in times of slow news, but a nation about to go to war and confused about which online service offers the best enhanced e-mail features surely deserves better." more»

• New Movie Taps Into Nation's Love Of Rapping Kangaroos

  ISSUE 39•03 | 01.29.03 | News in Brief

  HOLLYWOOD, CA—The new Jerry Bruckheimer comedy Kangaroo Jack has successfully tapped into America's longstanding love affair with rapping kangaroos, taking in a box-office-best $17.7 million in its opening weekend. "From Krazy Legs Kangol in the early '80s to such New School acts as Pouch Gangstas and Tha Mar$upials, kangaroos have always been at the forefront of the rap scene," media analyst Glen Coffey said. "But not until now has anyone had the vision to exploit this trend in a full-length feature film." Warner Bros. has already confirmed plans for a sequel, Koala Bob, featuring a computer-generated beat-boxing koala who steals $50 million in gold bullion... and he's not giving it back. more»

• Fox's Reality Shows

  ISSUE 39•03 | 01.29.03 | Infographic

  Having struck ratings gold with Man Vs. Beast and Joe Millionaire, Fox has plans for more reality-TV programming. more»

  

• Horoscope for the week of January 29, 2003

  ISSUE 39•03 | 01.29.03 | Horoscope

  You will be honored but embarrassed when Nobel Peace Prize winner Jimmy Carter visits you to "see if further trouble can be avoided." more»

• Toughest U.S. Stains

  ISSUE 39•03 | 01.29.03 | Statshot

  

• New Swiss Army Phone May Pose Health Risks

  ISSUE 39•03 | 01.29.03 | News in Photos

  

• Pete Townshend Can't Explain

  ISSUE 39•03 | 01.29.03 | News in Photos

  more»

  

• When It Comes To Entertainment, My Sign Is Leo!

  ISSUE 39•03 | 01.29.03 | Commentary

  Happy New Year! Sorry I was a bit slow bringing you your first steaming-hot batch of 2003 gossip, but I had to take a few weeks off just to digest the holiday fruitcake! You know the one? The one someone gives every year? Well, I ate it. more»

• This Racist Propoganda Practically Writes Itself!

  ISSUE 39•03 | 01.29.03 | Commentary

  All my life, I dreamed of writing racist propaganda, but I was always too scared to try. I came up with every excuse in the book: I lacked the necessary education, I wasn't a good enough writer, I didn't know enough racial slurs. But then, one day, I gave it a whirl, and you know what? It was easy! The hateful rants just poured out of me and onto the page. I'm telling you, this racist propaganda practically writes itself. more»

• Affirmative Action Under Fire

  ISSUE 39•03 | 01.29.03 | American Voices

  President Bush recently urged the Supreme Court to strike down the University of Michigan's affirmative-action program as unconstitutional. What do you think? more»

• Guy At Gym Keeps Offering To Spot Everyone

• Toddler Thrown From Dog