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Drinking In Quarries Down 37 Percent, Small-Town Sheriffs Report

• North Dakota Found To Be Harboring Nuclear Missiles

  ISSUE 39•04 | 02.05.03 | News

  BISMARCK, ND—The stage was set for another international showdown Monday, when chief U.N. weapons inspector Hans Blix confirmed that the remote, isolationist state of North Dakota is in possession of a large stockpile of nuclear missiles. more»

  

• Nation's Love Affair With Lord Of The Rings Threatening Its Relationship With Star Wars

  ISSUE 39•04 | 02.05.03 | News

  LOS ANGELES—America's love affair with the J.R.R. Tolkien epic-fantasy saga Lord Of The Rings, a romance which has flowered ever since the 2001 release of the Fellowship Of The Ring film adaptation, has damaged the nation's long-term relationship with George Lucas' Star Wars saga, perhaps irreparably. more»

  

• Business Card Confirms Real-Estate Salesman Is Eddie Money

  ISSUE 39•04 | 02.05.03 | News in Brief

  STOCKTON, CA—The suspicions of house hunters Paul and Gail Barnett were confirmed Tuesday when a business card revealed that the Century 21 agent showing them a two-bedroom split-level ranch was indeed rocker Eddie Money. "He looked just like the guy who sang 'Two Tickets To Paradise,' but I figured it must just be somebody who resembles him," Gail said. "But then, right there on the card, it said 'Edward Money.'" Gail praised Money for his thoroughness and professionalism. more»

• Surinamese Man Struggling To Write The Great Surinamese Novel

  ISSUE 39•04 | 02.05.03 | News in Brief

  BROKOPONDO, SURINAME—Aspiring author Nikklis Doekhie said Monday that he continues in his struggle to write the Great Surinamese Novel. "I want this book to capture the essence of the Surinamese experience," Doekhie said. "Dési, the wide-eyed protagonist, quits his job in a bauxite mine to hitchhike from Paramarimbo to Alalapadu, searching for his piece of the Surinamese Dream." Doekhie said he hopes to pitch the book to Suriname's publishing house this fall. more»

• Mommy Having Sleepover

  ISSUE 39•04 | 02.05.03 | News in Brief

  GALESBURG, IL—Five days after Daddy's disappearance, Mommy hosted "Uncle" Rick at a sleepover, 5-year-old Hannah Dalton reported Monday. "They drank a lot of that special soda for grownups, and they watched movies," Hannah said. "And later, they must have told ghost stories, because I heard them both moaning and screaming." The morning after the sleepover, a departing Rick permitted Hannah to eat as much Count Chocula as she wanted, as long as she did not wake Mommy. more»

• Man Vows Never To Watch Another Sci-Fi Movie With Physicist Friend

  ISSUE 39•04 | 02.05.03 | News in Brief

  DALLAS—After watching Starship Troopers with friend Jeff Oberst Monday, Adam Buck vowed never to watch another science-fiction film with the Rice University physics professor. "First, he spends 20 minutes telling me how bugs could never get that big because of the way they breathe," said Buck, 28. "Then he goes off on how faster-than-light-speed travel isn't physically possible." Buck said the evening was even less enjoyable than the time they watched Back To The Future together. more»

• Baby's Third Through Eighth Words Registered Trademarks

  ISSUE 39•04 | 02.05.03 | News in Brief

  PHOENIX—Mere weeks after saying "Mama" and "Dada" for the first time, 17-month-old Max Ellis has expanded his vocabulary to include the registered trademarks Tinky Winky™, Fruit Roll-Up™, Nintendo™, Blue's Clues™, Superman™, and Pepsi™. "I think I even heard him say 'McDonald's™' yesterday," mother Darlene Ellis said. "He's growing up so fast." more»

• Department Of The Interior Sets Aside Two Million Acres For Car Commercials

  ISSUE 39•04 | 02.05.03 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON, DC—Seeking to "safeguard our precious wildlands for future generations of SUV ads," the Department of the Interior set aside two million acres in Wyoming and Colorado for use in car commercials Monday. "If we do not protect this land," Secretary of the Interior Gale Norton said, "we may one day have no place for Dodge Rams to run wild and free." more»

• AOL Time Warner's $99 Billion Loss

  ISSUE 39•04 | 02.05.03 | Infographic

  AOL Time Warner lost $99 billion in 2002—the largest one-year loss in U.S. corporate history. What are its plans for recovery? more»

  

• Horoscope for the week of February 5, 2003

  ISSUE 39•04 | 02.05.03 | Horoscope

  The stars will soon be in a unique alignment, revealing a mysterious sign in the heavens. Which sounds impressive but means you'll be able to see a birdie. more»

• Who Is Watching Our Cats?

  ISSUE 39•04 | 02.05.03 | Statshot

  

• Gondolier Ordered To Follow That Gondola

  ISSUE 39•04 | 02.05.03 | News in Photos

  more»

  

• Heroic Turtle Dials Most Of 911

  ISSUE 39•04 | 02.05.03 | News in Photos

  more»

  

• Why Must The Media Call My Ritual Killings 'Senseless'?

  ISSUE 39•04 | 02.05.03 | Commentary

  Ever since the sixth grade, when Danielle Mattson called the chicken-bone-and-dead-fly sculpture I made for art class "disgusting," I've not been one to take criticism well. I'm not saying I'm above reproach. I just think that if someone is going to find fault with one's work, his or her critique should come from a well-informed, knowledgeable place. more»

• I Wish I Were More Like My Online Persona

  ISSUE 45•01 ISSUE 39•04 | 02.05.03 | Commentary

  In the online world, I, Hankscorpio74, am known to be charismatic, tough, quick-witted, and tenacious as a copperhead snake. more»

• Yankees Ensure 2003 Pennant By Signing Every Player In Baseball

  ISSUE 43•52 ISSUE 39•04 | 02.05.03 | Sports News

  NEW YORK—With a week to go before pitchers and catchers report for spring training, the New York Yankees shored up their pitching, hitting, and defense Monday by signing every player in professional baseball. more»

  

• France And Germany Say No

  ISSUE 39•04 | 02.05.03 | American Voices

  At a recent NATO meeting, France and Germany expressed reluctance to lend military support to the U.S. if it invades Iraq. What do you think? more»

• Plowshare Hastily Beaten Back Into Sword

• Porn Star XXX-hausted