Heroic Turtle Dials Most Of 911

Top Headlines

Issue 3904

Department Of The Interior Sets Aside Two Million Acres For Car Commercials

WASHINGTON, DC—Seeking to "safeguard our precious wildlands for future generations of SUV ads," the Department of the Interior set aside two million acres in Wyoming and Colorado for use in car commercials Monday. "If we do not protect this land," Secretary of the Interior Gale Norton said, "we may one day have no place for Dodge Rams to run wild and free."

Baby's Third Through Eighth Words Registered Trademarks

PHOENIX—Mere weeks after saying "Mama" and "Dada" for the first time, 17-month-old Max Ellis has expanded his vocabulary to include the registered trademarks Tinky Winky™, Fruit Roll-Up™, Nintendo™, Blue's Clues™, Superman™, and Pepsi™. "I think I even heard him say 'McDonald's™' yesterday," mother Darlene Ellis said. "He's growing up so fast."

Man Vows Never To Watch Another Sci-Fi Movie With Physicist Friend

DALLAS—After watching Starship Troopers with friend Jeff Oberst Monday, Adam Buck vowed never to watch another science-fiction film with the Rice University physics professor. "First, he spends 20 minutes telling me how bugs could never get that big because of the way they breathe," said Buck, 28. "Then he goes off on how faster-than-light-speed travel isn't physically possible." Buck said the evening was even less enjoyable than the time they watched Back To The Future together.

Mommy Having Sleepover

GALESBURG, IL—Five days after Daddy's disappearance, Mommy hosted "Uncle" Rick at a sleepover, 5-year-old Hannah Dalton reported Monday. "They drank a lot of that special soda for grownups, and they watched movies," Hannah said. "And later, they must have told ghost stories, because I heard them both moaning and screaming." The morning after the sleepover, a departing Rick permitted Hannah to eat as much Count Chocula as she wanted, as long as she did not wake Mommy.

Why Must The Media Call My Ritual Killings 'Senseless'?

Ever since the sixth grade, when Danielle Mattson called the chicken-bone-and-dead-fly sculpture I made for art class "disgusting," I've not been one to take criticism well. I'm not saying I'm above reproach. I just think that if someone is going to find fault with one's work, his or her critique should come from a well-informed, knowledgeable place.

Business Card Confirms Real-Estate Salesman Is Eddie Money

STOCKTON, CA—The suspicions of house hunters Paul and Gail Barnett were confirmed Tuesday when a business card revealed that the Century 21 agent showing them a two-bedroom split-level ranch was indeed rocker Eddie Money. "He looked just like the guy who sang 'Two Tickets To Paradise,' but I figured it must just be somebody who resembles him," Gail said. "But then, right there on the card, it said 'Edward Money.'" Gail praised Money for his thoroughness and professionalism.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.


  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales: