Pete Townshend Can't Explain

Top Headlines

Issue 3903

New Movie Taps Into Nation's Love Of Rapping Kangaroos

HOLLYWOOD, CA—The new Jerry Bruckheimer comedy Kangaroo Jack has successfully tapped into America's longstanding love affair with rapping kangaroos, taking in a box-office-best $17.7 million in its opening weekend. "From Krazy Legs Kangol in the early '80s to such New School acts as Pouch Gangstas and Tha Mar$upials, kangaroos have always been at the forefront of the rap scene," media analyst Glen Coffey said. "But not until now has anyone had the vision to exploit this trend in a full-length feature film." Warner Bros. has already confirmed plans for a sequel, Koala Bob, featuring a computer-generated beat-boxing koala who steals $50 million in gold bullion... and he's not giving it back.

AOL/Time Warner Turmoil Over-Reported, Says Time

NEW YORK—According to the Feb. 3 issue of Time, the internal turmoil plaguing AOL/Time Warner is being over-reported by the national media. "Once again, tabloids like Newsweek and U.S. News & World Report insist on trawling through the Dumpster of this non-story, desperate to dig up any dirt they can find," columnist Lance Morrow wrote. "This would be bad enough in times of slow news, but a nation about to go to war and confused about which online service offers the best enhanced e-mail features surely deserves better."

Man Totally Proud Of Last Night's Drunken Phone Calls

ENID, OK—Andrew Colquitt expressed pride Monday in a drunken cross-country calling spree he'd embarked on the previous night. "I really gave that dick Larry Trachte a piece of my mind, and I finally told Steve I slept with his girlfriend back in high school," Colquitt said. "I think I even called [ex-girlfriend] Rebecca [Anders], although I might have just dreamed that." The 38-year-old Colquitt also called former college roommate Alex Via to inform him that he is "the greatest guy ever. Dude, I fuckin' love you, dude. Serious."

Real World Producers Still Looking To Fill Eating-Disorder Slot

VAN NUYS, CA—Jonathan Murray, co-executive producer of the MTV reality series The Real World, reported Monday that with just weeks to go before shooting begins, the eating-disorder slot for the cast of Real World 13: Paris remains unfilled. "We're still trying to find a hot young bulimic or anorexic, ideally with bisexual leanings," Murray said. "We found a woman who was perfect, except she was Asian, and we already had our non-black minority slot filled." Murray said that as a last resort, he has a perky blonde sexual-abuse victim ready to go.

Fox's Reality Shows

Having struck ratings gold with Man Vs. Beast and Joe Millionaire, Fox has plans for more reality-TV programming.

When It Comes To Entertainment, My Sign Is Leo!

Happy New Year! Sorry I was a bit slow bringing you your first steaming-hot batch of 2003 gossip, but I had to take a few weeks off just to digest the holiday fruitcake! You know the one? The one someone gives every year? Well, I ate it.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

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